The Bachelorette– Finale

I really enjoy this teaser scene when Kaitlyn tells her family Nick and Shawn hate each other and they gasp as if she just told her family Nick and Shawn are gay together.

Ugh, I try and forget each finale that we do this “live” thing.

We leave Utah (which apparently was just neutral ground for everyone???) and head back to…Los Angeles? No tropical island in the budget this season, ABC? So many question marks.

Nick is the first victim of Kaitlyn’s family.

Before Nick finds out Kaitlyn told her family they had sex: “I’m not really nervous.”

ace-ventura-laugh-o

After Nick finds out Kaitlyn told her family they had sex: “Now I’m worried.”

Maybe you would have thought twice before you offered up your penis Nicholas.

The family is sitting on the world’s closest-to-the-floor couches ever.

Nick, tell us about your last serious relationship. “My last serious relationship was with the last Bachelorette because my life is not real.”

NICK CRYING IS MAKING ME SO UNCOMFORTABLE THAT I’M CRYING.

Shawn’s turn.

He is being way more of a man than Nick. AND HE DIDN’T EVEN HAVE TO CRY.

SISTER AIN’T AFRAID TO SAY SHE’S #TEAMSHAWN.
I AIN’T AFRAID TO SAY HER HAIR COLOR NEEDS TO GO.

Last Dates

Nick and Kaitlyn are so boring on this boat that the only thing I’m thinking of is a nautical themed pashmina afghan.

**I’m not sorry that the song is now stuck in your head**

So many stripes on this evening’s date.

Nick: “I have a gift. It’s in my bedroom.” FACE PALM
Okay, the gift was cute. But don’t tell anyone I said that.

Welp. This date with Shawn is going awkwardly.

The voice, Kaitlyn. Listen to Shawn’s velvety chocolatey voice and everything will be okay.

Shawn’s gift was cuter. The end. A MEMORY JAR?! Come on. So good. I’m sure Nick thought of something similar BUT WAIT YOU CAN’T PUT SEX IN A MEMORY JAR.

Proposal Day

Nick’s first mistake of the proposal day was not waking up without a shirt and not going outside shirtless and not drinking out of a mug shirtless.

Neil Lane does not care about your life story, Nick. He is here because ABC paid him a fat wad.

I actually kind of like that the proposal is back at the Bachelor Mansion. Takes you back to your roots, you know? Like instead of riding off into the sunset on elephants. I’m looking at you, Sean and Catherine.

NICK’S FAMILY IN THE FRONT ROW OF THE LIVE SHOW. BELLA THIS SHOW IS NOT AGE APPROPRIATE FOR YOU AND I DON’T CARE HOW MANY TIMES YOUR BROTHER HAS BEEN ON IT.

Nick is first which always means elimination…
Right? RIGHT?!

He just flipped the motha fuckin switch on a bitch. It’s like that scene in Wedding Crashers:

I knew it folks…

THE SNAPCHAT DON’T LIE!! Great work, Shawn.

Back to the awkward live show…

NICK’S FAMILY IN THE FRONT ROW NOT APPLAUDING.

Nick uses the word “right” as a filler and it’s infuriating, right? 😉

Nick, Shawn. Shawn, Nick.

What do ya say, Nick? Who’s up for the next season of The Bachelorette? I know who. NOT YOU.

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The Bachelorette- The Men Tell All

Can I just say that we need to stop inviting all the men from the season onto this episode? I got an overdose of Ian, Corey, Tanner, and other “lames” (Ian’s words, not mine) and an underdose of Cupcake, Joe, Jared, Ben H., and Clint (yes, Clint).

I don’t have words for Ian. The down-on-your-knees approach to apologizing to the world for being a complete toolbox was pretty humiliating. I think you’re a freaking phony, Ian.

Then we get hit with the Bachelor in Paradise trailer, which by all means, please continue to torture us, ABC. Oh yes, I’ll be blogging about Bachelor in Paradise. Who can ignore that many tears? Not I. And, I still hate Clare.

Ryan M., ya know the guy that got shitfaced on night one of this season, decided to grow out his bangs. Another horrible life decision. So glad Kaitlyn commented on the new ‘do.

First person to speak is Tanner. No surprise there. He’s still an advocate for everything morally sound in Bachelor Universe. But go Tanner for calling Ian a turd burglar… in so many words or less.

HEYYYYYY BEN H. Googly eyes and drooling at him every time we see his face on camera.

Raise your hand if you still think Clint is hot.
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Raise your hand if contestants look better with a beard.
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Raise your hand if this quote by JJ about his friendship with Clint wasn’t intended to be sexual: “There was a lot of meat to that for me.”
136-face-with-no-good-gesture

Kupah, your opinions don’t matter.

JJ gets in the hot seat. It was meh.

Ben Z. gets in the hot seat. Sad. Still hasn’t cried in 12 years. Which makes me want to cry.

Jared gets in the hot seat. An angel. A true gentleman. Who thankfully shaved his atrocious, pubey beard.

Ben H. gets in the hot seat. UGH don’t get me started. I’ll write you millions of love letters. It’ll be good. You’ll write be back. We’ll have a whole thing going.

