5 Reasons the Cavs are Better than the Hawks

Maybe I’m biased here. Okay, I’m definitely biased.

If you’re not up-to-speed on the current happenings of the Eastern Conference in the NBA…

The Atlanta Hawks are in 1st place and on a 17-game winning streak. The Cavaliers are in 5th place and on an 8-game winning streak. The consensus is that no one is going to be able to catch Atlanta in the East, and while I respect and enjoy watching every player on that Hawks team, I don’t think they’re even going to make it to the Eastern Conference Finals. I think the Cavs are a better team, if they all stay healthy, for the following 5 reasons:

1. Kyrie Irving

Courtesy of Cleveland.com
Courtesy of Cleveland.com

55 points. A career high and a life high for the 22 year-old Cavs point guard. So LeBron didn’t play last night. Fine. When it comes down to it, Irving is a much more dominant point guard than Jeff Teague. Teague knows he can turn to any of the other 4 in the starting lineup to have his back, but when it comes to taking over a game, Teague, NO ONE, can do it like Kyrie can. This insane scoring paired with Kyrie’s new-found love for defense and intensity is going to be unstoppable moving forward.

2. LeBron James (duh)

Hello.
Hello.

I don’t think I need to go into much detail with this one. LeBron James is the best player in the NBA and he has championship experience (I still say that with a sour taste in my mouth). Atlanta does not have a single championship winner on their roster.

3. The City of Cleveland

nike-lebron-james-cleveland-togetherYeah, yeah. This isn’t an actual, technical team-to-team comparison, but in our case, it certainly helps. No one started attending Hawks games until they were in the middle of this winning streak. This is Cleveland, people. There’s an undeniable sense of pride in the air and more metaphorical Jersey Shore fist pumps running through our minds than anyone can take. Even Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino couldn’t keep up. We should all have exceptionally chiseled tri’s and bi’s by now. What I’m trying to say, is that Cleveland is the best city ever and no one is going to mess with our fandom. We stand behind our Cavaliers.

4. J.R. Smith

that's blue hair.
that’s blue hair.

I know what you’re thinking. Slow your role, Nell. Pump the brakes. Woahhhh, Nellie. If J.R. Smith stays in the starting lineup (which I think he should), he’s a better option for me than Kyle Korver. No disrespect to Korver, but people giddily cheered when he dunked for the first time in forever the other night, and that’s just not cute to me. He’s white; I understand; and is going to go down in history solely for his 3-point shooting, but come on. Throwing a party for a dunk? Act like you’ve been there before, young fella (said only in Austin Carr’s voice).

5. Brendan Haywood…just kidding. Mike Miller…just kidding. Tristan Thompson…you wish I was kidding, but I’m not.

Screen-Shot-2014-10-19-at-1.26.43-PMEven though Tristan be actin’ a fool by turning down our contract offer, he’s coming off the bench in a pretty non-foolish way this season. I wish he could learn to catch the ball down low, but hey, Santa can’t grant all of my Christmas wishes. We’re going to need him to snag boards and continue to play good defense down the stretch. Plus, the Hawks’ backup power forward is Pero Antic, who looks like a convicted felon and is from Macedonia (I don’t even know where that is on a map).

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The Bachelor–Episode 4

Oh God. Outside help is being brought in tonight… by Chris’s Iowa sisters!

1ST GROUP DATE

The group date is about being “natural” which is ironic because this is a show for attention whores who act crazy. Am I right, Ashley S.?

What I’m not understanding is why Ashley I. is dressed not like a virgin, but remember SHE IS a virgin. Girl has a great body; I’m not mad she’s showing it off, but come on. She’s also wearing a 4th of July bathing suit and proceeds to take it off. Virgins these days. Can someone please come out of the woodwork and debunk her virgin story?

BACK AT THE MANSION

Carly wants to, like, totally meet Chris’ sisters and force them to karaoke with her.

JILLIAN WITH THE BLACKED OUT COOCH, YET AGAIN. AT LEAST SHE’S CONSISTENT?

I’m just glad Ashley S. wasn’t left at the mansion with his sisters because it could have turned into a real blood bath.

BACK ON THE DATE

The group is playing Red Rover, which if you didn’t know, is a  classic bikini game. This game was banned at recess at my elementary school (shout out to dem Forest Falcons), so I’m not sure how it’s allowed on The Bachelor.

