The Bachelor- Episode 8

Eight weeks in and I’m still writing. I belong on Survivor.

It’s time for home towns.

Amanda

Laguna Beach. I’d pick her just for the location.

I don’t know if they decided to film this at 5 a.m. because Ben looks like he just awoke from a long slumber. Not in a I Woke Up Like Dis way, either.

Mmmk. Her kids are adorable.

Kids are also “shy” a.k.a horribly terrified of Ben’s short shorts.

Amanda’s family is so boring that all I’m doing is wondering how much their house costs and what they do for a living. The least they could have done was offer poor Ben a beer. Sheesh.

Lauren B.

Portland, Oregon. Fine.

The hipsters in town are curiously questioning Ben’s blazer choice.

They do Portland things and Lauren is so nervous about him meeting her family.

THAT’S NEVER HAPPENED BEFORE ON HOME TOWNS. WEIRD.

Let’s talk shit about our sister/daughter and then scream with excitement when she comes in like a bunch of fake assholes. Ready, fam?

If I were Lauren’s sister and Ben started crying in front of me, I think (I know) I would laugh?

AND HE CRIES IN FRONT OF HER DAD? Tony Calanni would make an inappropriate joke and make him feel so awk he would regret ever coming on the show.

Lauren decides not to tell Ben she’s in love with him. So good times. The worst kind of regret is Bachelor regret. Right? Has to be. Hands down.

No.

Caila

Wadddupppp Hudson, Ohio!

Look at how cute autumn does its thing in the CLE.

Not gonna lie. Thought the Step2 facility would look a little (a lot) more baller.

Wait. I take that back. These machines are baller.

Um hi. Now I want to build MY own toys.

What’s funny is that Caila’s dad looks really indifferent to Filipino cuisine.

Let me just say, God bless Caila’s mother and her grown ass woman braces and Caila’s dad and his grown ass man orange chinos.

Caila says she’s going to tell Ben she loves him and then… DOESN’T.

Chris Harrison didn’t lie when he said this was the most unpredictable, shocking season yet. [insert rolling eyes emoji]

JoJo

Dallas, Texas. Yee- freakin-haw.

Everyone has been so. damn. boring. so far.

Ummmmmmm. Until now. When JoJo gets a letter from her ex. With roses.

Solid stupid boy move. Don’t know what ya got ’til it’s gone.

Lol. I wish every guy reacted the way Ben did in these types of situations. Unless he’s lying, in which case, fine. You don’t want to look like an asshole on television.

Do all of these girls have rich families?! Is this why they can get away with just “leaving” work for months at a time?

Um obviously the good family genes only went to one sister…

JoJo’s brothers though… thumbs up.

Can JoJo’s mom have her own show? Please?

This home town couldn’t have gone any worse. Finally, a moment of realness on this stupid show.

ROSE CEREMONY

Hello to JoJo’s dress.

Bye to Caila’s dress.

We say for real bye to Amanda, which. Predictable.

The good news is that her kids won’t remember it. But like, this is what home videos are now, so. #MillennialsWhoHaveMillennials

 

 

 

 

 

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The Bachelor- Episode 7

Sorry for the delay. I watched the idiotic GRAMMY’s last night. Dare I say The Bachelor is better television?

We’re in Ben’s hometown in Indiana. They’re making him drive around in an old pickup truck as if Indiana is in the middle of nowhere. And here comes the slow burn of all of Ben’s memories in the good ol’ city of Warsaw. Not to be confused with the capital of Poland.

His parents are listening to him go on and on about these girls wondering “where did we fail in raising this son of ours?”

Did anyone catch the moment where Caila tries to stop the speedboat Ben is driving in? If you missed it, be thankful.

ONE-ON-ONE

Lauren B.

Everyone is jealous that she got asked out in-person by Ben and not on a card, “like normal.”

Ben’s church is the size of a hotel so I question whether or not he’s a Scientologist.

Lauren looks terrified upon Ben suggesting they participate in activities at the youth center. Ben, meanwhile, is sweating from head to toe.

AND THEN PAUL GEORGE AND GEORGE HILL SHOW UP. Bye. I’d be dead and Lauren B. doesn’t appreciate a single second. She claims she’s star struck but her facial expression doesn’t change even for a second. I WOULD BE CRYING.

Ben and Lauren B. give us a total of zero voice inflections during their dinner conversation.

I think to myself, if I ever had to bring a guy to “my” local dive bar, would it be the memory and structure of what was once Wing Warehouse?