Enter Kaitlyn.

We immediately start off with all the negative feedback my girl has received since becoming the Bachelorette. I’m applauding Chris Harrison and ABC for reading these negative, hurtful (understatement) tweets out loud to Kaitlyn and the audience. All the male and female assholes of the world need to learn to cool their jets on social media. I’ll never understand why people will call Kaitlyn a whore, but still watch the show. You’re all morons. Kaitlyn, you kick ass.

Ian is getting up again. Only to get back on his knees, cramp up, and then stand awkwardly in front of Kaitlyn to apologize to her. Whatever dude, if this is the last we have to see of you on television then just get it all out now.

Is it me or do the blooper reels on these shows keep getting worse and worse? There’s got to be way more footage and less Bachelor in Paradise to show, right?!

Finale next week… AH! Shawn or Nick, peeps?

Say it With Your Chest

I don’t normally write blog posts like this, but last night’s ESPY’s have me feeling some type of way, which piggybacked onto feeling some type of way about how people handle themselves on social media, realizing…I HAVE SOME STUFF TO GET OFF MY CHEST.

One of my many endearing qualities is the enjoyment I get out of proving people wrong and putting them in their place and today, I’m really feeling it. I hope that many of you can relate and laugh along with me. If you don’t and can’t, I’m positive your name is Felicia and there’s a little “x” button at the top of your browser that you can see your way out of.

26550298The reason I don’t care about politics or next year’s election is because that one guy with all the opinions on social media ruins it for me.

I’ve never been super involved in politics. Maybe I should be, maybe I should start caring, but I’ve never really enjoyed leaders of the world and our country lie and embellish important topics through their newly-whitened teeth. It’s not a beat I want to get down to. *For those of you who feel the exact same way, I recommend subscribing to The Skimm. You can still be caught up on what’s happening in our country and get the shortened, much less opinionated versions of it.* What makes this process even more irritating for me, is the people who constantly share their thoughts about the upcoming election and its potential candidates (which, mind you, is more than a year away) on social media. Seventeen times a day. If you’re trying to rally people to like and share your status updates and believe the same things you do because you’re shoving them down their metaphorical newsfeed throats, it’s not going to work, Jack. Stand up for what you believe in, but not at the expense of ruining the daily glory that is my Facebook newsfeed. The last thing I need are your opinions on abortion and fracking, while I’m trying to find out what Disney movie will be next in the live-action sequence.

It’s fine if you personally do not and will not support the LGBT community. It’s NOT FINE to say they’re not courageous.

Think of the most courageous thing you’ve ever done in your life. I don’t know what you’re thinking because I’m not a mind reader and I’m not going to try and discount those moments, but. If you find yourself thinking that the most courageous thing you’ve done is the Cinnamon Challenge, then you’re probably the same toolbox who shares with everyone you know, including those LGBT, that being a person of that community is not courageous. I’m not a spokesperson for the LGBT community, but I can tell you that I support anyone who has the strength to be his or her own true selves. Those who can’t understand this might have the luxury of never having to deal with insecurities or have been bullied. But, do those kinds of people exist? If you’ve never had an insecurity in your life then I grant you permission to let me have it, but I can’t imagine that’s true. There’s a little story I heard once that resonates with me to this day. It’s so simple, yet so powerful and I think everyone can learn from it:

A college professor teaching a sociology class for the first time, wanted to make an impact on students’ lives. When they all sat down in their seats, the professor did not speak. He just held up a book. After a few minutes he asked the class, “What color is this book?” The class responded in unison, “black.” He looked at them, confused, and argued that the book was not black. “I’ll ask you all again. What color is this book?” Once again, the overwhelming response was that the book was black. Then, the professor turned the book around to reveal to his class that his side of the book was not black. It was red. “The lesson today, class, is not to judge a book by its cover. In fact, the bigger lesson here is not to assume things about someone or something until you’ve seen it from their point of view.”

Last night at the ESPY’s (the one sports award show of the year), Caitlyn Jenner was awarded the Arthur Ashe Courage Award. Her speech was beautiful and moving, and you could see how the heartbreak from all those years of not living her true self had cracked her. Listening to her speak may or may not change your mind on these tolerance issues, but if you consider yourself any bit courageous, you’ll step out of your comfort zone and watch.

That wasn’t so bad, was it? I feel great about it, that’s for sure 😉

Now, you have permission to look forward to next week’s Bachelorette blog.

The Bachelorette– Episode 9

Dramz in da hotel! I don’t know why, but R. Kelly’s “Hotel” is playing on a loop in my head during this entire scene with Shawn talking at Nick.

I have no idea what was just accomplished.

And yet, we’re still in Ireland. Ireland is just an innocent bystander housing the dramz that is The Bachelorette.

NEXT ONE-ON-ONE OVERNIGHT

Ben Handsome 🙂

FOR THE RECORD: I’ve hated every sweater I’ve ever seen a man wear on this show’s franchise.

