The Bachelorette– Episode 7

I hope Shawn’s calmed down since last week, but chances are slim.

He’s very straight-out-the-gate when he confronts Kaitlyn in her hotel room: “Are you in love with me?”

Damn. I’d hate to be Kaitlyn.

A random courtyard video shoot of Nick and Tanner is happening and they’re discussing nothing important. Have you no loyalty Tanner? How could you be taking walks with Nick when you were the one interrogating him in the lion’s den a few episodes ago? Don’t trust anyone named Tanner, unless it’s D.J., Stephanie, Michelle, Danny, or Comet.

TWO-ON-ONE

Easily the most boring and least controversial one in Bachelor/ette history, right?

It’s between Joe (Wreck-it) and JJ.

That toast JJ just gave was a first. “Cheers to me falling for you.”
*Clinks glass with said woman and other suitor* what

I’m a bit thrown off at Joe’s statements about how he’s falling in love with Kaitlyn considering we never see them together on-camera, but his sincerity gives me goosebumps.

It is also on the two-on-one date that JJ confesses he cheated on his wife three years ago. His daughter is three. Strictly stating facts here. It was with a blonde, slick-back haired buff named Clint, wasn’t it JJ? You’re not fooling us.

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This two-on-one date is the shortest ever and bye JJ. You had a good, and somewhat douchey run. Kaitlyn also doesn’t give Joe the rose at that time even though that’s how it’s been done for 20 years, and decides she’s going to wait until they spend some alone time together later. SPOILER ALERT: JOE GETS THE ROSE.

Meanwhile, Shawn is planning on blowing up Ireland. With his mind. The whole country.

Someone should  have advised Shawn on the concept of this show, because he’s exhausting me. Has this guy ever looked into a mirror? How could he be so self-conscious?

*Side Note* Shawn wears incredibly fitted jeans.

Leading up to the rose ceremony, Kaitlyn sits with Ben Z., who never wipes that teddy bear grin off his face, Ben H., remember “H” for “hawt,” and Nick, who cries uglier than Kim Kardashian West.

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Your cry is fooling no one, Nick.

As the rose ceremony approaches, I’m wondering how Tanner managed to make it this far? I don’t even think they kissed once. Goodbye to him and Ben Z, who was just too damn nice. He won’t have any troubles moving forward. Heck, I wouldn’t even mind seeing him as the next Bachelor.

Win of the episode is that the bus in Ireland the guys minus Jared ride is called The Paddy Wagon. Jared gets to ride with Kaitlyn in style. Is anyone else terrified of driving on the complete other side of the road, opposite everything we’ve known our whole lives? I would be stressin.

Jared and his awful hairstyle are still super cute.

ONE-ON-ONE

Cupcake time! Meaning, with Chris the dentist. He says something about his soul resembling old hotels and castles that are well-kempt. Noted, Chris. Noted.

Chris Harrison also throws a curveball rule change and I think Bachelorette life as I know it this season was all for ratings. My stance on never doing a two-bachelorette decision again is firm, but this new rule, I’m okay with. Kaitlyn will be doing overnights with the guys before hometowns. Fine, I get it. It’d be really awkward to bring someone home then find out they’re bad in bed. EXCEPT FOR NICK WHO ALREADY KNOWS.

Cupcake gets eliminated on his one-on-one, as I write a letter to ABC stating Bachelors and Bachelorettes alike should not be dumping contestants on the edge of high cliffs.

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Cupcake gets real sad and cries in a weird, “i’m totally laughing at you, but sort of with you” kind of way. The real issue Chris, is that you’re a dentist in Nashville and not a musician. You picked the wrong city.

On to next week where Kaitlyn finally (I think) tells the guys she “got intimate” with Nick. Yee haw!

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The Bachelorette– Episode 6

Oh, Ian. ABC, please get this douche lord off my television screen. He’s so anti-everything.

I’m pretty sure that when a girl tells a guy she wants him to plow her field, she’s not that serious? Not sure. I am sure you cannot use that against her though, like as a point of contention to why you cannot date her.

Nothing is funny to Ian. His hairline is, to me. But he “gets so much ass,” with it so what do I know?

