Three Things in My Sports Brain Today

Don’t pin me as a Game of Thrones lover just because I use Robb Stark below. He’s the hot Prince Charming in the new Cinderella movie, so that’s why I used him. DUH.

1. Derrick Rose has to undergo yet another surgery for yet another torn meniscus.


Why, God, why? I’m sad, devastated, sad, and devastated. But people don’t really seem to be making a big deal out of this and so prayers for Derrick. On a solidly positive note, the Bulls may not be so tough to defeat in the playoffs after all.

2. Kendrick Perkins makes his debut with the Cleveland Cavaliers.


Shame on me for never watching tape of Kendrick Perkins run before. It was exciting to see him get in the game, but just as Alice looks above, that’s how I watched him play yesterday. Can’t wait for him to get gritty wit it doe, like my girl Jillian feels above.

3. The Cleveland Browns’ new logo is difficult to enjoy.


When I saw the new Browns’ logo, I definitely looked a lot like Gingerbread Man from Shrek minus the pooping out of the jelly beans. That dog looks like a “villain” in a Looney Tunes episode. Next time can we at least take votes on considering the poop emoji with the smiley face?!



The Bachelor–Episode 8

This is a sad post for me as I got eliminated on tonight’s episode.
This is a happy post for me because I could be the next Bachelorette.

Aww, here it goes.

Hi TV me, love your top. Also your necklace.

The dates are in Bali this week and Chris is getting real into the culture. I watched last night’s episode with my best friend, Jill, who kindly acknowledged the fact that Chris was getting a bit too comfortable in the traditional garb:

“Get your hand off your hip, you’re wearing s dress.” -Jill

Duly noted to never try to straighten my hair if I ever go to Bali.

Some monkeys approach Kaitlyn and Chris and Chris acts like he’s worked at the zoo for the last 32 years of his life. I’m sure he’s seen so many monkeys in Iowa. Thank God for one of the monkeys who peed on Chris shirt because it was clearly irritated by the fact his button up (in 100-degree weather) was lime green and made him look foolish.

Many thoughts are running through my mind as more and more monkeys are being exposed by ABC, for example, “do monkey farm(?) liabilities exist?”

Fantasy suite pre-dinner comes along and this is usually where everyone painstakingly reveals their feelings for one another. TV me should know better not to use so many scatterbrained words to say she’s letting her guard down. Also if I knew I wasn’t the first fantasy date I’d be pissed.

They obvi go to the fantasy suite and there is a tub that is strictly filled with rose petals, I’m almost sure of it. Jill and I gasped when Chris said he was falling in love with Kaitlyn but as I’m writing this now it was all BULL SHIT because SPOILER ALERT AGAIN– I GO HOME.

Whitney is the next day’s date and damnit, can’t Chris just wear a normal shirt out? It should at least have ruffles on it with that Mayflower-ass lookin’ ship he and Whitney board.

Winner of the night is the cute Bali man ship conductor.

If Whitney doesn’t get picked it’s because she wouldn’t shut up in the fantasy suite, right? Guaranteed. The rest of their date is boring and of course Whitdawg accepts the fantasy suite date.

Day 3 is with Becca and I love that Chris keeps opting for the incredibly obvious pit stains rather than a short GOD DAMN sleeved shirt.

This is what is said at dinner:
Becca: “Wow your town is small.”
Chris: “Well yeah it’s small.”

ABC, for the sake of everyone let these people inside to eat. It’s hard to breathe in Bali AS AN INNOCENT VIEWER OF THIS SHOW.

I’m pissed because Chris chooses Becca and Whitney and bye Kaitlyn so I don’t want to share any more thoughts on this journey that he will clearly regret.

Can’t wait for The Women Tell All episode next week because Kelsey Ashley I. Ashley S. Britt.

Trades on Trades on Trades

“RT if you got traded today.”

By far my favorite tweet of yesterday and I’m sure any other NBA fan would appreciate it. Yesterday marked the last day of the trade deadline and 11 total trades were made. It felt like a million trades were made, actually. The more I kept seeing trades go down, the more confused I got. I feel like teams were just like “meh, we’re sick of this guy so we’ll replace him for the exact same player.”

