The Bachelor- Episode 9

I’m counting down to the end of this godforsaken season.

And show.

Forever.

So that I can become a decent human being again.

Ben Higgins is in Jamaica, mon. And he’s reflecting…mon.

We get it, Ben. Cailia is smiley. What’s your thing? Speaking like you’re running for president, or?

Lauren doesn’t want to fall in love. Good choice coming on this show then.

JoJo. Yes, the gal is beautiful. And yes, she’s pretty. She’s cute. I don’t know how many other ways to say she’s good looking. I’m trying to lengthen this list.

And apparently when you’re in Jamaica, the only colors you’re allowed to wear are of the tropical sort.

Caila

Well this date is starting off awkwardly. Is it because they’re trying to respect the fact that actual Jamaicans raft down this river for transportation and they want to be sensitive or because they’ve run out of horrifyingly painful things to say to each other?

“It’s like I’m a 26 year-old man who’s like a little kid right now.”

Earth shattering.

“Meh. Life is so hard. I’m in Jamaica drinking out of a shaved coconut. Meh.” -Pretty much the gist of what Caila is saying.

Also I love how they can’t actually have quality time until the dinner that night. You JUST spent an entire raft ride and coconut-sipping session together offending the locals. Why couldn’t you talk then?

What do ya know? Caila is in a totally different mood at dinner. She obviously thought about that fantasy suite.

Side note: They’ve got to stop going to these tropical islands during the last few dates. The guys are ALWAYS sweating so uncontrollably. It’s not cute.

One of these days I want the date card to actually be in a box and then have it be a, well you, know. A “date” in a box.

I have a feeling Caila won’t be so smiley when this show is over, even though their overnight when swimmingly.

Lauren

We can drop the B. now right?

We upgrade from a raft to a rowboat.

THEY GET TO RELEASE A NEST OF SEA TURTLES?

Okay, already Lauren is drumfing Caila’s date. 😉

“This is one of my dreams.”

DOUBT IT, LAUREN. DOUBT IT. Guarantee your imagination is not that creative that releasing a nest of sea turtles has been on your dream list.

Awkward white people at this local Jamaican concert.

Lauren tries playing it all coy and then of course accepts the fantasy suite. Like, why wouldn’t you? And then she eventually spits out that she loves him. I’ve never heard a more dead-voiced way of someone telling someone they love them.

AND BEN DROPS THE BIG KAHUNA BACK TO HER. Woah. A touch of excitement in this season, if you will.

But like, what if that all just happened and the sex was bad?

JoJo

In all realness though, I’d be pissed if I were Lauren. Like oh, you just told me you loved me but are about to go on a date with someone else. Why?

Helicopter. The best form of transportation we’ve seen thus far.

Um yeah, my bathing suit would have flown off jumping into that body of water. JoJo must have superglued that top onto her ta ta’s.

Ermagherd. JoJo loves Ben and BEN LOVES JOJO TOO.

Sorry, Caila. I could feel this one coming.

And the third fantasy suite is a charm.

The end is near…

Ugh, poor, smiley Caila.

She, um, decides to awkwardly surprise him the morning after, well, all of his morning-afters.

Chrissy Teigen can take all of my facial expressions from here:

chrissy-teigen.jpg

 

 

 

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