Stop with the ‘Super Team,’ LeBron.

You smell that? It’s the sweet odor of playoff season in The Land.

And it sure wouldn’t be the start to a  Cleveland Cavaliers’ road to the finals without some controversy.

super team.

Raise your hand if you’re sick of hearing this phrase. Raise both hands at the same time and risk looking like a fool if you hate the fact that LeBron was the one to bring this nonsense up.

(If you want to catch my feels on the long-lost rivalry era of the NBA, read one of my older blog posts first.)

Anyway…

There’s a reason no one really cares to watch the All-Star Game for more than five minutes, LeBron. It’s not that exciting to watch alley-oop after alley-oop with no one playing any lick of defense. Which is exactly what would be the case of a ‘super team’ was ever formed.

It will never happen, but if it did due to some crazy turn of events where LeBron would appoint himself to commish because he can do that BECAUSE he’s LeBron, it would kill the true fans of the game. I’m sure your 9 year-old cousin who sports a Stephen Curry jersey just because his or her brain hasn’t fully adjusted to what it means to be an NBA fan yet, would love it, but it would honestly make me hate the sport of basketball (words I’ve never even joked around with).

From a Cleveland Cavaliers’ perspective, if you can’t get along (rumor or trumor?) with Kevin Love and Kyrie Irving, then how are you expecting to get along with Carmelo Anthony (who I’ve always thought is highly overrated, but that’s for another day), Dwyane Wade, Chris Paul, etc.? Also, none of you are getting any younger and Patrick Ewing thinks you’re stupid.

Bqc0cvLCQAAAMcd

As I’m writing this, my phone lights up with an ESPN notification that reads:

NBA: Chris Paul withdraws from Team USA consideration for 2016 Olympics- SI; “body tells me I could use the time.”

I rest my case.

So, LeBron, dearest, dearest LeBron,

Can you just do me one quick favor and STFU about this ‘super team’? If your goal is to win a championship for Cleveland, just do it already and then you can resume your silly discussions with the media.

9 more games left until the playoffs and then it’s time to get it done!

 

Advertisements

The Bachelor- Finale

Well here we are. Another finale that I never thought I’d live to see. I’m truly building up my tolerance to boring human beings, which I never thought I’d write as a sentence.

But then I remember I’m not part of this wretched live audience so I can end the day on a high note.

Oh and to top it all off they don’t even give Ben and the winner a chance to break up? They just have to go and get married right away because that’s what this drama-hungry audience demands?

Fine.

Who told Ben to wear skinny corduroys on a tropical island?

Lauren is first up to meet Ben’s parents.

Meanwhile his mother is trying not to vomit at the thought that her son loves two women.

Lauren’s pretty normal and not awkward at all in front of his parents. She does what any good interviewee is supposed to do. I would say she’s a valid candidate.

Side note—is Ben an only child? We need an attitude-filled sibling to be asking the hard-hitting questions in order for this to be interesting. Yes I realize I just said the show would only be exciting if an outside person, non-related to this competition would appear. Kill me.

JoJo’s up.

She’s shaking like a leaf. Like cool it girl.

But she’s earning points from her crying. That’s a true woman right there. Knowing when to use tears to her advantage 😉

Final dates have arrived.

Lauren: “He’s thinking about something and I don’t really know what.” REALLY BITCH.

Drink every time Ben says, “I don’t know.”

Lol at the Jamaican man screaming *probably* profanities to JoJo and Ben.

Like, think about it for a second. These islands are getting play because of this stupid show. There’s no way all civilians are welcoming. They’re thinking, get these white people off my island.

I’d bet my life on it.

Another thought- is there a behind-the-scenes bikini waxer that ABC provides? Anyone? Hello? That would be a necessity on my rider. Because they have to get riders at least, right?

So Ben and JoJo go into the bathroom to talk. Because that seems safe from the rest of the world?

Oooooh. Ben said he loved JoJo before he left. He didn’t say it to Lauren.

That’s my best effort at playing detective.

Neil Lane: “Seriously asshole, you made me fly down to Jamaica to waste my time in showing you engagement rings and you don’t even know who you’re picking?”

