The Bachelor- Episode 4

Bear with me on this one. It was not the most eventful episode. In fact it made me question ever watching the show again. But that would mean that I’d be lying to myself.

Vegas Baby!

Waiting for Leslie Chow to come out and kill some bitches. If you don’t know who Leslie Chow is, shame on you, bittchhheesssss.

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ONE-ON-ONE

JoJo. Still haven’t forgiven you for your lack of geographical skills, so. I also question from time to time whether JoJo should give bangs a try.

[The twins are stoked that they’re from Vegas, yet no one seems to care.]

Wait. Ben and JoJo get to go on a helicopter?! GET OUT OF TOWN. This only happens every episode.

Cue the weirdest scenario ever. The helicopter blows away the champagne table and then JoJo and Ben start kissing behind it? Not really romantic considering your faces could have just gotten tore up, but hey. Get the moments in where you can.

Ben staring at JoJo on this date is making my neck hurt.

Then they gawk at fireworks… lol. Like what was this date?

GROUP DATE

Mental note: Amber really loves that jean jacket.

Oh Christ, these girls have to do a talent show.

“Ladies, raise your hand if you have a talent.”

No hands risen.

The twins Irish dance. So good for them.

Jubilee plays the cello. Real and wonderful.

We have jugglers, hula hoopers, belly dancers, chickens…

…And then Olivia. Who thinks this is a strip show. I feel really super embarrassed for this chick. Like her master plan was to dance terribly? She might have ruined these miserable talent show group dates for seasons to come.

Then she goes and has a panic attack. What happens in Vegas, stays on my DVR Olivia. Duh.

It’s okay Olivia. It’s not like you have fugly toes or cankles or anything…

These stills on Olivia just biting her finger make me want to throw up. And your romper tonight sucks, boo boo. I AM ANTI-OLIVIA, PEOPLE.

And here she comes creeping in to interrupt more conversations because she talks herself in insecure circles. Ben smells the stage 5-ness.

Lauren B. gets the group date rose and Olivia is one second away from ripping off her maternity romper.

ONE-ON-ONE

Becca. Who I still don’t get the hype on. She talks like she has peanut butter on the roof of her mouth. Name that movie. 😉

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A wedding dress arrives before she goes on the date. Everyone is jealous.

Jubilee starts throwing shade at Becca’s virginity which makes my day because this episode sucks so far.

They’re gonna marry people in Vegas! Which is actually pretty baller.

But I’d be pissed to look back on this memory, tarnished by the Bachelor franchise that has so beautifully ruined all of our lives.

Ben then takes Becca to the famous neon museum and she’s confused. I mean… kill me now. This is starting to be the longest two hours of my life.

Then in a crazy turn of events, Ben takes the unbearable twins on a two-on-one date. Is it possible they both get eliminated or is Santa still “off” until the next holiday season?

He takes them home. Literally. To their mom. Ha, and hopefully leaves them there.

Haley has pictures of her and her ex-boyfriend in her bedroom so that’s awkward.

Needless to say, she gets eliminated.

COCKTAIL PARTY/ROSE CEREMONY

There goes Olivia again. Oy to the vey.

Now I feel sorry for those who have to watch her on the news.

She dropped the L word, too, oh snap!

WERE YOU NOT YOURSELF THIS WEEK OLIVIA IT DIDN’T SOUND CLEAR.

Goodbye to Amber and Rachel, but once again Olivia gets the last rose. Interesting Ben, interesting.

Amber proceeds to go and cry in the unlit area of pool chairs which is sad and hilarious. Please learn your lesson and never come on a Bachelor-related show again, Amber.

 

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The Bachelor- Episode 3

A day late because my priorities are in this order:

  1. Watch the Cavs get crushed and embarrassed by the Warriors
  2. Vanderpump Rules
  3. Ben Higgins

Apparently Olivia spent $40,000 on clothes before she came on the show. Have you ever heard of Sallie Mae? You must have. I’m sure you two are best friends right about now.

ONE-ON-ONE

Lauren B., who says, “so,” and “really,” and “a lot,” A LOT.

She’s a flight attendant and guess what her date is? To fly in a plane! But guess who’s scared to fly in a plane? Lauren B., the flight attendant?!?!

Harrison Ford isn’t flying the plane, Lauren B., so relax.

Ben and Lauren B. fly on said plane for a bit and then land in a random field that bares one lonely hot tub. What’s with the hot tubs on this show? Is someone’s death wish scabies-by-hot tub? Ben asks the typical question of, “so, like, did you have fun on the plane?” Lauren B. answers, “I thought I’d be so much more scared than I was!” OMGYOUREAFLIGHTATTENDANT.

We get some little breaks on this terribly boring hot tub date to see what’s going on back at the Bachelor Mansion. Caila is crying, no hysterically crying, because she didn’t realize that breaking up with a real-life boyfriend for someone on television would be hard.

Rachel, Unemployed, is sad that she hasn’t gotten a date card.

