Make No Mistake About It: We’re the Champs

Many people wait their whole lives for that “it” moment. That moment when everything comes together and finally makes sense. The moment that makes you happier than any other moment has made you feel before. The moment that trumps all other times you thought it was the “it” moment.

The Cleveland Cavaliers have won the NBA Championship. It’s taken me a week to wrap my head around this fact let alone be able to express my feelings about it. I couldn’t watch with the thousands of viewers that gathered downtown, although part of me wishes I could have witnessed the beautiful chaos of a celebration it was. But. I’ve only ever been able to watch the Cavs one way: at home, paying attention to every single play, hanging on to Austin and Fred’s every last word (because they ARE the best in the business), and absolutely no distractions.

You see, I always sort of felt, that from the moment I understood basketball and fell in love with it at such a young age, that I was in an intimate relationship with the Cavs. I admit my obsession and my passion is unhealthy. I’ve stressed myself to the brink of physical exhaustion as each season passed, hoping and praying that one-day we’d finally get to hoist up that Larry O’Brien trophy. I attended games at “The Gund” and now “The Q” for so many years, from sitting in Loudville, to having floor seats, to sitting in suites, and every seat in-between. I was there the night we broke our 26-game losing streak against the Clippers the first season after LeBron had left. I couldn’t have been more proud. And I know that may sound funny to any non-Cavs fan or non-Clevelander, but I was honestly just so proud of any win. So, as you can imagine, the word “proud” doesn’t even begin to describe the feeling I felt on Sunday, June 19, Father’s Day, as the Cavs got that one big win we needed to call the championship title ours.

Every game in this Finals series made me anxious to the point of waking up on game days thinking about how the next 12 hours would go. Before games six and seven, I left work for the weekend telling Kara, “when I see you on Monday we’ll either be done or we’ll be champions.” Well, Monday rolled around, and I’ve got to say it was the best Monday I could have ever had. We were champions.

The best part about winning this championship is that when it still feels unreal, I can stop what I’m doing at any given moment and smile, thinking to myself, OH YEAH. It IS real. The city of Cleveland, my beloved home for 26 years, FINALLY, has another championship after 52 years. I will get butterflies in my stomach every second I remember this dream has finally come true.

I recently found out how my family came to be in Cleveland and when I heard the story from my great aunt, I could not have gotten more chills. In the 1950’s, my great aunt traveled to Cleveland from Italy to stay with godparents who had immigrated here. My great aunt is the oldest of six children, all of whom grew up in a small town in Sicily. I thank God every day she decided to come to America and fell in love with my late Uncle Leo (the truest Tribe fan you would have ever met), because she’s the reason my grandma ended up coming here too. The Calanni family is the epitome of Cleveland all the way. My grandpa has told me so many stories about how he never missed a day working at Davis Bakery on the east side and how he’d take the “rapida transita” (it’s cute when he says it) from the Triskett stop every single day, even in the snow. My dad and my aunt and uncles grew up knowing what hard work meant and lucky for me, they passed down their love for sports, too.

Sunday was quite a sigh of relief for the Calanni’s.

Then, came the parade.

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Although it’s not my preference to celebrate with the masses (I’m selfish like that), Wednesday was a day I certainly could not miss. The electricity could be felt throughout Northeast Ohio’s entirety. It was great running into old friends and spending the day with some of my closest friends in life. Those who know just how much this championship means to me. I can’t really put into words what the championship parade was like. All I can say was that I came home that afternoon realizing how lucky I am to be Cleveland-born-and-raised.

I was meant to be a Clevelander, this I know for sure. It’s like that saying that LeBron kept mentioning in all of his post-series interviews: “God doesn’t put things in front of you that you can’t handle.” Well here it is, Cleveland. For 52 years, we faced loss and terrible sports heartbreak. We handled it. Not in a pretty way, but we handled it and kept that “next year will be different” mentality. 2016 was our reward. It was God’s way of saying that not only does he love Cleveland (you really played hard to get there for awhile, my man), but that we’re the strongest, toughest, grittiest, most appreciative, humble, and hardworking people of all time. How’s that for a happy ending?

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5 Things Wrong with Social Media

I realize this blog post may be confusing to those who know me because I work in social media. It’s literally in my job title– Social Media Strategist at Rosenberg Advertising. However, nothing is perfect. Especially when it comes to the Internet. So, for my first writing challenge, I’m going to break down five things I think are completely ridiculous and wrong about social media and hopefully we can all learn something from it. Here goes nothin’.