ONE-ON-ONE

JoJo. Let’s find love in the “windy city.” I hope this means they actually go to Chicago or does Ben think his city does it all?

Chicago confirmed.

JoJo says “Ben” like “Bin” and it’s not a cute southern trait IMO.

One of Ben’s favorite sports teams is the Chicago Cubs. I appreciate his ability to have taken in sports misery like a Cleveland fan.

“What is this?” -JoJo
“Oh, this is the scoreboard.” -Ben, stating the obvious.

Another dull ass conversation with the broken record, JoJo, about how scared she is and the other broken record, Ben, about how reassuring he is.

Bye.

GROUP DATE

Amanda, Caila, Becca.

They are driving boats, sort of.

Becca is confused by it, but what else is new?

And she also keeps complaining about how horrible these group dates are. WHY DID YOU EVER COME BACK TO THIS SHOW AND WHO LET YOU BACK ,YOU ANNOYING LOONEY TOON?!

Well I know who I’m not going to hire Caila to represent Cleveland any time soon. Damn, Gina, you could at least throw us a compliment.

Ben gives the group date rose to Amanda and they continue on to another date.

WAIT. Ben takes Amanda to McDonald’s because it’s a normal thing for him to do. Does anyone know how much I love McDonald’s? I consider a Big Mac it’s own group on the food pyramid. Damnit, Ben. You’re perfect.

I’m not going to lie. I hate how Amanda talks so I fast forwarded through the rest of their date. It looks like they finish off the night at a carnival. Fantastically stimulating.

ONE-ON-ONE

Emily, the twin.

Ben does not look like he cares about this date at all.

He takes her to meet his parents.

Which is working against Emily because she comes across as really stupid.

And guess what? He sends her home. I wonder if there’s a pool in Vegas (ironically enough her hometown) that I could have put money down on the fact that she wouldn’t win.

ROSE CEREMONY

Ben is crying.

Becca goes home. Thank God. And it goes without saying. DON’T COME BACK.

The Bachelor- Episode 6

In case you forgot (which I did), we’re left on a cliffhanger to see if Ben will revoke Olivia’s rose.

Girl-on-girl crime is all about getting, or not getting roses. Catch up Ben.

“I like reading books in my room and thinking.” -Olivia. Let’s focus on “thinking.” When you say “thinking” do you really mean “plotting?”

To sum it up: Olivia stays.

I hate when rose ceremonies happen at the beginning of the show. It really leaves a glooming feeling on the rest of the- HAHA yeah right. It’s great. At least we know the upcoming two hours of misery will be without one desperate fool in the mix.

The moment Emily the Twin breaks away from Hailey the Twin it’s as if someone told her to stand for something. I’ll tell you what- she needs to cool it and stop talking because we know nothing about her except that she’s from Vegas and IS A TWIN.

Jennifer goes home. I don’t really care. Also- we’re the same age and she makes me look like I’m 12 so.

Can a Brunette Survive Up in This Bitch is the new name of the show.

Now they venture to the Bahamas. *Thinks back to 2012 Spring Break and sighs*

ONE-ON-ONE

Caila (again).

The date card says “reel” instead of “real” and collectively we figure out: OH MY GOD THERE’S FISHING IN THE BAHAMAS. #Islands

Leah (who we see from time to time) is upset because she hasn’t come within 500 feet of Ben since arriving. I feel you girl.

One of Ben’s favorite activities is deep sea fishing? I didn’t know that could take place in Denver or Indiana.

Leah, back at the hotel, is still visibly upset while we flip back and forth to watching Caila reel in giant fish. It’s not like you’ll run into him anywhere after this… wait. You’re from Denver too, jk lolz. Go out with some dignity girl, come on.

Well now Caila is being confusing, all still while smiling, so that’s uncomfortable. She feels like she loves him but cant completely fall in love. I get it, but will the millions of bafoons watching this show get it?

Olivia calls Emily young upon learning that they are the two going on the two-on-one date this week. They’re the same age for all y’all mathematicians out there.

It ends well for Caila. Her being confusing is somehow more attractive to Ben. *ALL OTHER MEN ON THIS EARTH, TAKE NOTES*

GROUP DATE

The date is to chill on a boat, T-pain and Lonely Island style.

Jk it’s Ben’s other pretend favorite activity– feeding pigs in paradiiiisseeee!

Lauren B. refers to a group of pigs as a clan, so that’s wrong.

Ben loves her though. Her and her oddly-shaped bathing suit bottom.

Becca, with all that peanut butter on the roof of her mouth is talking. It must be sooooo hard to be on this show twice.