Ugh, Kelsey. Why are you trying to beat out Mackenzie as the most immature hooligan to come on this show? Like even the bee could hear your incessant whining and that’s why it stung you in your vagina.

Line of the night: “I’m a camping virgin and I’m also a virgin camping.” -Guess who?

BACK AT THE MANSION

Jade wins the one-on-one date decided by Chris’ sisters (I’m shocked as to why) but I’m only excited because she needs to redeem her terrible outfit choice from the last date (granny robe and Communion heels) and maybe, just maybe, show off some personality?

BACK ON THE GROUP DATE

I HAVE THE SAME SHIRT KAITLYN (TV me) IS WEARING. I’M FOR SERIOUS. SEE PIC, BELOW:

mekaitlyn-camping-bachelor-w352

Okay, not the greatest pic but it’s real and it’s from H&M and I know it so I don’t care if you do! What did I tell you? This chick and I are on the same damn page.

Ashley S. says she needs music at the campfire and by music she means she’s going to start singing in tongues. Devilish tongues. She somehow manages to get some alone time with Chris where she begins talking like the Asian girl in Pitch Perfect.

Tent time with Ashley I. What’s weird yet not so weird to me is whenever Ashley I. and Chris are together, every emoji is running through my mind. So many faces.

Another reason why Kaitlyn and I should just be best friends– day after, back at the mansion, bish is still in the same outfit, drinking a beer.

ONE-ON-ONE

If Jade gets eliminated, she wins the whole season. Why? Because she CAN KEEP THE NEIL LANE DIAMOND EARRINGS AND LOUBS.

Can’t say I loved her dress choice for this Cinderella-themed date, though.

Before Jade arrives, Chris says something stupid: “I’ve never been to a royal ball before.”

No one watching this show or anyone living in this country has been to a royal ball before, Chris. This is America. You don’t get to use the Iowa card on that one.

Jade bores me, but their date goes well and the end.

LAST GROUP DATE

I’m going to skip over the details of this one because it was belligerent. The only good part about it was the race they ran was for a good cause and because Jillian ends up going home. There aren’t enough words to describe Jillian’s demise, but hey, at least she can start wearing tiny bikinis without a little black box following her around.

ROSE CEREMONY

Ashley I. approaches Chris: “I thought I clarified that I was a virgin.”

LADY, you don’t really clarify that unless you say the exact words, “I AM A VIRGIN.” He’s not just going to magically understand that. Virginity is apparently a big fun guessing game to Ashley I.

NEW LINE OF THE NIGHT, by Carly, about Ashley I.: “Her mouth is not a virgin.”

WOAH AND BECCA is also a virgin?! COMPLETE. GAME. CHANGER.

2 final thoughts: Does Britt exist without lipstick? and Chris says he’s a man and that statement is the truest thing I’ve ever heard in my life.

These two girls named Nikki and Samantha get eliminated? I have no idea who they are. Ashley S. goes home but has the best video send-off ever (risky business by Chris) and so does Juelia, spelled Juelia.

The Bachelor–Episode 3

Not the most thrilling of episodes, but I guess in a way it’s a good sign that all hope of intelligent women in this country is not lost.

First of all, ABC does not need anymore marketing I’m pretty sure. Even though I love the Jimmy Kimmel, but this is a lot, guys.

I get the first date card! I mean Kaitlyn does (TV me). First off I’d be more than pumped to go to Costco. It’s not every day you get to sample every fucking food known to mankind. I never see them eating on this show anyway, so this is great.

She’s not as good at basketball as I am though. Granted, they were shooting at a 50-foot hoop inside of Costco. That will need work, Kaitlyn. Granny-style shots aren’t accepted here.

Cue to this horrifying inflatable object they find and start to roll around in. #1. Can you say, dangerous? While the aisles at Costco are wide and usually deathtrap free, I worry 50 gallons of organic peanut oil would fall on my head. I would die in that inflatable thing. Literally die. And now theyre kissing in it. Extra claustrophobic. Maybe Kaitlyn and I aren’t as similar as I thought…

Then they start to cook dinner at someone’s home? Does ABC rent out a street of homes in L.A. for these scenes to take place? Are they on a lot? The curiosity is killing the cat, here! I watched with my bestie (yes, bestie) Jill last night.

