The Bachelor- Finale

Well here we are. Another finale that I never thought I’d live to see. I’m truly building up my tolerance to boring human beings, which I never thought I’d write as a sentence.

But then I remember I’m not part of this wretched live audience so I can end the day on a high note.

Oh and to top it all off they don’t even give Ben and the winner a chance to break up? They just have to go and get married right away because that’s what this drama-hungry audience demands?

Fine.

Who told Ben to wear skinny corduroys on a tropical island?

Lauren is first up to meet Ben’s parents.

Meanwhile his mother is trying not to vomit at the thought that her son loves two women.

Lauren’s pretty normal and not awkward at all in front of his parents. She does what any good interviewee is supposed to do. I would say she’s a valid candidate.

Side note—is Ben an only child? We need an attitude-filled sibling to be asking the hard-hitting questions in order for this to be interesting. Yes I realize I just said the show would only be exciting if an outside person, non-related to this competition would appear. Kill me.

JoJo’s up.

She’s shaking like a leaf. Like cool it girl.

But she’s earning points from her crying. That’s a true woman right there. Knowing when to use tears to her advantage 😉

Final dates have arrived.

Lauren: “He’s thinking about something and I don’t really know what.” REALLY BITCH.

Drink every time Ben says, “I don’t know.”

Lol at the Jamaican man screaming *probably* profanities to JoJo and Ben.

Like, think about it for a second. These islands are getting play because of this stupid show. There’s no way all civilians are welcoming. They’re thinking, get these white people off my island.

I’d bet my life on it.

Another thought- is there a behind-the-scenes bikini waxer that ABC provides? Anyone? Hello? That would be a necessity on my rider. Because they have to get riders at least, right?

So Ben and JoJo go into the bathroom to talk. Because that seems safe from the rest of the world?

Oooooh. Ben said he loved JoJo before he left. He didn’t say it to Lauren.

That’s my best effort at playing detective.

Neil Lane: “Seriously asshole, you made me fly down to Jamaica to waste my time in showing you engagement rings and you don’t even know who you’re picking?”

Then, Neil Lane retired from his contract with ABC.

And in a shocking turn of events, Ben chooses Chris Harrison.

That’d be an ending I’d be completely satisfied with and now I’m petitioning for the first season of #GayBachelor.

JoJo is thinking she should have gone back to her ex…I’d put money on it.

The live show gave it away. They flew out Lauren’s entire family and they only flew out JoJo’s parents because you know her brothers were not about to have that shit.

HE CALLS LAUREN’S DAD. DEAD. DEAD. BEN ACTUALLY IS LEGIT.

Name another 26 year-old that will do that.

Solidified with an all-out douche fist pump in the air, no doubt.

Also, JoJo is the new Bachelorette. No wonder she wasn’t pissed off on the live finale. Things are always easier when you get a chance at 25 pieces of fresh man meat.

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