Leah then tries throwing Lauren B. under the bus for no reason at all. Nice try and then she’s lying about it on national television. The Women Tell All won’t be fun for you, I’m thinking.

After the group date, Leah isn’t finished and goes on a fun secret mission to further her lie. BEN HAS HAD ENOUGH. Bye, Leah.

TWO-ON-ONE

With twin and satan. I thought of that one all by myself.

Satan proclaims her love for Ben. Ugh.

And twin says a lot of short phrases.

BEN SENDS OLIVIA HOME. OMG. He takes her away with a rose and then doesn’t give it to her. OUCH. And then she has to watch them boat away while she gets devoured by waves and we never see her again… major plot twist ABC.

Straight to the rose ceremony. Thank goodness.

He calls Becca’s name first. A lady says “yes” when accepting a rose, Becca. Not “yeah,” like a hillbilly.

We say goodbye to Lauren H. and her strong Midwestern accent.

We also get a preview to the rest of the season where it appears Ben sends the person home he actually wants to end up with. I knew you were a true guy’s guy at heart, Ben. It was only a matter of time.

 

 

 

The Bachelor- Episode 5

Disappointed this trip to Mexico didn’t involve hunting for El Chapo because I guarantee Olivia would have found that fool long before Sean Penn.

I digress.

“Mexico City is a great place to fall in love,” says Ben, who gets paid to say that by ABC, and who mustn’t forget that falling in love isn’t cute if you drink the water.

There’s a lot of mumbo jumbo at the beginning of this episode but Olivia says something funny: “He doesn’t validate people the way he validates me.” Pretty sure there’s a different between forcing someone to validate you and just letting it happen naturally, but hey, what do I know?

ONE-ON-ONE

Amanda. The mom with the glass-shattering voice.

Ben thinks it will be cute to wake up the girls before he takes Amanda on their date. This ends in us learning that Lauren H. sleeps with a retainer and alas, so does Ben.

Amanda, on the other hand, was either told by producers to look beautiful upon waking up or she’s foolish for sleeping in makeup. You’re a mother of two daughters, Amanda. Set a good example please.

Amanda and Ben go hot air ballooning. Big whoop.

If he gets sick of her voice does he just jump, or…?

Then they go on a picnic in an open field in Mexico. I would not want to be caught dead in an open field in Mexico. What kind of budget did ABC have this year?

Amanda says “like” more times than any mom should and the date is over.

GROUP DATE

Jubilee is not representing her name well, as she states she’s not very good at competing with girls for Ben’s love. Hello, Jubilee, and welcome to what is THE BACHELOR.

The girls start off taking Spanish class and then they head to a market where they will be cooking said Spanish ingredients they just learned how to say.

In case anyone didn’t know what a market was, JoJo explains it as “a place where you can buy all kinds of foods.” Riveting, JoJo. Riveting.

Plot twist– Olivia partners up with Ben like they’re about to embark on Noah’s Ark and Ben couldn’t look more terrified.

If Ben is really giving Olivia mint because her breath is rank, I applaud him for days to come.

At this point, we learn 90% of the girls are terrible cooks and that Lauren B. really seems like the front-runner. In a shocking turn of events, Ben eliminates Jubilee because she just can’t shake her ‘tude. No worries though, Ben. Her entire family died in Haiti, but other girls here are visibly shaken by their willingness to come on a show and be emotional. #Empathy

JoJo, who continues to play the strategy of stupidity, interrupts Ben as he’s trying to explain to the ladies why Jubilee left. He never finishes. #ThatsWhatSheSaid

Olivia also gets the group date rose which is a shocker to anyone who knows her, personally and on reality television.

ONE-ON-ONE

Lauren H. and her goddamn Midwestern accent that goes too far.

They get to shop at the place where El Chapo bought his infamous capture blouse and then wait. It’s MEXICAN FASHION WEEK SO THEY GET TO WALK IN THE SHOW. Must be really important if they let Bachelor contestants participate.

This date bores me.

COCKTAIL PARTY

Olivia continues to prove herself as an asshole, through and through when she calls Amanda a ‘teen mom.’

Which turns out to be funny because Emily the twin starts getting really worked up about it. She wasn’t even involved in the conversation and she starts hysterically crying. Come to think of it, has Olivia ever even spoken to Emily?

We end the episode with a  To be continued… because Ben pretends like he’s going to take Olivia’s rose away when the girls confront him about her.

NOTHING LIKE BACHELOR SUSPENSE.