The Poor Suckers Have Been Revealed!

The new, and might I reiterate, lamest ever beginning to a Bachelorette season ever, premieres this Monday!

I know what you’re thinking. Nell, how could you possibly be blogging about something so foolish when the Cavs are in the middle of a heated playoff series with the Bulls?

My answer to you is: lay off me.
I’m obviously not an idiot. Of course I know the Cavs are playing. I’ve saved every emotional penny into my fictional, mental Cavs piggy bank. This blog is simply a distraction from the thoughts that consume me most throughout the day.

Now, to judging the contestants that have just been revealed. This is going to be good.

Chris

Chris

Hello, did you just step out of Cristiano Ronaldo’s closet and/or are you his twin?

Justin

Justin

Is a fitness trainer, and looks like a fitness trainer. Booooring.

Joe

Joe

Whatever Wreck-it-Ralph’s tagline is, this should also be Joe’s. The resemblance is uncanny.

Ryan B.

Ryan-B

I believe that is a FitBit on his right wrist. Eliminate immediately.

Shawn E.

Shawn-E

lol. this guy is an amateur sex coach (which isn’t a real thing) who dresses like that (an asshole).

Josh A.

Josh

His hands look gigantic for his body. Which could come in “HANDY” later.

Daniel

Daniel

I hate white collared dress shirts when the actual dress shirt is not white. But he’s a fashion designer so what the fuck do I know, right?

Ryan M.

Ryan-M

I’m thinking he just takes bad pictures. But his dimples have tons of potential.

Bradley

Bradley

Had zero thoughts about this person. Sorry.

Ian

Ian

Matt Kemp-esque with a lesser hairline. I ain’t mad at it.

Jonathan

Jonathan

We’ve got a bad boy in our midst. Who is from Detroit. Bad boy, Detroit. See, I can’t go long without a basketball reference.

Clint

Clint

Say it with your chest?

Ben H.

Ben-H

Um. Looks like a software salesman. Oh wait, he is.

JJ

JJ

Another guy potentially wearing a fitbit or some sort of athletic bracelet in this promo? Ugh…

Josh S.

Josh-S

My what giant eyebrows and little eyes you have, my dear.

David

David

That’s what I’m talking ’bout. Although he poses a concerned smile, I’m digging his look the most so far.

Tanner

Tanner

Or is it more tan? Name jokes, people.

Kupah

Kupah

Would only be thinking about Mario Kart every time he was near. Koopa Troopa, Koopa shells, duh.

Shawn B.

Shawn-B

Another personal trainer. Another bore.

Jared

Jared

All I’ll say is…not my type.

Ben Z.

Ben-Z

Another fitness coach, are you serious?! Although he looks like he just farted and can’t stop giggling about, he’s cute. I’ll give this one the benefit of the doubt.

Brady

Brady

Don’t you know only high-fashion NBA players are allowed to wear too-long t’s, Brady? And you look way older than 33.

Corey

Corey

AND YOU LOOK WAY OLDER THAN 30.

Cory

Cory

Says he’s from Texas, so hopefully an accent can make you hotter.

Tony

Tony

Guys are still rocking this haircut, huh? The moment he tucks a strand behind an ear, we’re done. WE’RE DONE, TONY.

Which of these chumps looks most promising to you?!

#TeamKaitlyn

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