Worse than LeBron's.
Hairline worse than LeBron’s.

My Ian rant isn’t over. This guy also was ran over by a car and was told he could never walk again. That does not give you the right to act like your God’s gift to the planet. I want to meet that driver and tell them I wish they would have been going a little faster. Mean, but true.

“I’m tired of talking about people’s farts and bowel movements.” -Ian

Someone was obviously never read “Everybody Poops” as a child. Pure neglect.

BYE IAN. YOU’RE SO LUCKY YOU DON’T HAVE A TWITTER BECAUSE I WOULD HAVE SAID ALL THAT TO YOUR FACE (AVATAR-ICALLY SPEAKING).

Moving on.

Nick swoops in to see if Kaitlyn is okay.

“I like Kaitlyn. I’m very protective of her.” Nick, you’re just creepy.

Meanwhile the guys are chatting endlessly about Ian leaving and Shawn is somewhere with smoke coming out of every hole in his body because he hates that Nick is with Kaitlyn. Tanner complains that he’s had no time with Kaitlyn and that’s because he’s been campaigning for the Presidency.

Rose ceremony time, once again, at the beginning of the show, which I hate.

We say goodbye to Justin and Joshua. Justin’s hair bothered me anyway and well, we all know what Joshua let happen to his hair.

The group is on their way to Dublin!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So let’s all overuse the word “LUCKY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

This is Wreck-It’s first time out of the country. Would never have guessed…

ONE-ON-ONE

Nick.

Shawn is beat red (more than usual), and in need of some serious breathing exercises.

Kaitlyn and Nick walk through a park, where we find out more about Kaitlyn’s fear of birds. It’s an insane fear she has, so naturally she got two birds tattooed on her arms. Wtf, mate.

I’ve said before that Nick looks like he’s the best kisser ever and he proves that yet again, for the next half hour of the show. As if that’s not good enough, they go and have sex and the camera crew is filming the door while all the moanings are happening. So uncomfortable.

The next morning Nick tells everyone he went back to Kaitlyn’s suite and it was very casual. Sounds about right. At this point, Shawn is boiling. BOILING.

Thank goodness it’s time for the

GROUP DATE.

The group re-creates an Irish Wake, which is supposed to be fun and all, but like shouldn’t ABC not do that considering one of The Bachelorette’s contestants actually died last season? R.I.P. Eric Hill.

Like 50 years from now, when Kaitlyn isn’t with the guy she picked from this show, is she going to tell her grandchildren she pretended to be dead on a date once? Is that a good story to tell?

Jared gets the group date rose because he’s normal and nice, but needs to do something about his hair.

At this point, Shawn is losing his mind and I love watching guys unravel like this because females get a bad rap for being crazy jealous. Take that, wieners of the world.

Unmanned, But Not Unfanned

Those who know me well know I hate change. I get attached to possessions, living arrangements, daily routines, etc. But. I especially get attached to my Cavaliers.

It took me a few days to be able to gather how I felt about losing in the Finals. Many of you may be shocked by this, but I’m actually very okay with losing and here’s why. It kind of goes back to that whole, I don’t like change thing.

Before you start sighing and rolling your eyes, you should know better of me than to think I didn’t or don’t want the Cavs to win a title; I absolutely do. The problem lies within the obsessive possession and overprotection I have for my hometown team.

I was at the game on that cold February night in 2011 when the Cavs broke their 26-game losing streak. I’ll never forget how pumped I was for Mo Williams to return from his injury. Mo gave, no pun intended, some heat to LeBron when he left the previous summer and I was proud of the fact that someone on the Cavs stood up for our city and fans. Ending that 26-game losing streak against the Clippers that night made the crowd so unbelievable jubilant, that it was devastatingly beautiful. A lot of people gave up on us after LeBron left, but I was at Quicken Loans Arena that night to cheer on the victory in a way that would have made you think we had won the championship. My brother and I actually have the front page of The Plain Dealer from the following morning saved; it’s hanging on his bedroom wall. It’s a little hard to tell from the fade of the 4 year-old newspaper, but the looks on Christian Eyenga and Ryan Hollins’ faces are priceless.