The laughter makes her ask, and rightfully so, “Is she a turkey?”

Also, if anyone is noticing a shortage of lipstick at their regular lipstick purchasing stores, I’ve found it. It’s all over Chris and Kaitlyn’s faces.

This is an actual quote from a man who was asked in a survey by Huffington Post, whether lipstick is attractive on a woman or not, and I totally get it:

o-GUYS-LIPSTICK-570

Based on this date, Kaitlyn wins the episode. Nothing that goes on for the rest of the show could change my mind.

BACK TO THE HOUSE

Jesus Christ, Jillian. AGAIN HER ASS IS BLEEPED OUT. I don’t understand. You shouldn’t do fitness while you’re on The Bachelor, anyway. It’s just an unwritten rule. Unless you’re Chris because, perfect body show me more.

GROUP DATE

Oh goodie, farm activities! What could be better?! Also, how many versions of a button up does Chris have? Lots, but this one is “for the farm.”

Carly is allergic to goat milk and “DRINKING IT ANYWAY!!” The things I want to say to you, ya karaoke machine hoarding biotch.

Ashley S. is shucking that corn like it is her worst enemy at that zombie arena.

I think Jillian is forgetting that this is not an actual competition for farmers, but a love competition. The love she has for short shorts and weight lifting and just all around being an overly ruthless competitor, doesn’t work for anyone.

I really want a goat to kick Mackenzie in the head at this point but the dumb bitch was disqualified for breaking an egg yolk during this incredible farm competition, so my dreams are shattered.

“NOW THAT HE’S KISSING SO MANY GIRLS I’M JUST SO CONFUSED.” Mackenzie, The Bachelor contestant who ruins it for everybody.

ONE-ON-ONE

Chris asks WHITNEY out on the next one-on-one date, whose description under her name should say “voice the pitch of a dog whistle” instead of fertility nurse.

They decide to crash a wedding like it’s 2005 and Vince Vaughn and Owen Wilson are going to be there.  Let’s totally pretend to be engaged at this wedding we’re crashing is the worst karma ever for this show.

Now I’m wondering if this was staged. Had to be right? I mean, do these people live under a rock?! How did they not recognize Chris? Idk, Nell maybe not everyone is as obsessed with The Bachelor as you are, okay? You’re right, sarcastic voice in my head.

ANOTHER POOOOOL PARTY

Chris is wearing a necklace every boy in 7th grade wore for school pictures.

And I cant continue to talk about this party because Juelia made me sad and that was all just sad.

Just kidding. The Virgin is making this way too easy to “dive” back into. Get it? Get it? POOL PARTY.

Jade ruins the rest of the episode for me. The whole, let’s try out your bed scenario, made me laugh uncontrollably. Her shoes are what I wore to my First Communion I’m pretty sure and she’s wearing my grandmother’s robe.

Ashley S. still exists on this show for some reason, but doesn’t fail to give Chris a fatal stare-down upon receiving her rose. Tracy, Amber, and Trina were eliminated which is fine by me because who the hell are Tracy, Amber, and Trina?

What Ever Happened to Rivalry?

The Cavs are coming off a good road win last night against the Lakers (actually, who am I kidding we SHOULD have won that game regardless) that snapped our 6-game losing streak and while I’m pleased to see our “Big 3” led the box score, there was something else that irked me about the vibe of the game.

Kobe Bryant is one of the best, some may debate the best, to ever play the game of basketball. LeBron James, of course, is right up there too. I get that these gentlemen have a lot of respect for each other’s game; they’re both banged up a bit and haven’t had the seasons they were probably expecting to have thus far and can relate to each other on many levels aside from just being extremely athletic and talented. Something’s missing though:

WHERE HAS THE HYPE GONE?

Who would beat who in a Kobe/LeBron 1-on-1 match has been a major conversation piece of the NBA since The King came into the league.

So LeBron misses an easy dunk last night and laughs it off with his buddy Kobe down at the other end? NO. That’s not how the game works. LeBron should have tried untying Kobe’s shoes after poking fun at his missed dunk (totally kidding, but welcome to Cleveland, J.R. Smith). Where is the intensity between these two future hall-of-famers? As my father watched the game finish up and saw Kobe and LeBron engage in a long embrace, he, as only ridiculous a question my father would ask, asked: “What’s with the love affair going on between these two?”