Meanwhile, Ben and Lauren B. are now at dinner and I mean, they have normal conversation. I think I’d be friends with Lauren B. in real life unless she told me lies like she was scared to fly on planes.

GROUP DATE

Soccer…

Fine. But this will do nothing for women’s soccer and/or women’s sports in general. Thanks a lot, ABC.

The girls get split into two teams: dumb and dumber.

They start kickin some shins, and BEN IS ALL ABOUT IT. Like an overly-aggressive fan dad. I guess his future children won’t have to worry about whether Daddy will be at their sporting events cheering them on.

I’m secretly mad at myself for cheering for a team at this point. Obviously the team that Olivia is not on.

But I’m disappointed yet again.

Olivia’s team wins, which means they get to continue on to a cocktail hour. We find out Olivia has frightening toes, bad breath, cankles, questionable calves, and possible fake breasts. Shocking, yet pleasing.

Amber is on this date, unfortunately, and cannot stop talking to the camera people. She spends more time in a confessional and begging Bachelor producers to let her on all Bachelor-related shows, than actually talking to Ben. Kind of the point here, Amber.

Somehow she gets the rose on the group date though? My sanity is in question at this point. *NOTE: Was Lace tranquilized for this date, or?

ONE-ON-ONE

Jubilee Girl!

Guess what. The date is to go on a plane again! (SPOILER, but later in the episode Ben talks about how two close family friends of his end up dying in a plane crash. Did he predict their death with these dates, OR?!?!)

Also, Jubilee is scared of heights but not war.

At the mansion, people are talking shit on how Jubilee seemed ungrateful to go on this date. Are girls not allowed to be sarcastic on this show? The point is not to just drool over Ben like a goddamn moron, Caila.

Jubilee is now my favorite because she calls Ben “white boy” and makes references to him being not-so-white in other places, if you’re getting my big penis reference.

Ben keeps saying Jubilee intrigues him which is a white boy’s way of saying he’s never been with a black woman before. This is obvious as we approach dinner and Ben is wearing a cardigan.

Date ends beautifully.

COCKTAIL HOUR/ROSE CEREMONY

Lauren H. needs to stop talking because she sounds like Tina Fey playing Sarah Palin.

Ben proceeds to tell the ladies about the tragic death of his two family friends.

And Olivia’s tragedy is that she’s the most insensitive human being on planet Earth.

LACE ELIMINATES HERSELF?! Did not see that one coming. And, we say bye bye to Shushanna and Jamie. Ben gives Olivia the last rose of the night and maybe he’s not such a nice guy after all.

The Bachelor– Episode 2

Quick preview: I’m sure this was Ice Cube and Kevin Hart’s dream growing up in the hood, struggling to make ends meet: GET TO THE BACHELOR MANSION OR WE FAIL.

GROUP DATE

I like Lace’s hair and contouring skills and the list ends there. I’m shocked, myself. I normally love a good bitch on this show.

The first date is “let’s pretend to go back to high school.” Wow Ben, be a little more transparent. YOU MISS HIGH SCHOOL. WE GET IT.

Jubilee unfortunately partners with Lace on this nightmare of a group date and keeps calling her Lacey. Is that throwing shade or her just trying to make Lacey happen because Lace is stupid? Either way I like the effort.

Would Nell have won the basketball challenge? You betcha. Then I would have accidentally passed the ball into Becca and JoJo’s heads for placing Indiana horizontally on a map where Pennsylvania should be. GET A REAL JOB BECCA. Assistant Chiropractor? Just be honest and tell everyone your new real job: Instagram “model.”

What do ya know? Crazy dentist Mandi wins the entire group date challenge. She gets to wear Ben’s real letterman’s jacket as a prize……………

During the after-prom, Jennifer goes in for the major first kiss of the group date. Well actually Ben did, so he must really be in to her. Except I don’t get why.

Lace compliments Ben on making eye contact with her tonight. Yeah Lace, I’m sure Ben is going to make major eye contact with you. You called him out so hard on that last time that he’s going to burn lasers into your eyeballs for fear of his testicles being cut off by you. Logical reasoning in my book.

Jubilee is so pretty I can’t even take it. Major girl crush.

Lace be interrupting errrrrryone in this group and I’m exhausted.

JoJo, after being brought to the roof: “I’ve never been this high in my life.” Poor choice of words, and you’re lying.

ONE-ON-ONE

Caila gets the first one on one- go Ohio!

SURPRISE! YOU’RE GOING ON A DATE WITH THE CAST OF THE SOMEHOW-SOMEONE-MANAGED-TO-CONVINCE-THEM-TO-MAKE-A-SEQUEL ,RIDE ALONG 2!

Ice Cube should have zero street cred left right?

And ABC should try and sponsor better movies right?

I wish I had more to say about this but it was just a normal, and dare I say, good date and not embarrassing? Good work, Caila. Thanks for being normal.