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Do you remember March 30 of that same season in 2011? I was there for that one too. That was the first time we beat the Heat with LeBron coming out of the visiting locker room. The hatred hadn’t really subsided from his first game back at home in December, but our pride overpowered those negative feelings. The only thing that made me sad about that game was seeing Big Z, my all-time favorite Cavalier, not in a hometown uniform. Our two leading scorers that night were JJ Hickson and Anthony Parker as we somehow kept an infamous LeBron James triple-double performance at bay from snagging the “W.” My, how things have changed. The Q was on fire that night, once again filled with those diehard, unforgiving, relentless Cavs fans I felt so honored to be a part of.

A lot has changed since 2010, but then again, a lot hasn’t for me.

Sure, when LeBron came back I cried tears of joy, and when Kyrie re-signed and we acquired Kevin Love, I and the rest of this city knew we weren’t going to be a miserable joke of a team anymore. The talent part changed. I, on the other hand, never faltered in my belief in this team, who took a complete 180 in the course of four years.

That’s why I’m okay with the Warriors winning the NBA Championship this year. I’ll be very candid– all of LeBron’s (and now Cleveland’s) fair weather fans suck. If you’re reading this and you’re one of them, you’re awful and chances are we can never be friends. Sorry for your loss ;).

Too many people started appreciating us now. Too many people who had no idea who Matthew Dellavedova was at the start of the season, started worshipping flase prophet deli trays, now.

In the words of Mr. Cavalier, Austin Carr: “Get that weak stuff outta here!”

You’re the same people right now who are making excuses for our Finals loss and talking shit on the Warriors. Just stop.

If we would have won the NBA Championship (from my lips to God’s ears) it would have gotten worse. Suddenly, Cleveland would have a million new supporters and people would suddenly stop hating on our city’s championship-less history. Well guess what? We’re better off without your support.

I don’t like change.

I do like being (in my mind) the #1 Cleveland Cavaliers fan on the planet. What I like even more, is supporting my city and its sports teams when we’re the worst. It’s a brilliant and glorious tragedy, but it’s what I’m used to and it’s what I’m made out of. I wouldn’t be who I am today without undeniable passion for the Cavs, plain and simple. It’s hard to watch the inauthenticity others try to boast– I can spot you from a mile away.

To have won the Championship would have meant the change I’m so afraid of– the shift in those appreciating Cleveland and the Cavs for all the wrong reasons. The change that we’d be expected to win it all, back-to-back.

Even with the best player in the world on our team, we’ve always been the underdog (sorry LeBron, it’s true) and I like it that way.

Next year we’ll be ready. There’s no doubt about that in my mind. Cross our fingers for healthy players, the same amount of tenacity, and the continued mindset of never giving up. We were unmanned in this series and that unfortunately couldn’t be helped.

Next year, I’ll be ready too. My love and hope for this team will never change and by then, it’ll have given outsiders the chance to read up, watch up, and start appreciating this franchise and this city.

#AllinCLE, always.

The Bachelorette– Episode 5

Nick is 34? He looks much younger. Just a friendly observation.

The episode begins with Nick walking to the lion’s den, or in this case, a really fancy hotel in NYC. He looks like he’s about to shit his pants.

Tanner is making a name for himself by interrogating Nick, which subliminally means he’s campaigning for the 2016 Presidential election. It wouldn’t make sense otherwise.

Guy poll: how many times have you been fighting with another guy to win over the heart of a girl and got more caught up in whether she’s an amazing woman or cool chick? Joshua puts forward what’s real in life.

Time for the cocktail party and rose ceremony which takes place at a baseball stadium in what looks like -10° weather. Smart.

JJ runs around the bases with Kaitlyn in his arms which is something he should be doing with his child. That didn’t look fun.

At early Rose Ceremony time, which is apparently something we need to start getting used to, Chris Harrison appears out of nowhere and we say goodbye to Jonathon (who was kind of a baby), Corey, and Ryan (whose named I just learned).