Exactly right, Dwight Howard.
Exactly right, Dwight Howard.

But see, he’s totally right. Kobe got beat by LeBron at the Staples Center, his home court, ending the Cavs’ losing streak. Are the Lakers going to make the playoffs? Probably not, but it’s not exciting at all as a fan to watch Kobe be like, “Meh, we gave it our best shot, guys. LeBron you are just great. Really. Watching you and your disappointing team come and beat us at home was just swell.”

You never saw this kind of stuff between Magic and Larry (at least not during the game) and definitely not between The Bad Boys of Detroit and whoever it was they were trying to absolutely destroy during the playoffs in their era. Heck, even just the thrill of having another “Malice at the Palace” is something I wouldn’t be mad at. You hear that, Metta WORLD PEACE?

artest-fight

If you have a solid 12 minutes of free time, no distractions, please re-watch the madness in the link above. I beg of you. You’ll miss that day in a sort of, sick and twisted, respect for the NBA type of way.

In any case, if the Cavs had even just the tiniest flicker of hatred toward another team or player, it could seriously help out our chances of winning. I’m sick of the latest “scandal” in the NBA involving coach/player problems. Eff that! Go put that effort toward doing whatever J.R. Smith would recommend. Seriously.

The Bachelor– Episode 2

All of these girls are pretending to be so normal. They’re lucky they didn’t get eliminated or else each and every one of them would consider doing the same thing Kim is doing by asking for a second chance. Because this is life and death, guys.

The first rose ceremony at the bachelor mansion is LIFE AND DEATH.

Whitney says, in her creepy baby voice, that she’s never seen anything like this before. Oh. You must not know how the female species operates.

Good job, Kim. You win the crazy competition.

Why is Chris encouraging these women to go visit Chris at his “house” whenever they want? Bad decision my friend. The man has an OUTDOOR SHOWER.

FIRST GROUP DATE

Everyone wore cowboy boots but it’s a poooool partayyyy! Thanks, girls who take the date card too literally.

Back at the mansion, ensue girls sneaking into Chris’ house. COME ON PEOPLE. What fun would it be to sneak in without him there? And why is Jillian wearing a bathing suit so compromising that ABC needs to black out her thing and thang? Megan banged her head against everything in his house because, that’s intimate and funny but really it isn’t at all.

Back on the horribly boring group date, Chris surprises the girls with a tractor race in L.A.! Because what’s better than sitting your ass onto some hot leather seat operating heavy machinery? Can Mackenzie even drive? Isn’t she like 12? So many questions about this. Also—all of their bathing suits suck.

Ashley I. wins the race without any talent or skill put into it at all. You know what they say, Ashley I. The bigger the hoop the bigger the…virgin?

If you watched Mackenzie and Chris’ date, then you must have been squirming as much as I was. We don’t need to be reminded every 2 seconds that you’re nearly 15 years younger than Chris, Mackenzie. “DO YOU, LIKE, BELIEVE IN ALIENS?”

Um. Why, Mackenzie do you?

Are you an advocate for aliens? Chris’ exact quote, which made my life: “She brought up aliens on a first date, which is a red flag for me.” You, and every other normal human being on THIS PLANET, Chris.

Drink every time Mackenzie Mom says “like.” She plays the mom card and Chris all of a sudden forgets her first two talking points were big noses and extraterrestrials.

NEXT DATE CARD

Megan gets a date card and thinks it’s a love note. Girl, have you ever watched this show? Musta been all that helmet banging, God bless your little heart. Megan then tells the saddest story ever and now I can’t be mad at her for the rest of the episode.

MOVING ON TO THE NEXT GROUP DATE

It involves death. Perfect segue, ABC. It’s a haunted house, really. No wait it’s a zombie killing arena. Sweet.

Ashley is the most insane person alive. She’s going to bring that gun home isn’t she? She’s at least thinking about it. This chick is off her rocker.

They send it back to the bachelor mansion (again) and Jordan is my new best friend. Wasted in a neon cutoff and sweatpants, glass of wine in hand. I hope she sticks around for a while.