Then, Neil Lane retired from his contract with ABC.

And in a shocking turn of events, Ben chooses Chris Harrison.

That’d be an ending I’d be completely satisfied with and now I’m petitioning for the first season of #GayBachelor.

JoJo is thinking she should have gone back to her ex…I’d put money on it.

The live show gave it away. They flew out Lauren’s entire family and they only flew out JoJo’s parents because you know her brothers were not about to have that shit.

HE CALLS LAUREN’S DAD. DEAD. DEAD. BEN ACTUALLY IS LEGIT.

Name another 26 year-old that will do that.

Solidified with an all-out douche fist pump in the air, no doubt.

Also, JoJo is the new Bachelorette. No wonder she wasn’t pissed off on the live finale. Things are always easier when you get a chance at 25 pieces of fresh man meat.

The Bachelor- Episode 9

I’m counting down to the end of this godforsaken season.

And show.

Forever.

So that I can become a decent human being again.

Ben Higgins is in Jamaica, mon. And he’s reflecting…mon.

We get it, Ben. Cailia is smiley. What’s your thing? Speaking like you’re running for president, or?

Lauren doesn’t want to fall in love. Good choice coming on this show then.

JoJo. Yes, the gal is beautiful. And yes, she’s pretty. She’s cute. I don’t know how many other ways to say she’s good looking. I’m trying to lengthen this list.

And apparently when you’re in Jamaica, the only colors you’re allowed to wear are of the tropical sort.

Caila

Well this date is starting off awkwardly. Is it because they’re trying to respect the fact that actual Jamaicans raft down this river for transportation and they want to be sensitive or because they’ve run out of horrifyingly painful things to say to each other?

“It’s like I’m a 26 year-old man who’s like a little kid right now.”

Earth shattering.

“Meh. Life is so hard. I’m in Jamaica drinking out of a shaved coconut. Meh.” -Pretty much the gist of what Caila is saying.

Also I love how they can’t actually have quality time until the dinner that night. You JUST spent an entire raft ride and coconut-sipping session together offending the locals. Why couldn’t you talk then?

What do ya know? Caila is in a totally different mood at dinner. She obviously thought about that fantasy suite.

Side note: They’ve got to stop going to these tropical islands during the last few dates. The guys are ALWAYS sweating so uncontrollably. It’s not cute.

One of these days I want the date card to actually be in a box and then have it be a, well you, know. A “date” in a box.

I have a feeling Caila won’t be so smiley when this show is over, even though their overnight when swimmingly.

Lauren

We can drop the B. now right?

We upgrade from a raft to a rowboat.

THEY GET TO RELEASE A NEST OF SEA TURTLES?

Okay, already Lauren is drumfing Caila’s date. 😉

“This is one of my dreams.”

DOUBT IT, LAUREN. DOUBT IT. Guarantee your imagination is not that creative that releasing a nest of sea turtles has been on your dream list.

Awkward white people at this local Jamaican concert.

Lauren tries playing it all coy and then of course accepts the fantasy suite. Like, why wouldn’t you? And then she eventually spits out that she loves him. I’ve never heard a more dead-voiced way of someone telling someone they love them.

AND BEN DROPS THE BIG KAHUNA BACK TO HER. Woah. A touch of excitement in this season, if you will.

But like, what if that all just happened and the sex was bad?

JoJo

In all realness though, I’d be pissed if I were Lauren. Like oh, you just told me you loved me but are about to go on a date with someone else. Why?

Helicopter. The best form of transportation we’ve seen thus far.

Um yeah, my bathing suit would have flown off jumping into that body of water. JoJo must have superglued that top onto her ta ta’s.

Ermagherd. JoJo loves Ben and BEN LOVES JOJO TOO.

Sorry, Caila. I could feel this one coming.

And the third fantasy suite is a charm.

The end is near…

Ugh, poor, smiley Caila.

She, um, decides to awkwardly surprise him the morning after, well, all of his morning-afters.

Chrissy Teigen can take all of my facial expressions from here:

chrissy-teigen.jpg