Off to San Antonio! (will there ever be a time in Bachelor/ette history where we say, “Off to Cleveland?!”)

I make another observation about Nick, this time it’s not-so-friendly. He is wearing a Fitbit. As a fellow contestant, I would feel as if he’s rubbing in my face all the steps, stomps, he’s taking on my heart by taking over the show. Ugh.

ONE-ON-ONE

With Ben H. “H” is for HAWT. He gets cuter and cuter by the episode. The date is to two-step which is so stereotypical of Texas, but hey, ABC, it’s your show not mine.

The 1,000 year-old lady at the date wins the show. Overall, Ben H. does an excellent job. He says filler “likes” a bit much, but I get it. Nerves.

GROUP DATE

Another stereotypical activity: Mariachi.

Dear God, please do not let these white boys and Ian offend the Hispanic culture. I beg of you.

Joe has anxiety attacks on every group date because he’s not good at singing or dancing or anything for that matter.

As the guys begin to sing their Mariachi songs, I am vicariously commentating through Kaitlyn. She says everything right.

Rule #1 of Mariachi, Nick. Do not use the word “erection.”

We don’t really know who wins (if a winner could even exist from that) and we move on to the drinks portion of the group date. It goes awry, when Joshua thinks it’d be romantic to let Kaitlyn give him a haircut.

Joshua, as a welder, probably does not spend much time with women (not saying women can’t be welders, we’d be excellent welders) so I pray to the false prophet Chris Harrison about his “romantic” decisions.

Do you ever notice when Kaitlyn enters a room, everyone stands up robotically, until she sits down. What is she? A priest at mass?

The rest of the group date gets awkward as Joshua can’t stop speaking and Nick gets a rose because she feels bad for him. Boo freaking hoo.

SECOND ONE-ON-ONE

With Shawn. God Bless America.

A date that includes shirts off? Yes, please.

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It has been noted that he’s the first to say he’s “falling in love” AND BASED OFF OF THE LATEST SNAPCHAT SCANDAL, I believe him.

He’s dreamy, open to having real conversations, and dreamy. I wish I could have been on that one-on-one.

Here comes the part where everyone who watches this show wants to rip off a penis. YEAH IAN, WE’RE TALKING ABOUT YOU, YA ASSHOLE.

Ian, who is incredibly sensitive and insensitive at the same time starts ranting about how Kaitlyn must not like him because he takes Mariachi way too seriously.

To quote directly: “Who I am, is a catch.”

Who you are, is a complete dick, Ian.

“I should be the next Bachelor.”

UM NO.

But here’s the good part.

When he actually confronts Kaitlyn, he says that the other guys think poop and farts are funny and if she finds that attractive, then she’s a moron.

IF POOP AND FARTS DON’T MAKE YOU LAUGH, IAN, THEN FUCK OFF.

I guarantee that the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge (my pals Will & Kate) have laughed at a toot or a shit once before.

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Rant to be continued…

The Bachelorette– Episode 4

Clint’s demise is upon us.

Oooh, this guy’s good. I’d fall for it for sure.

JJ comes in with the twist demanding an apology from Clint to everyone in the house. Nothing like a man getting even more de-balled on this show.

I wish Kaitlyn’s curls would keep up. It makes me sad. Hair sad.

JJ is crying (sobbing uncontrollably) about breaking up his bromance, and also don’t forget he’s a dad. I’d be ashamed if I were his daughter.

Rrrrrose ceremonyyyyy.

No rrrrose ceremonyyyy.

There’s no way you have a connection with all of these guys, Kaitlyn. You could have easily sent 5 of them home.

The gang travels to New York (my best and only attempt at an IASIP reference)

FIRST GROUP DATE

Jonathon’s confessional outfit is that of a Making the Band hopeful. #RIPMakingtheBand

Kaitlyn takes the guys on a hip hop date. God, I love her. Twinning.

Nothing makes me more uncomfortable than white guys (and Jonathon) having a rap battle.

I’m sorry JJ. I love show tunes just as much as the next gal, but you’ve never listened to rap or hip hop once? If that was the first thing I knew about you, you would have been gone week one.