Zombie date continues. Ashley gets lost but was probably off killing innocent animals. She smiles at Chris for uncomfortably lengthy periods of time and I just want a jackal to leap out from the desert and just snatch her away from this show and my memory. All I’m envisioning is a man taking her away while she’s strapped into a strait jacket, gnawing her teeth through the air trying to get it off.

Moving on to Britt…who is still perfect and if Chris doesn’t pick her at the end, something has to go SERIOUSLY wrong, right? This is too good to be true.

Kaitlyn gets the rose at the date, which is like a win for me because she basically is me, just on television.

COCKTAIL PARTY

When do these girls have time to shop?! They are gifting Chris galore. As if this season needs anymore alcohol, Whitney.

Meanwhile Mackenzie is on her soapbox about how cool it is to be a virgin. I don’t get this 21 year-old mother. You must be SOOOO experienced, Mackenzie.

Virgin Ashley I. goes in for the ultimate awkward makeout session of the century (should be an actual award). Is she also a kissing virgin? Yow. She’s dressed like a genie. It makes sense that he had to make wishes to kiss her. No.

Amber asks if kissing is allowed so goodbye to you, Amber.

Jordan is wasted yet again, but I can’t hate her. She’s owning that white dress with the deep back.

ROSE CEREMONY

When Jillian slips and falls during the rose ceremony and she wasn’t even the one called up and cackled uncontrollably about it. Yep.

HE KEEPS ASHLEY. Even as she is staring deep into his soul plotting his death while she’s receiving the rose, he keeps her. She legit could be stabbing herself with the thorns of the rose bleeding all over the place and Chris wouldn’t notice she’s a complete wacko and highly unbalanced.

On to week 3, bachelor bitches!

The Less Than Golden Globes

I was really looking forward to Tina Fey and Amy Poehler’s last hosting gig at this year’s Golden Globes, but damn was I bored the entire show.

Maybe it had something to do with I didn’t really know any of the shows/movies that took home a majority of the awards, but sheesh, I didn’t even think the presenters were that funny.

There were only 3 things that stuck out to me during the actual show, after Tina and Amy’s monologue of course:

Prince. Prince’s hair. and Prince’s outfit. (also– was he holding a scepter?)

(photo from NBC)
(photo from NBC)

The most important part was the red carpet anyway, so here are some of my thoughts on how the hot mess went down:

Keira Knightley. Hmm. She said 30 different people worked on her dress. Unless those 30 people were also costume designers for American Horror Story: Freakshow’s clown costume, then I’m just not sure how that could have been possible.

1421022858_keira-knightley-zoom27754540.sf

Jennifer Lynn Lopez (yes, that is her middle name). Why are you always so amazing looking? Does this woman ever look bad? The answer, quite simply, is no. Her kids have to know the term “MILF” by now, right?

jennifer-lopez

I’m not even going to discuss Amal Clooney’s gloves. The lady has the attitude that she is better than everyone else and you know what? She’s right to feel that way. I’m still convinced George Clooney is gay, but we’ll never know now.

That’s pretty much the extent of it. Contestants of The Bachelor dressed better than half of these celebrities, IMO.

Breaking Up with Dion Waiters

It’s a sad day for me. The Cavs traded Dion Waiters last night to the Oklahoma City Thunder in a three-way trade with the New York Knicks that somehow landed us J.R. Smith and Iman Shumpert. Dion was easily one of my favorite Cavs over the last few years (50% of this because of his personal interviews) because of his athleticism, hungry attitude, the ability to not hold back his feelings on social media, and because he brings out my inner Nellie with a “Y” through Instagram.

Let me just say that I don’t like J.R. Smith. Not in the least bit. He simply does not give one F about playing professional basketball and his attitude is among the worst, if not the worst, in the league. This guy has been to jail, smokes weed with the best of ’em, throws the tantrums of a 3 year-old, and just all-around gives me sinister vibes. Exactly what the Cavs need.

NOT.

I will laugh in the face of the next person who says we had to get rid of Dion because of his attitude and his poor shot selection.

Without getting too technical and by-the-numbers, I will say this is an overall good trade for the Cavs, though. We desperately need someone who can play defense and Iman Shumpert can do that all while rocking the best hairdo of the decade.