The only true winner of yesterday was the Oklahoma City Thunder. Who’d they get?

1. An outstanding backup point guard in D.J. Augustin (from the Pistons)
After Brandon Jennings went down with a torn achilles, Augustin stepped up in a big way for the Pistons. He’s an above average 3-point shooting point guard and will, no doubt, make a great backup to Russell Westbrook; the Thunder need that playoff push now.

2. A constantly progressing center in Enes Kanter (from the Jazz)
I don’t know much about Kanter aside from he’s Turkish and the Thunder really need a decent center after Adams went down and because, why not add a foreign player to the mix? Powerhouse Nick Collison can’t do it all on his own (sarcasm).

3. A token white guy in small forward, Steve Novak (from the Jazz)

NBA: Utah Jazz-Media Day
This guy resembles every cooky English/History teacher that ever taught at North Olmsted City Schools. I’m talking about you, Mr. Titas, crazed fanatic of Animal Farm. Novak has played on 8 different NBA teams but has always consistently shot the ball. The Thunder could use a nice pick-me-up coming off the bench and quite frankly, someone who is just nice and polite like Mr. Novak.

4. A sharp shooter and somewhat more athletic white guy in small forward, Kyle Singler (from the Pistons)

NBA: Detroit Pistons at Milwaukee Bucks

I’m just going to come right out and say it– Kyle Singler has a sweating problem. This guy sweats more than Shaquille O’Neal in the Sahara Desert. Games have yet to begin and Singler looks like he was drowning in the ocean 5 minutes before tipoff. Rant over. Kyle Singler is good and can be very good if he stays consistent. He’s a good shooter, can drive, and with this addition, the Thunder round out a very good bunch of guys to add to the roster mid-way through the season.

Other side notes:
-It’s a shame Chris Bosh could miss the remainder of the season after being hospitalized for having blood clots in his lungs. Goran Dragic is an outstanding player who could definitely put the Heat in a decent playoff spot, but not without Chris Bosh.

-Someone slap the guy who thought it would be a good idea to trade Brandon Knight to the Suns. Shame on you. Brandon Knight was starting to become a true leader for the Bucks and now he has to adapt to the West’s playing style and create chemistry with a whole new team who might not make the playoffs. SHAME.

-Kevin Garnett going back to the Timberwolves is like when Michael Jordan came out of retirement (again) and played as #23 for the Wizards. Not the same, old news, and quite frankly, not that exciting.

-So the Cavs might pick up Kendrick Perkins, eh? But what will happen to the legendary #33 Brendan Haywood? Stay tuned fans.

The Bachelor– Episode 7

There’s a time and place for everything in this world and this week it was fate that Bachelor viewers had to subject themselves to 2 days (5 hours) worth of Chris Soules & the Gang.


The girls are told they’re traveling to Chris’ home state of Iowa!
Everyone acts like Iowa is Antarctica. Such hate for the Midwest man, it’s paining me.

It was a no-brainer to pick Jade as the first one-on-one. Playboy Bunny is from Nebraska. But in odd fashion she comments, “wow corn” and “look a dirt road.”

I don’t *mind* cornfields but they’re creepy to a point. Crop circles and scarecrows round out my list of Midwest-related fears.

Why is Britt complaining about not being able to tour his hometown? She clearly doesn’t want to live there. Fuchsia lipstick don’t grow on stalks, boo.

Jade is overwhelmed by Bachelor dates with actual people and by Bachelor dates where there isn’t a soul in sight. What doesn’t overwhelm you Jade? Please enlighten us.

Jade and Chris walk around this ghost town for a bit then he takes her to his high school to see a Friday night football game.

Arlington, Iowa where there is so few people, football players also play saxophone in the band.

Chris and Jade decide to go into the school and makeout against some innocent child’s locker. Student’s future thoughts: “Why me, God? Why me? Can’t those devils at ABC just leave us in Arlington be?”

Whitney gets the next one-on-one and to me, the date is MEH and that’s all I have to say.

Britt starts crying uncontrollably when Jade talks about her date with Chris and it is so awkward because I didn’t think she’d be an ugly crier. Carly, on the other hand, is a pure go-getter (cue Young Jeezy, circa 2006). Way to round up the troupe of basic white girls (which is perfect for Iowa) and get them out on the open road to go creep on Chris’ hometown, Car.