HEY STALKER NICK IN THE RAP BATTLE AUDIENCE. PSYCHO ASS.

I was Nick’s number one fan on Andi’s season, but now he’s kinda lame and desperate and I think is endowed with a vagina. Still hot though.

And they kiss. That’s why I always found him so attractive. He looks like a fantastic kisser.

Tanner is upset. And the campaign manager against Nick Viall.

“Good luck with your hair.”

What a sweet and slightly demonic appearance by Ashley S. Hey girl.

I can’t believe she’s letting Nick on the show. Ugh.

ONE-ON-ONE

Jared. Who is just growing on me with his cuteness. And cleans up damn well.

How does one get The Met all to one’s self?

SWOON. JARED. SWOON.

SECOND GROUP DATE

Broadway. EEEEP. ALADDIN. YESSSSSS.

This group date is also making me uncomfortable.

Chris Cupcake wins the date and gets to undeservingly be on Broadway.

Where’s Nick? Oh, you mean he didn’t buy a ticket to Aladdin to creep in the audience?

Cupcake is cute. Really touchy feely, but cute.

This episode is frankly quite boring. No one is saying or doing anything stupid!

And there’s some more suspense! Yeah!

The Bachelorette– Episode 3

…Oh hey, Kupah. You’re still here and clearly not getting the hint??

Tony just told the world he’s a gypsy soul, so now we can move on from questioning him.

Daniel and Cory go home at the beginning rose ceremony and Kaitlyn won’t stop crying, which is and isn’t a Nell thing to do right now. I can’t be sure.

FIRST GROUP DATE

The guys are awoken by a gong and two giant Asian men. How I start every morning.

Wait, don’t tell me. The group date is a sumo date. I couldn’t tell.

JJ makes remarks about Tony’s ass so you know these gay shower scene previews we’ve been seeing and hearing about are no joke. Also, Tony sumo’ed (?) in sunglasses. And is yelling at Kaitlyn about boat rides and sky diving, ALL IN A DIAPER.

Is it me or does Tony look and sound exactly like Tom Brady (not in a good way)?

Now there’s a sumo exhibition. Ugh. Lamesauce if I ever saw it. Tony decides to hang back and talk about animal noises and what an unfortunate waste of a good body because this guy is a WEIRDO. Goodbye, Tony. For forever on national television, hopefully.

Why is Shawn so passive? Clint also is Jekyll and Hyde, I’m thinking. So odd. Everything is SO ODD so far on this episode.

CLINT, YOU DICK. YOU’RE THERE FOR KAITLYN. SHE IS NOT THERE FOR YOU.

ONE-ON-ONE

Ben Z. Owwwww Owwwwwwwwwwww.

It’s a date with Chris Harrison?!

I would take that. No joke.

ABC redeems itself with an amazing one-on-one mystery, scary movie-esque, SAW-esque date. I hope Ben is kind of smart? I mean, football player. Legit question.

This date is um, dangerous. I’ve seen 12 things so far that would make me cry on impact. THEY WIN THEY WIN.

I’m legit going to be mad at Ben Z. if he cries on this show at some point and didn’t cry the day his mom died? That would be PREPOSTEROUS.

NEXT GROUP DATE

We goin’ back to school. The guys get to teach. Sex ed. Incredible. Nothing like learning about sex and puberty from guys who are barely grown up 🙂

OH GOD IT’S JJ AND CLINT TIME. Is this ABC’s way of telling us the next Bachelor will be a gay season? Please, please?!

HOW DO THESE CHILDREN KNOW ABOUT BASES?! Oh good, they’re actors. But still. They’ve got to be like what, 12?!

If Ben H. were my teacher, I’d be caught in a Mary Kay LeTourneau situation. Rawr. She’s married now and it’s not a scandal anymore, so SH. Don’t judge me.

Jared’s getting hotter by the second. Totally underestimated you, buddy. Until you shaved your hot beard for the rose ceremony. GROW THAT BACK.

WHAT THE FUCK, CLINT?! You are A TURD FERGUSON. Clint has got to be an actor, right? Like ABC is fucking with us.

To be continued…

NICK IS BACK.