There’s a time and place for everything in this world and this week it was fate that Bachelor viewers had to subject themselves to 2 days (5 hours) worth of Chris Soules & the Gang.
The girls are told they’re traveling to Chris’ home state of Iowa!
Everyone acts like Iowa is Antarctica. Such hate for the Midwest man, it’s paining me.
It was a no-brainer to pick Jade as the first one-on-one. Playboy Bunny is from Nebraska. But in odd fashion she comments, “wow corn” and “look a dirt road.”
I don’t *mind* cornfields but they’re creepy to a point. Crop circles and scarecrows round out my list of Midwest-related fears.
Why is Britt complaining about not being able to tour his hometown? She clearly doesn’t want to live there. Fuchsia lipstick don’t grow on stalks, boo.
Jade is overwhelmed by Bachelor dates with actual people and by Bachelor dates where there isn’t a soul in sight. What doesn’t overwhelm you Jade? Please enlighten us.
Jade and Chris walk around this ghost town for a bit then he takes her to his high school to see a Friday night football game.
Arlington, Iowa where there is so few people, football players also play saxophone in the band.
Chris and Jade decide to go into the school and makeout against some innocent child’s locker. Student’s future thoughts: “Why me, God? Why me? Can’t those devils at ABC just leave us in Arlington be?”
Whitney gets the next one-on-one and to me, the date is MEH and that’s all I have to say.
Britt starts crying uncontrollably when Jade talks about her date with Chris and it is so awkward because I didn’t think she’d be an ugly crier. Carly, on the other hand, is a pure go-getter (cue Young Jeezy, circa 2006). Way to round up the troupe of basic white girls (which is perfect for Iowa) and get them out on the open road to go creep on Chris’ hometown, Car.
SIDE NOTE: These girls could have done their research before going on this show (?)
TV Me makes an Anchorman joke and we’re right on track to another fabulous episode.
Carly sees JESUS (literally) and so this is fate guys.
MORE SIDE NOTES: You’d think the people of Arlington would be expert movie pirate hackers or whatever you call them since the nearest theater is an hour away.
Whitney is still on her one-on-one while the others are stalking the people of Arlington and she gets to meet Chris’ 3 best friends. Surprisingly they don’t drop to their knees and cover their ears at the sound of her squealing voice.
This skating date seems… miserable. Britt… ugh. She’s basically only talking about how much she likes sunsets and stars which makes me think she’d be a vampire in Iowa(?)
Kaitlyn makes more side comments that just instantly make me want to send her fanmail. Were we twins separated at birth?!?!?!
Then…Britt gets real angry that Kaitlyn gets the rose on the group date, turning her into the most awkward human being on the planet. I said out loud, “Britt stop talking, Britt stop talking” for a solid 2 minutes. Girl wouldn’t zip the fuchsia’s.
Becca gets the next one-on-one and the sunset on their date was so intense Britt had to have been somewhere burning her corneas out being fascinated by it.
Britt continuously talks about the sun. Sunsets are not catalysts to forming actual lifestyles, Britt so goodbye FUCHSIA (see what I did there?). I almost wish Chris would have been like “it’s not even about you being straight up annoying- it’s because I don’t know what your real lips look like.” Britt goes bye-bye.
Carly girl– I’m sad to see you go. I know I gave you a hard time about your karaoke machine wielding entrance but you were a real ass bitch! Great work.
HOMETOWN DATES (already?!?!)
LOUISIANA: Becca is waiting for Chris at a playground dressed as Captain America, but she’s lucky she has flawless skin so no points off for that, Beccs.
ANOTHER SIDE NOTE: I would be terrified to bring Chris home to my family. My dad would take one listen to Chris’ laugh and be like “I’m done, get out.”
CHICAGO: How hilarious would it be for Whitney to bring Chris to Englewood or something? ENGLEWOOOOOOD (the projects of Chicago where my beloved Derrick Rose is from) and she’s actually a gangster. Sorry I just need to make her more interesting in my head.
Whitney takes him to the fertility clinic where she works and they “make a baby.” In 20 years some lucky child is going to be told, “HONEY, CHRIS SOULES, THE BACHELOR, MADE YOU” and it’s going to lead to all kinds of confusion and paternity questioning and Maury Povich, naturally.
Whitney shows Chris the room where men “do their business” to donate specimen. How ironic would it be for Chris to pick up a Playboy and see Jade? 🙂
PHOENIX: Kaitlyn get out of my brain!!!!! A RAP DATE. are you kidding me? Nell in a nutshell. Every time he compliments Kaitlyn on-screen, I find myself whispering “thank you.”
SOMEWHERE IN NEBRASKA: Jade is ashamed of doing Playboy but then wants to show Chris her nude photos to make the situation easier…? WORST IDEA EVER. I’m super uncomfortable watching Chris be super uncomfortable and eventually…
JADE GOES HOME.
FANTASY SUITES NEXT WEEK OH SHIT SHIT SHIT. VIRGIN.