SIDE NOTE: These girls could have done their research before going on this show (?)

TV Me makes an Anchorman joke and we’re right on track to another fabulous episode.

Carly sees JESUS (literally) and so this is fate guys.

MORE SIDE NOTES: You’d think the people of Arlington would be expert movie pirate hackers or whatever you call them since the nearest theater is an hour away.

Whitney is still on her one-on-one while the others are stalking the people of Arlington and she gets to meet Chris’ 3 best friends. Surprisingly they don’t drop to their knees and cover their ears at the sound of her squealing voice.


This skating date seems… miserable. Britt… ugh. She’s basically only talking about how much she likes sunsets and stars which makes me think she’d be a vampire in Iowa(?)

Kaitlyn makes more side comments that just instantly make me want to send her fanmail. Were we twins separated at birth?!?!?!

Then…Britt gets real angry that Kaitlyn gets the rose on the group date, turning her into the most awkward human being on the planet. I said out loud, “Britt stop talking, Britt stop talking” for a solid 2 minutes. Girl wouldn’t zip the fuchsia’s.

Becca gets the next one-on-one and the sunset on their date was so intense Britt had to have been somewhere burning her corneas out being fascinated by it.

Britt continuously talks about the sun. Sunsets are not catalysts to forming actual lifestyles, Britt so goodbye FUCHSIA (see what I did there?). I almost wish Chris would have been like “it’s not even about you being straight up annoying- it’s because I don’t know what your real lips look like.” Britt goes bye-bye.

Carly girl– I’m sad to see you go. I know I gave you a hard time about your karaoke machine wielding entrance but you were a real ass bitch! Great work.


HOMETOWN DATES (already?!?!)

LOUISIANA: Becca is waiting for Chris at a playground dressed as Captain America, but she’s lucky she has flawless skin so no points off for that, Beccs.

ANOTHER SIDE NOTE: I would be terrified to bring Chris home to my family. My dad would take one listen to Chris’ laugh and be like “I’m done, get out.”

CHICAGO: How hilarious would it be for Whitney to bring Chris to Englewood or something? ENGLEWOOOOOOD (the projects of Chicago where my beloved Derrick Rose is from) and she’s actually a gangster. Sorry I just need to make her more interesting in my head.

Whitney takes him to the fertility clinic where she works and they “make a baby.” In 20 years some lucky child is going to be told, “HONEY, CHRIS SOULES, THE BACHELOR, MADE YOU” and it’s going to lead to all kinds of confusion and paternity questioning and Maury Povich, naturally.

Whitney shows Chris the room where men “do their business” to donate specimen. How ironic would it be for Chris to pick up a Playboy and see Jade? 🙂

PHOENIX: Kaitlyn get out of my brain!!!!! A RAP DATE. are you kidding me? Nell in a nutshell. Every time he compliments Kaitlyn on-screen, I find myself whispering “thank you.”

SOMEWHERE IN NEBRASKA: Jade is ashamed of doing Playboy but then wants to show Chris her nude photos to make the situation easier…? WORST IDEA EVER. I’m super uncomfortable watching Chris be super uncomfortable and eventually…



50 Shades of STFU


These days, everyone is a critic. Give someone a social media platform and if you’re in the mood to piss yourself off, read about all of their opinions on the daily. “Why it’s like so nasty that girls wear yoga pants around,” “Why Republicans are better than Democrats,” and my current favorite:


Let’s all settle down for a second. This blog is not going to be about me pushing my opinions on what you think of this book-turned-movie (after all, if you read the book you shouldn’t be surprised at what happens in the movie). You can think whatever you want about this movie. I just want everyone to know what my opinion is, in general: everyone is way too sensitive nowadays and if you don’t want to argue on social media, don’t post controversial posts about stupid things like movies.

Here’s a few reasons why I thoroughly enjoyed Fifty Shades of Grey:

1. Jamie Dornan

I wouldn’t be doing my 24-year old self and my generation any justice if I didn’t come right out and say that Jamie Dornan plays a HOT Christian Grey. I held my breath every time he spoke because of the intensity in Dornan’s acting. I’m a big fan of not casting a Hollywood A-Lister, here. Oh, and the abs speak for themselves.