Who would want to go one-on-one with this face? Not I.

iman

We’ll see what the combined experience of Smith and Shumpert can bring to the table. I hope something of value because we just lost to the worst-team-in-the-NBA-Sixers last night and I consider that nothing short of pooping down your own leg. Shout out to my boy, Henry Sims though.

Cleveland is going to miss Dion. The Thunder come to play here in a couple of weeks, and I don’t doubt he’ll get a standing ovation. He deserves it.

The Bachelor–Episode 1

I never thought the day would come that I couldn’t live without The Bachelor/The Bachelorette, but it came and it’s not going away. There’s just something about eliminating people from a contest by not giving them a thorny flower that really gets me.

I mean, what better way to judge a group of people, than by seeing their true (or, not so true) colors while trying to find love on a television show? There isn’t a better way. Live texting and tweeting my best friends about these yahoos just isn’t cutting it anymore. I must share my innermost judgments about this show with the world.

I will tell anyone that thinks I’m ever being mean or too harsh that it’s only because I’m completely and utterly jealous that these people are getting TV time and I’m not. Except I want to be on Jeopardy, okay maybe the Bachelor too, but mostly Jeopardy.

If you keep up with the show like I do, then you know this season with Chris Soules as The Bachelor is going to be ridiculous. There’s definitely going to be that one girl who literally can’t even believe that this guy is from a farm town in Iowa, population not enough. So to that girl, I say… “bye.”

Here’s to the first episode of season 19 (Jesus H. Christ, 19 seasons of this shit?!) of The Bachelor!

Nothing like starting the episode off with an unnecessary hour of “bachelorebrity” red carpet. Total buzzkill, ABC. P.S.—what is the budget for this? Chris Harrison proclaims this will be “a bachelor premiere unlike any you’ve never seen before.” Weird that I’ve had déjà vu then 19 straight times.

Enter farmer on a motorcycle. The most contradictory opening scene of a season yet.

My friend Jackie and I usually text religiously during all episodes and she gave some great insight into the farming life of Chris: “I’ve done everything this guy has done; I owned that same shovel.” Jackie is from Ashtabula, Ohio originally so to her, this whole farm gaining fame thing is not impressive.

There is a timer in the corner of the screen mocking me with a countdown to when the first limo arrives. This a joke. And this is also NOT NEW YEAR’S EVE.

If anyone watched Bachelor in Paradise, you already know Lacey is dumber than a box of rocks. In her red carpet interview with Chris, she says her upcoming wedding plan ideas are split about 80/40 between her and her fiancé, Marcus. 80/40. 80/40. WHO ELSE REALIZES THIS MAKES ZERO SENSE? Infuriated at this point.

Finally, the intros and the episode have begun. Just some quick thoughts that went through my head:

So. Many. Blondes.

Reason #1 why I like Chris—he hates trying on clothes as much as I do

Reason #2—everything else about him

First person to get out of the limo—um gorge. Britt. BUT OMG longest hug ever.

This girl who is a makeup artist, Megan, is not really wearing makeup?

The fake heart joke wasn’t funny. Not even close.

CASUAL IS NOT OKAY, TARA. You have great legs though. But youre giving me lesbian vibes. And now stalker vibes. Creepy, not okay vibes all around from you Tara.

Mackenzie…

Ashley S. got out of the limo and had no idea where she was I think.

I like a girl who can rock a short ass dress and has a filthy mouth. This girl will be my Bachelor spirit animal.

As the cocktail hour begins…

So Britt wins right?

The girl who found a rock in the shape of a heart. You know she dug through every rock pile just to have something to give him, right?

Nothing makes a girl angrier than more girls that they aren’t effing besties with.

Plus sized model jokes make me uncomfortable, especially when they’re coming from the plus sized model. Sorry, Bo.

**Side Note** I don’t think I’d be able to stand being that girl who from the beginning of the night looks bombtastic, curls are perfect, lips nice and red to the girl whose curls fall and everything just looks like a hot mess by the end of the night. It’s called touching up, girls. Ever heard of a “powder room?”

Ashley S. again with an awkward AF entrance. She’s on drugs probably and I’ll never want to look at an onion, a pomegranate, or any other produce ever again.

The main takeaway of the episode: SOMEONE GIVE TARA HER OWN SHOW.