2016 Bachelor Premiere Recap

Back in action with my thoughts on the latest Bachelor season. It’s lookin’ like it’s going to be a doozy.

The day has finally arrived and Ben’s promo shoot looked awkward. Like, dude, you’re going to be handing out roses for a living. Look like a natural.

Well this is the side of Ben we didn’t see last season. The boy who lives in his high school glory days. Hard sigh.

These corn field scenarios are giving me nightmares of Chris Soules’ season.

Let’s get to the limos. And can I just say something? Sure you can, Nell. Twins is so overplayed. Like that’s the best thing ABC could have done for the season? TWINS? That’s more a disadvantage than an advantage. First of all, too hard to keep track of. Secondly, you honestly think he’ll choose one of them over the other? Child, bye.

Speaking of Chris Soules… WHY IS HE THERE? He was the ultimate Bachelor FAIL. Jason Mesnick… get off television and Sean Lowe… you get cornier with age. It’s not a good look.

Mandi the Dentist… “I would not date a guy with gingivitis.”
All men… “I would never date a dentist who looks like she’s about to cut my tongue out.”

Tiara is ready to find love now that she’s realized being away from her chickens for more than 10 days is possible. YIKES.


Caila from Hudson, Ohio= hometown hero.

Jennifer “forgot” to say her name because it’s… Jennifer and because every other contestant on the show has a basic white girl name. Not my girl Jubilee though.

Lace is wearing lace and acting like an ass with that half-assed first kiss.

who also said she was at an advantage because she got to stalk Ben on social media. I forget where she’s from, but it must be insane to be the only person with access to Instagram there.

“It’s not frightening. It’s normal.” Ben, to the person wearing the unicorn head. What kind of trips have you been on weed-wise over there in Colorado buddy?

Mandi is trying too hard to be the classic Ashley S. But there can only be ONE Mesa Verde, alien-hunting, onion-loving lady on the history of this show, Mandi. Get it through your rose, er, head.

LACE WITH THE STANK EYE. This girl’s a bitch, which normally I can appreciate but she’s taking her bad version of a Sarah Silverman face and act to the annoying level.

BREANNE. I’m done with you. In my culture if you destroy bread you die.

LB forgot her eyebrows at home, yeah?

Oh look, Becca and Amber are back… to remind everyone they were on a prior season in case anyone forgot, which we did? Still the same uninteresting chicks.

“We’re all emotional right now.” Lace, just talking about herself because she was literally the only one to get wasted and tear up.

Olivia gets the first impression rose and I actually like this chick aside from the fact that she smiles too much. And I love Buddy the Elf so you can see where I’m conflicted.

Rose ceremony.

Lace gets the final rose…
Then gets hardcore annoying as one would expect.

Ben needed to put this boo boo in check. Like excuse me, Lace, he chose Mandi before you tonight. Basically he chose someone who could have pulled his teeth out on national television over you.

So bye.

At least someone got a dental exam out of this night if nothing else.


Maegan with her stupid horse and ugly dress, Jessica with her DEB dress-lookin ass, Tiara (chickens), Breanne (asshole to gluten), Isabel (??), Laura (Red Velvet LOL), and Lauren R. (the one who didn’t say her name).


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