2. Dakota Johnson

Again, the choice to not cast a Hollywood A-Lister, was on point. Johnson and Dornan’s chemistry was electrifying. Played out on-screen, I felt like Johnson gave Ana more of a badass vibe than in the book, so I was real into that.


3. Other characters? Who cares?

I’m glad the screenplay writers and directors chose not to give a single shit about any of the other characters in the book. I think Taylor the driver got more screen time than Elliot Grey, Kate, and the helpless Jose. The film would have become way too cluttered if they chose to focus on any of the other characters. All anybody really wants to see is the sex, anyway.

4. The soundtrack

I liked the soundtrack before I even saw the movie and let me tell you, the music was ON POINT throughout the whole film. From the dramatic version of Beyonce’s “Crazy in Love” during the play room scene to Ellie Goulding’s “Love Me Like You Do” during the intimate helicopter ride, the music made every scene that much better.

5. Oh yeah, it was all consensual.

I really tried taking a step back and going into the movie open-minded. I understand that a lot of people were offended by the dominant/submissive relationship between Ana and Christian and I’m not going to say you shouldn’t have been offended. Everyone has their own feelings toward certain situations for different personal reasons. This struck a chord with me in thinking I might be too naive or shallow, but I was so excited to see this movie for the hot bodies and sex and not to analyze how the production staff should have interpreted the S&M to meet everyone and their mothers’ (I saw you out there, horny moms of the universe) needs. Nothing in the movie was offensive to me because it was all consensual. I think a lot of people overlooked the fact that they love each other and Ana was simply trying to dig deeper (sexual pun intended) into Christian’s life.

I’m excited for the next two movies to come out and I hope everyone is aware no one is forcing you to go see them. If you didn’t like the first one, chances are you won’t like the rest of them, so prepare your social whining for something maybe a bit more important.

Say What You Want About Derrick Rose…

I remember nervously sitting up in bed my senior year of high school in 2008 watching the last few heartbreaking minutes of the NCAA Championship game between Memphis and Kansas tick away. I had become a huge fan of Derrick Rose in his freshman year at Memphis– the soft spoken kid from Chicago who could respectfully take an earful from the infamous Coach Calipari, who could break ankles with the best of ’em; Derrick was a special player and everyone knew it.

Atlanta Hawks v Chicago Bulls
The hair style has also improved.

The Memphis Tigers lost that game in the final two minutes after having a 9-point lead; a bunch of missed free throws sealed their fate. I was upset because I was rooting for Derrick to be a part of Memphis’ first championship team, but I was excited to see him get drafted to the NBA a few short months later.

Derrick was named the NBA Rookie of the Year that following season, and only two years later was named the NBA Most Valuable Player, the youngest player to ever be awarded that honor.

We all know what follows. A devastating ACL tear, a full season missed, and a meniscus tear. Those who know me well knew how crushed I was to watch the NBA without Derrick Rose in it. I closely followed his comeback videos and all the updates he had to share; I saw how happy he was to become a father, but I saw the emptiness in his eyes when he was interviewed about when he would come back to play for his hometown Bulls.

FINALLY, Derrick is back. It hasn’t been a perfect return; he’s still sat out his fair share of games this season. He’s stirred up some controversy by saying he’d rather retire early and be a good father before playing for years and years and damage his entire body. Derrick is real and respectable and you can say what you want about how “he’s soft now,” or “he’s not giving it his all,” or “he’s just not the same player.”


Sure there are adjustments that need to be made to an athlete’s game after coming back from two terrible knee injuries, but when you sit and watch Derrick Rose, he still has the explosiveness of a point guard who’s never experienced injury; he plays with the heart of a basketball player who’s never felt disappointment; he sticks to his guns like someone who’s never been doubted before.

It’s going to be awesome watching the Cavs and the Bulls duke it out in the East and last night proved it. While I of course was rooting for my Cavs to win this crucial eastern conference match-up the night before All-Star weekend, I was let down and incredibly happy at the same time because Derrick Rose was the one who beat us.

A 30-point game with only 2 turnovers, 1 steal, 7 assists, and 4 rebounds?