Except I have no idea who Amos Lee is?

GROUP DATE #2

The gang goes to a Love Lab. And no, that’s not the title of an It’s Always Sunny  episode, unfortunately enough.

The twins look confused. Which, I won’t dock them points for because what the hell is a Love Lab and who pays people to perform this job?

Is this man a real doctor? If so, can I punch him in the face because this whole thing is ridiculous?

Also can I just take a minute to say that at 22 and 23 I was not looking this put-together. I was still wearing Forever 21 bandage dresses and crying about graduating from college. Half of that is still true.

Olivia is getting cocky now but I’ll just let these stills from my magnificent DVR speak for themselves:

 

COCKTAIL HOUR

Amber is literally a moron. You were already on a season of this Godforsaken show and you know how it works so quit crying about not getting enough time with Ben. Go home. Or back to Bachelor in Paradise where you belong.

MAKING BARRETTES. BEN IS CRAFTING BARRETTES. WHO ARE YOU. ARE YOU WILLING TO BE CLONED.

Lace continues to get weirder upon sharing a story about how her brothers would pretend not to know her on the school bus as a child. I’m very embarrassed for her.

ROSE CEREMONY

Lace get the default ratings rose from ABC. Way to not stand up to peer pressure, Benjamin.

LB pulls Ben aside and tells him she’s from Oklahoma so she can’t handle this, obviously. Bye LB. Please figure out where your eyebrows went and get back to me.

Sam (the sour smelling one), Mandi the Dentist (shocked), and Jackie (the Gerontologist?!) don’t get a rose. Lesson of the episode: science don’t lie boo boo.

2016 Bachelor Premiere Recap

Back in action with my thoughts on the latest Bachelor season. It’s lookin’ like it’s going to be a doozy.

The day has finally arrived and Ben’s promo shoot looked awkward. Like, dude, you’re going to be handing out roses for a living. Look like a natural.

Well this is the side of Ben we didn’t see last season. The boy who lives in his high school glory days. Hard sigh.

These corn field scenarios are giving me nightmares of Chris Soules’ season.

Let’s get to the limos. And can I just say something? Sure you can, Nell. Twins is so overplayed. Like that’s the best thing ABC could have done for the season? TWINS? That’s more a disadvantage than an advantage. First of all, too hard to keep track of. Secondly, you honestly think he’ll choose one of them over the other? Child, bye.

Speaking of Chris Soules… WHY IS HE THERE? He was the ultimate Bachelor FAIL. Jason Mesnick… get off television and Sean Lowe… you get cornier with age. It’s not a good look.

Mandi the Dentist… “I would not date a guy with gingivitis.”
All men… “I would never date a dentist who looks like she’s about to cut my tongue out.”

Tiara is ready to find love now that she’s realized being away from her chickens for more than 10 days is possible. YIKES.

LIMO TIME.

Caila from Hudson, Ohio= hometown hero.

Jennifer “forgot” to say her name because it’s… Jennifer and because every other contestant on the show has a basic white girl name. Not my girl Jubilee though.

Lace is wearing lace and acting like an ass with that half-assed first kiss.

THE GIRL NOT SAYING HER NAME THE GIRL NOT SAYING HER NAME
who also said she was at an advantage because she got to stalk Ben on social media. I forget where she’s from, but it must be insane to be the only person with access to Instagram there.

“It’s not frightening. It’s normal.” Ben, to the person wearing the unicorn head. What kind of trips have you been on weed-wise over there in Colorado buddy?

Mandi is trying too hard to be the classic Ashley S. But there can only be ONE Mesa Verde, alien-hunting, onion-loving lady on the history of this show, Mandi. Get it through your rose, er, head.

LACE WITH THE STANK EYE. This girl’s a bitch, which normally I can appreciate but she’s taking her bad version of a Sarah Silverman face and act to the annoying level.

BREANNE. I’m done with you. In my culture if you destroy bread you die.

LB forgot her eyebrows at home, yeah?

Oh look, Becca and Amber are back… to remind everyone they were on a prior season in case anyone forgot, which we did? Still the same uninteresting chicks.

“We’re all emotional right now.” Lace, just talking about herself because she was literally the only one to get wasted and tear up.

Olivia gets the first impression rose and I actually like this chick aside from the fact that she smiles too much. And I love Buddy the Elf so you can see where I’m conflicted.

Rose ceremony.

Lace gets the final rose…
Then gets hardcore annoying as one would expect.

Ben needed to put this boo boo in check. Like excuse me, Lace, he chose Mandi before you tonight. Basically he chose someone who could have pulled his teeth out on national television over you.

So bye.

At least someone got a dental exam out of this night if nothing else.

Eliminated:

Maegan with her stupid horse and ugly dress, Jessica with her DEB dress-lookin ass, Tiara (chickens), Breanne (asshole to gluten), Isabel (??), Laura (Red Velvet LOL), and Lauren R. (the one who didn’t say her name).