ABC must be playing a joke on us right, or they’re really desperate for ratings? My eyes do not deceive me when I see two former Bachelor contestants on Ben’s upcoming season, right?! Wrong. And I’m pissed.
Off we go.
1. Becca Tilley, 26
She was the virgin on Chris Soules’ season who didn’t cry. In fact, she had zero emotions throughout the entire thing. When she got dumped as the runner-up, she didn’t even care. She just drove off in that awkward, velvet dress she was wearing and said fuck it, I’m just going to do this again next season. I’m sorry- but UNFAIR comes to mind. Pretty sure you had an opportunity to meet Ben off the show. If he didn’t want to marry you then, why would he want to marry you now? Child, please.
2. Amber James, 30
YET ANOTHER CONTESTANT FROM A PAST SEASON. I barely remember which one it was by the way, because she was that uninteresting so I won’t even bother yelling at her for ripping away some innocent girl’s chances of coming on this show.
3. Jami, 23
I’m hoping she pronounces her name like “Jamie” and not like “pajami.” I understand that’s not a real word, but this is also no way to spell a real name. Short “A”/ Long “A,” who can tell? However, great face.
4. Maegan, 30
Her occupation is “cowgirl.” She’s from Texas. And how many of these have existed over the 20+ season Bachelor run? Ugh, get a new hobby.
5. Lace, 25
I’m sorry, “LACE” ?!?! Not Lacy, just Lace? As in “shoe?” She’s from Denver, which is where Ben lives which clearly means she hasn’t tried hard enough in the past. Also, she reminds me of Anne Hathaway and just no.
6. Shushanna, 27
Well ain’t that a mouthful. Supposedly she’s a mathematician. I didn’t even know that existed. Like, is that just someone who likes/is good at doing math? I’m better with words, so clearly this girl and I need to be friends so she can help a sista out.
7. Amanda S., 25
From California? You don’t say! The effortless bleach blonde hair didn’t give it away. She’s cute. I’ll give her that. But I’m pretty sure I’ve seen her working at Hollister several times over the course of my life.
8. Jessica, 23
Hard pass. What is this, amateur hour?
9. Joelle, aka “Jo Jo,” 24
She’s from Dallas, ya know, where a cutesy nickname like Jo Jo is written on your birth certificate in parentheses. Further thoughts: White pants are always a bad choice and the only Jo Jo I respect is this one.
10. Jubilee, 24
Why must you be a war veteran? There’s no way I’ll feel good about myself making fun of your stupid name now. I’ll have whatever you’re having for breakfast though, plus some of your extra sass thrown in, gurl.
11. Haley, 22
Stop. Her occupation listed is, “TWIN.” This better change come limo-stepping-out-of time. I’m hungry just looking at you, Haley. Mmmmbye.
12. Emily, 22
Oh you guessed it. TWIN #2. The first one is the prettier one. Oops, I said it. But she’s been a twin for 22 years. I’m sure she’s heard it before, settle down. I like that ABC thinks we’ll be less confused if they’re facing a different way in their headshots. *face palm*
13. Tiara, 26
AS IN “TODDLERS AND?” Come onnnnn with these names. If Ben gets down on one knee at the end and proposes to TIARA, will he give her a crown instead of a ring? Also, if you weren’t already turned on, her occupation is CHICKEN ENTHUSIAST. Who lets these people on the show?!
14. Lauren Barr, aka “LB”
AS IN “UNIT OF MEASUREMENT?!” I can’t help myself. I can’t stop going there with my mind. However, this chick LB is cute and goes for the deep v, which I can always appreciate in a woman. I can feel a sass a comin!
15. Caila, 23
Chicka chicka what, chicka reppin the CLE! Looks super cute, spunky, and does what Ben does. Wins for everyone.
16. Samantha, 26
Alright, I see you, Samantha. But if you scrunch up your face like that when you smile, it leads me to believe you have an equally annoying facial expression and unattractive noise that leaves your mouth when you laugh. I hope I’m wrong.
17. Breanne, 30
18. Lauren H., 25
While your hair is too big for your head, I can appreciate the Midwest roots and the Kindergarten teaching talents.
19. Isabel, aka “Izzy,” 24
Is it just me or is Izzy looking to kick someone’s ass? Watch out Ben. You won’t be able to get away with wearing girly wool sweaters around this one, this season.
20. Jacqueline, aka “Jackie,” 23
Why don’t people just stick to their nicknames on this show? Last time I checked you didn’t need to provide your official name and social security to the viewers at home. Enough of this “aka” nonsense. Jackie’s got a cute little nerd vibe to her, which you can never have too much of on a show like this.
21. Olivia, 23
Does not look like a natural blonde to me. Anyone else sensing she’s hiding something?
22. Rachel, 23
Unemployed and behind-the-times in thinking that super thin eyebrows are a thing. They’re not, and find a damn job.
23. Lauren B., 25
So many Laurens. A flight attendant who looks like she has no idea where any destination is on a map. Not impressed.
24. Leah, 25
Brow game strong. From Denver. Event Planner. That’s about all I got for Leah.
25. Jennifer, 25
Cold vamp vibes all around from Jennifer. Also looks like she’s never taken a posed photo in her life. I definitely do not trust people from Florida who don’t have a tan, either. Sorry Jennifer, you lose.
26. Laura, 24
This top makes her look like she’s wearing a chain skirt knights used to wear under their suit of armor. Too much? Don’t care.
27. Lauren R., 26
So SO many Laurens. Have fun with that one, Ben. She’s a math teacher, but I’m thinking we find out she used to be a porn star and then somehow fell back on math. It’s the cruel imagination I have that I never apologize for.
28. Amanda K., aka “Mandi,” 28
A dentist who smiles like that? No way. A dentist who goes by Mandi? Definitely no way. Also- what is this large gap between her boobs? I recommend bangs. Poor Mandi needs a re-do.
There you have it, folks. Let the countdown to January 4 begin!