Say what you want about him, just as long as you give him a good, “Welcome back, Derrick,” first.

The Bachelor– Episode 6

We begin the episode with Kelsey having a panic attack on the floor. This is going to be a Monday night like no other.

At least she had the decency to keep her legs closed while a camera was capturing this brilliant soap opera-worthy moment.

Was this staged? Not sure. Is Kelsey delusional? Not sure. Am I making this face every moment she’s on screen?



After her remarkable Broadway audition Kelsey goes back to sit with the ladies on the couch and will not shut up. Everyone is all…


I didn’t prepare for a rose ceremony this early, especially one commentated by Ashley I. and Kelsey, but I can suck it up for one night, ya know? Ashley I. is prepping for the rose ceremony and it comes to my attention that she is like that girl at Wing Warehouse (R.I.P.) who goes too hard, cries while throwing up in the germ-ridden bathroom, and comes out like “I’m okay, I’m okay,” but everyone knows she’s not okay because all of her “waterproof” mascara is running down her face. Aw, that rant just made me really miss the ‘017.

Mackenzie and a girl I’ve never seen before go home. Was really hoping Mackenzie would beam off into a spaceship, though. Come on ABC; I know it’s in your budget.


“This is where Calamity Jane…did her business.” -Chris ( a.k.a someone who has no idea what Calamity Jane did.)

A peaceful place like South Dakota does not deserve a crazy like Kelsey coming in and disturbing the peace and Britt must not have a brain under all that bun if she’s befriending said Cookoo Cachoo.


Becca is soops cute and I’m glad she gets the one-on-one but unfortunately Kelsey feels differently and doesn’t take soops cute qualities into consideration before she skins people alive.

Becca was pretty overly excited for someone who’s never ridden a horse before, but hey the excitement is, you guessed it, SOOPS CUTE.

BACK AT THE RANCH (but seriously…)

Kelsey: “I am blessed with eloquence.” DROP THE MIC, WALK AWAY.


“Tonight has been fantastic because Becca is fantastic.” You are a true wordsmith, Mr. Soules.

TV me is on point in her opinions of what it would be like to go on a 2-on-1 date with Kelsey: “Terrifying.”


Oh hey, Big & Rich??

“Save a bachelor, kill a Kelsey” is the only song that I heard any time someone said “Big & Rich.”

Jade is all “MEHHHHHH writing and singing songs makes me uncomfortable,” and I’m all “MEHHHHH you’re really annoying and basic.” Jade isn’t comfortable with writing a song but she’s okay with running down the streets screaming with members of a country duo? I guess that would boost my confidence too, no it wouldn’t.

I’m pretty sure TV me said “pussy” and rapped her country song and to that I say WE ARE SOUL SISTERS because I once did a rap in high school in front of people. I bet you’re all surprised.

Chris claims he doesn’t understand his chemistry with Britt. I’m no Sherlock Holmes, but YOU’RE BOTH HOT AND I’M PRETTY SURE THAT’S WHERE THE CHEMISTRY IS FORMED. I’d be soops pissed about this runaway date Britt and Chris had if I were the other girls and Britt is dressed like an 80’s aerobics instructor. What’s worse is that he gave her the rose at the concert and now everyone is sitting back at the bar waiting, all…


News flash to Whitney- it’s not the biggest Big & Rich fan who gets to see the show. You’re complaining about the wrong thing, here.

The 2-on-1…

I try to block a lot of this out. Ashley I. is getting a bit cocky and her eyelashes are going to fall off from all excited blinking she’s doing. It then occurs to me below Kelsey’s name on-screen that she is listed as a Guidance Counselor. GIRL, BYE.

Chris pulls a real bro move by throwing Ashley under the bus, but the line of the night goes to Ashley for confronting Kelsey: “You’re from Pleasantville and I’m from 2014.”

Goodbye to Kelsey and Ashley I., who both get eliminated on the 2-on-1 because they are the world’s two most exhausting people.

The Bachelor–Episode 5

For all the shade on tonight’s episode, please see this. According to my girl Jackie, “These girls are all under a willow tree.” #SHADE

“Santa Fe is the perfect place to fall in love,” says Chris. Walter White once said that too, from his experience of finding a great life in New Mexico. WHERE MY BREAKING BAD PEOPLES AT?!