“These donkeys have some sick haircuts.” Line of the night, 5 mins in, by Ben, being chased by donkeys. #Ireland

“The day did not feel like real life. It felt like a fairy tale.” Well, Kaitlyn. This describes itself. I don’t think you’ll be back in an Ireland castle once this whole shebang is over.

SO MANY SWEATERS.

CAN I JUST SAY. Ben is super romantic for a 26 year old. I have so many thoughts on this considering we’re the same age. Thought #1 being, I literally have never heard anyone our age say the things Ben says or do the things Ben does. Good job raising him, parents of Ben.

FINAL ONE-ON-ONE OVERNIGHT

Finally Shawn gets his turn. He compares love to golf which is different.

The naked golf streaking. That. is. all.

CALLING YOU OUT, Chris Harrison. You do not write these “shouldyouchoosetoforgoyourindividualroom” cards. Take it from someone who has a lot of different handwritings. You’re not fooling us.

Nothing earth-shattering happens on any one of these overnight dates. So, we move on.

Rose ceremony time and I’m scared but also pleased that Nick’s beard is coming into its own.

This is the first time Kaitlyn has worn red this season and it’s amazing. Girl that is yo coluh.

We say goodbye to Ben HandsomeHotHumbleHiggins. You win all our hearts. You go, Ben Higgins.

So I guess Kaitlyn does not want happiness, because she clearly stated, “If I chose Ben it would be a lifetime of happiness.”

After Kaitlyn, Shawn, and Nick toast to being the final two and Kaitlyn leaves the room, we watch Nick and Shawn do light aerobics and light outfit adjusting. Honestly so awkward for everyone watching. There is a door, gentlemen. Please feel free to EXIT.

HOMETOWNS

But not really hometowns, because we’re not in Wisconsin or Connecticut. ABC is going all sorts of left with this season.

Actual pitch in the boardroom, by an idiot: “Hey, everyone, when we get to hometowns, let’s really switch it up for Kaitlyn by actually not taking her to anyone’s hometown.” Whoever approved that decision should be executed.

Nick goes first.

Nick, your beard makes things a bit more convincing. Good decision making there.

I don’t blame Nick for wanting attention. I mean the guy has 10 siblings.

One thing I do love about Nick (besides this new beard of course) is the way he is around his family.

Shawn is next.

His family is fine, and he finally tells Kaitlyn he loves her. His voice is so hot, he could have told Kaitlyn he loves taking baths while wearing his sisters’ nightgowns and she would have been drooling.

CANNOT WAIT for next week’s Men Tell All!

The Bachelorette– Episode 8

“Everything is about to change,” said Chris Harrison, profoundly.

Why are we still in Ireland? Don’t they usually travel to every random foreign country on the map?

ONE-ON-ONE

Ben Hawt. His real last name is irrelevant at this point.

I’ve always wanted a man to steer me around in a canoe.

Also- he wants to play hide and seek. ANYONE who knows me knows I’m always trying to play a game. I love this, Ben.

Ben “H”awt, Ben “H”ide and Seek, Ben “H”oly Cow You’re Amazing, BEN “H”USBAND. THAT’S WHAT THE “H” IS.

He’s making me cry. I know he’s a software salesman and all, but damn. He is not boring.

BEN “H”OLD ON. VIRGIN?! No. Thank God.

GROUP DATE

Shawn, Nick, Joe.

Whenever Nick comes on-screen I just wish he had the beard he’s been rocking lately.

Hello, sir.
Hello, sir.

How cute is Joe? With his puffy vest, southern accent, and Wreck-it Ralph similarities.

I’m so uncomfortable right now.

How not cute is Joe? With his puffy vest, southern accent with a mean tone, and Wreck-it Ralph, oh my God, is he going to wreck everything? Bye, buddy. (hope you find your dad)

Shit’s about to get even more uncomfortable.

SHOCKED the world didn’t explode at precisely this moment when Shawn finds out Kaitlyn and Nick had sex. It’s also not fun news to hear when you’re wearing a pink shirt and tight dress pants. Then it’s just downright humiliating.

“I’m so tense right now I can’t even piss.”

That’s actually valid, Shawn. When I’m upset I can’t pee. I’m dead serious.

STRAIGHT TO THE ROSE CEREMONY, EH?

JARED 😦 Honestly what a catch.

ONE-ON-ONE FANTASY SUITE

Nick. Blah.

Again, I’m not even listening to anything he’s saying and just wishing he had a beard.

Nick, you’re such a puss and now you have all this random info on Shawn? If he never talks to you and no one else has had a problem with Shawn, then how do you know this? You’re a tattletale and annoying, Nick. The only thing keeping you breathing is knowing that you’re here? GET REAL. Rant over.

You think she might have taken Shawn or Ben on the first fantasy suite night considering, oh, she already HAD SEX WITH NICK.

Every time this show comes back from commercial, I feel like I accidentally flipped the channel to Titanic.

Shawn called Nick “the other guy” or “him” 15 times this episode. Thanks Aly Houdek, for making me count 😉

The episode ends with Shawn confronting Nick and we’re left with a horrible TO BE CONTINUED… because sure.