The Bachelor- Episode 5

Disappointed this trip to Mexico didn’t involve hunting for El Chapo because I guarantee Olivia would have found that fool long before Sean Penn.

I digress.

“Mexico City is a great place to fall in love,” says Ben, who gets paid to say that by ABC, and who mustn’t forget that falling in love isn’t cute if you drink the water.

There’s a lot of mumbo jumbo at the beginning of this episode but Olivia says something funny: “He doesn’t validate people the way he validates me.” Pretty sure there’s a different between forcing someone to validate you and just letting it happen naturally, but hey, what do I know?

ONE-ON-ONE

Amanda. The mom with the glass-shattering voice.

Ben thinks it will be cute to wake up the girls before he takes Amanda on their date. This ends in us learning that Lauren H. sleeps with a retainer and alas, so does Ben.

Amanda, on the other hand, was either told by producers to look beautiful upon waking up or she’s foolish for sleeping in makeup. You’re a mother of two daughters, Amanda. Set a good example please.

Amanda and Ben go hot air ballooning. Big whoop.

If he gets sick of her voice does he just jump, or…?

Then they go on a picnic in an open field in Mexico. I would not want to be caught dead in an open field in Mexico. What kind of budget did ABC have this year?

Amanda says “like” more times than any mom should and the date is over.

GROUP DATE

Jubilee is not representing her name well, as she states she’s not very good at competing with girls for Ben’s love. Hello, Jubilee, and welcome to what is THE BACHELOR.

The girls start off taking Spanish class and then they head to a market where they will be cooking said Spanish ingredients they just learned how to say.

In case anyone didn’t know what a market was, JoJo explains it as “a place where you can buy all kinds of foods.” Riveting, JoJo. Riveting.

Plot twist– Olivia partners up with Ben like they’re about to embark on Noah’s Ark and Ben couldn’t look more terrified.

If Ben is really giving Olivia mint because her breath is rank, I applaud him for days to come.

At this point, we learn 90% of the girls are terrible cooks and that Lauren B. really seems like the front-runner. In a shocking turn of events, Ben eliminates Jubilee because she just can’t shake her ‘tude. No worries though, Ben. Her entire family died in Haiti, but other girls here are visibly shaken by their willingness to come on a show and be emotional. #Empathy

JoJo, who continues to play the strategy of stupidity, interrupts Ben as he’s trying to explain to the ladies why Jubilee left. He never finishes. #ThatsWhatSheSaid

Olivia also gets the group date rose which is a shocker to anyone who knows her, personally and on reality television.

ONE-ON-ONE

Lauren H. and her goddamn Midwestern accent that goes too far.

They get to shop at the place where El Chapo bought his infamous capture blouse and then wait. It’s MEXICAN FASHION WEEK SO THEY GET TO WALK IN THE SHOW. Must be really important if they let Bachelor contestants participate.

This date bores me.

COCKTAIL PARTY

Olivia continues to prove herself as an asshole, through and through when she calls Amanda a ‘teen mom.’

Which turns out to be funny because Emily the twin starts getting really worked up about it. She wasn’t even involved in the conversation and she starts hysterically crying. Come to think of it, has Olivia ever even spoken to Emily?

We end the episode with a  To be continued… because Ben pretends like he’s going to take Olivia’s rose away when the girls confront him about her.

NOTHING LIKE BACHELOR SUSPENSE.

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