Megan thinks New Mexico is Mexico to which I say I hope someone throws an American-made burrito in your face.

A sorority type cheers is made at the hotel in not a different country…and we’re off!


Carly is excited about her one-on-one to the point where I think she eats cotton candy for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. It’s not required to wear an Aztec-patterned sweater and I hope the love guru tells Carly what’s up down in the New Mex.

This date is a new one. I’m just waiting for someone to let out a fart. This “guru” lady (which BTW, if you refer to yourself as a guru then bye felicia) is creepin’ me out. Doggie style. Carly and Chris are de-robing and doggie-styling and if ABC starts playing bow chicka wow wow type shit, I’m out.

I’d also volunteer being eliminated if I had to heavily breathe on my date as the date itself.


Kelsey killed her husband. Bold prediction and totally insensitive, but I’m a pretty good detective so.


Carly is a cruise ship karaoke singer but that date made her uncomfortable. Something doesn’t add up. Carly, like, stop saying like. It’s making me not listen to this serious conversation you’re trying to have.

Chris ends the date with a real WOAH to the cameras. He is complimenting up a storm about Carly but actually I kinda like her. I just have to let go of the whole karaoke machine entrance. People don’t forget!



Wouldn’t it be wild to eliminate the girls by throwing them off the raft instead of with roses? #ConfessionsOfADisturbingMind

Everyone’s mad at Jade for having an actual disorder with her body temperature (although, that is a new one for me and prob all of Bachelor history). Kelsey and Mackenzie specifically have a problem with this, to which I say aliens and sociopaths.

JORDAN’S BACK. Whaaaaaaaaaaat. Why are basic bitches coming back and stalking the shit out of this show? Don’t they have anything better to do? That’s a clear negative. I was rooting for Jordan because she reminds me of me in college and sometimes me now. Returns on this show are worthless, but nice try girlfriend.

PSA Ladies– it’s also not required to wear turquoise jewelry in New Mexico!!! These subtle, yet not-so-subtle wardrobe adaptations are cracking my shit up.

The girls are obviously annoyed that Jordan came back, and go to make the age old Bachelor mistake of shit talking the girl who came back rather than talk about themselves.


BRITT DOESN’T SHOWER. I knew there had to be something wrong with this chick. Days without showering…fine. Weeks…unacceptable.

Britt’s reaction to the date card legit made me spit out my Land-O-Lake’s Arctic White hot chocolate. (Don’t judge me; Bachelor time is Basic Nell time, too)


Ashley I. needs to give it up (not her virginity, just her entire attitude). She’s a Godforsaken bully with an immaculate smokey eye and way too short of a dress on.


Chris for future advice, surprising a girl at 4:30 in the morning while she’s dead asleep is not cute. Especially on national television. EXCEPT IF YOU’RE BRITT THIS DOESN’T MATTER BECAUSE SHE *WHAT LADIES & GENTLEMEN?* *WEARS MAKEUP TO BED!*

Chris says something about how she looks beautiful. Chris, you may be a man but fuchsia lipstick doesn’t just happen naturally.

I have a lot of strong opinions about this date. There’s just a lot wrong with spontaneity in the morning. Sometimes people morning poop. It’s just who they are, okay? You certainly can’t do that in a hot air balloon.

Britt was crying less than 24 hours ago about what this date could be and now she’s totally fine. Fear cured? Chris is a miracle worker.

Let’s just be clear…I never want to be the girl people are talking about for not showering. I’d rather die an Ashley I.

Britt comes back from her date and Ohhhhhhhh NO SHE DID NOT just tell them all that she stayed in his room for hours and napped.


Kelsey GRADE A BULLSHIT made up her story about her husband dying. Either that or she killed him and I’m sticking to that story. She is plotting someone else’s death now…and it’s going to be you, Chris. Side thought–boy would I like to see a showdown between her and Ashley S.

Kelsey went to one hell of an acting school. James Lipton, was it you who trained her you film and actor God? I WILL FIND OUT.

We end the episode on a To be continued… and with Kelsey having a fake panic attack.