Everyone loves a good people story, right? I wish every day came with a people story worthy of sharing. For those of you who aren’t sure what a “people story” is, it’s a story that comes from witnessing the strangest, most ridiculous behaviors of people in the real world and telling it with the most judgmental tone you’ve ever had the nerve of working up. This weekend was a true people story weekend. I just couldn’t resist sharing.
Friday, November 6: Quicken Loans Arena
First Cavs game of the season for me so I was high on life. Shoutout to Kelly for allowing mother and I access to her law firm’s suite. We had a blast with everyone there and the Cavs won, but the real show started when our suite neighbors got to their seats. Stuffy men in suits, who so clearly take shit like this for granted, were on their phones the entire time. Oh wait, my mistake. One of them was on his phone the entire time UNTIL HE STARTED PICKING HIS NOSE LIKE THE HOLY GRAIL WAS HOUSED IN HIS NOSTRILS. Not only was this guy going after the mother of all boogs, he was rolling them in his fingers and FLICKING THEM. The most hilarious part of this was that, um hello, the suite windows are indeed, windows, meaning transparent. It was so hard for all of us not to just stare at this guy so shamelessly being disgusting. The man in front of him was asleep (yes, at a Cavs game) and was seemingly just target practice. I can’t help but laugh thinking about it. *Booger Picker was also wearing a wedding ring, so if this sounds like your husband, FIGURE THAT SHIT OUT PLEASE.
Saturday, November 7: Express
First clothing exchange of the day. It really got Angela (my mother) heated up, which is always fun to witness. My mom had used coupons on her previous purchase of two sweaters and was told earlier that week that if she exchanged them for size, she wouldn’t lose the coupons. Girl at the register that day must not have been aware of said policy and was now an innocent victim of the Calanni evil eyes. First time she tries exchanging the sweaters, all hell breaks loose because she can’t seem to figure out how to re-apply the coupons. Manager comes over, explains how to do it, and we’re ready to just exchange the damn sweaters and get out of there. On try #2, the girl tries telling my mother that she owes a difference. You’re probably asking yourself, if it’s an even exchange, why would your poor mother owe a difference? BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T. Girl looks confused again. Third time’s a charm and the sweaters are exchanged. Angela walks away happy and I am so glad I don’t work in retail anymore.
Saturday, November 7: COSTCO
I have to just blanket statement this story with, I already hate you if you go to the grocery store unprepared. Grocery lists have existed since cavemen could write on rocks, okay? USE THEM. I was at the Costo at Avon Commons this past Saturday with my mom, who knows her way around Costco like it’s nobody’s business. You sort of expect the grocery store to be a nightmare on the weekends because kids aren’t in school and most everyone does their grocery shopping on Saturdays and Sundays, but when I say that this Saturday was out-of-control, I mean it was “Dollar Rolling Johnny” out-of-control. Like, you think it might be an okay idea, but in-turn you end up asking yourself, “what the hell am I getting myself into?”
I accompanied my mother to Costco for one sole reason– the free samples. She was on a mission to get a bouquet of flowers and lettuce (just let her be, it’s the way she works). We grab a gigantic grocery cart from the outside of the store (why, I don’t know because again, flowers and lettuce) and make our way into the zoo that is Costco. It must be convenient to have five children all under the age of 10 because they can fit inside the giant grocery carts, but that’s not the point, guys. It makes your carts harder to push and in-turn, you’re moving so much slower. I said out loud, almost immediately upon walking in, “I feel like I’m in the Walking Dead, except all of the zombies are driving gigantic grocery carts full of children directly at me.” I love children. But I don’t love children in grocery carts.
So, we’re making our way down the necessary aisles, stopping at each free sample station, naturally. The first Sample Lady was definitely feeling some type of way about all the commotion going on because when I reached for the sample (some nasty vanilla protein mix drink, immediately regretted), she started WHISPERING the description of the sample as I was walking away. I’m sorry, but I didn’t snatch a sample so I could converse with you, Sample Lady. And I can’t hear you because you’re whispering like that Asian girl from Pitch Perfect and you’re making me feel rude because I’m completely ignoring you describe vanilla protein powder as I’m sprinting away, trying to dodge massive grocery carts coming in every direction. Here’s the best part about this people story. PEOPLE LEAVING SAID GIGANTIC GROCERY CARTS in the middle of the store while they go fetch samples. Some man literally congratulated another man out loud for his proper maneuvering skills with a cart. That’s not something to be proud of– that’s just called being a normal ass human at the grocery store!
Mom and I couldn’t handle it anymore. The flowers were not up to Angela Calanni standard, the samples weren’t even worth the trip, and it made me appreciate the last time we had gone to Costco together when some man (and I’m not exaggerating) rounded the corner of an aisle only to let loose the most wet, disgusting belch, right as my mother and I were also rounding the corner.
Saturday, November 7: KOHL’S
What does one do if they’re at Avon Commons on a Saturday and haven’t killed themselves yet? Attempt to do more shopping. Mom and I headed to Kohl’s after Costco because we must have been in the mood to be tortured. All we were trying to do was exchange some sweatpants. Same pants. Just needed a different size. We head to customer service, or as I fondly reminisce about it, hell. Lady rings up the pants as more expensive than they actually were. Mom goes, “no,” and she rings a lady out on the floor to go check the price. Lady says the price customer service is giving us is the right price.
Because I love proving people wrong, I went to go look for myself. Low and behold, the price of the pants was the price my mom said it was because, oh, we SAW THE SIGN WITH OUR ACTUAL EYEBALLS. I was feeling feisty enough to even take a picture and bring it back to customer service. I love being right as much as my mother loves a smooth retail transaction, and while the situation was incredibly irritating, we came out with a victory. Because I measure victories in making other people feel stupid.