1. It makes people self-appointed authorities and experts on any given topic.

I’ve vented about this before, but it certainly had to be number one on this list. Social media was not invented for people to morph into assholes nor does it exist for natural assholes to further asshole themselves. That sounds sexual, but you know what I mean. Whether it’s political superlatives, You’re WRONG if you think so-and-so should become President, social issue superlatives, If you were born a certain way then I can’t be friends with you and I think you’re a monster, religious superlatives (the worst kind, in my opinion), to plain old passive aggressive jabs at people, it’s making the world a worse place. Did you go to college and major in the debate team? Do you have a B.A. in aggressive content? Do you have one half to a Best Friend necklace and Jesus has the other? Didn’t think so. Enough is enough, people.

2. Cyber-bullying and exclusion.

This one goes hand-in-hand with the first, but it’s no secret to anyone that nowadays, the place to go harass people is on social media. I’m so thankful I didn’t grow up in the social media generation like kids are now. No child in this world (or adult for that matter) should have to alter their appearance or Kylie Jenner their lips just to get approval from the masses. It’s a lose-lose. The more you try, the more haters you’ll have. Also, there’s nothing worse than a Snapchat story some days. Ever have that moment when you’re watching a snap story only to realize, why the hell wasn’t I invited to this, hey those are my friends seemingly having  a great time without me, oh great someone else in the same exact time and place is adding this to their story too. I know I have and it sucks. Live in the moment, people. If I know exactly what time and what vehicle you were pre-gaming in to Dave Matthews this past weekend, you can bite me.

3. It’s too hard to explain to someone who’s not “in” it.

I run into this problem all the time at work. Clients think they need a social media account, but don’t understand why or what they want from it. I sometimes feel like I’m speaking a different language to social media newbies. The rule is simple and everyone, whether you’re a business or an individual, should stick to it: if you have nothing useful to say, you can’t inspire people, or don’t have time to dedicate to it, then don’t do it. Hire me to, or something. 😉

4. The death of spelling and grammar.

Hi. If you ever spell anything wrong or use poor grammar in front of me, I’m judging you. Hard. I’m being as transparent as I possibly can. There’s nothing worse than presenting yourself on social media with an absolutely horrible grasp of the English language. Employers are looking at your profiles, potential lovers, and well… me. And that’s scary enough. I think everyone should try to be more mindful of spelling and grammar in general, but it’s because I’m super old school and afraid we’ll lose all sense of beautiful, traditional writing.

5. You think you can’t live without it.

Can you imagine a life without social media? I can’t, only because it’s my job and if it goes away, well then so does my dignity and pride. Right out the old window. Even though social media consumes A LOT of my life, I try to be more mindful of not being on it all the time. Especially when I’m with loved ones. It’s tough and yes, FOMO (fear of missing out) is real, but sometimes it’s incredibly therapeutic to leave the phone and the computer alone for a while. You can do it. I promise. Unless you like it when people call you a wall, because that’s what it’s like talking to you in-person. For that, you’ll need additional help.

WHAT DO YOU THINK IS WRONG WITH SOCIAL MEDIA? I’D LOVE TO KNOW YOUR THOUGHTS. YES, I MEAN IT. I’M WELCOMING OPINIONS THAT MAY CONTRADICT MINE. 

Stop with the ‘Super Team,’ LeBron.

You smell that? It’s the sweet odor of playoff season in The Land.

And it sure wouldn’t be the start to a  Cleveland Cavaliers’ road to the finals without some controversy.

super team.

Raise your hand if you’re sick of hearing this phrase. Raise both hands at the same time and risk looking like a fool if you hate the fact that LeBron was the one to bring this nonsense up.

(If you want to catch my feels on the long-lost rivalry era of the NBA, read one of my older blog posts first.)

Anyway…

There’s a reason no one really cares to watch the All-Star Game for more than five minutes, LeBron. It’s not that exciting to watch alley-oop after alley-oop with no one playing any lick of defense. Which is exactly what would be the case of a ‘super team’ was ever formed.

It will never happen, but if it did due to some crazy turn of events where LeBron would appoint himself to commish because he can do that BECAUSE he’s LeBron, it would kill the true fans of the game. I’m sure your 9 year-old cousin who sports a Stephen Curry jersey just because his or her brain hasn’t fully adjusted to what it means to be an NBA fan yet, would love it, but it would honestly make me hate the sport of basketball (words I’ve never even joked around with).

From a Cleveland Cavaliers’ perspective, if you can’t get along (rumor or trumor?) with Kevin Love and Kyrie Irving, then how are you expecting to get along with Carmelo Anthony (who I’ve always thought is highly overrated, but that’s for another day), Dwyane Wade, Chris Paul, etc.? Also, none of you are getting any younger and Patrick Ewing thinks you’re stupid.

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As I’m writing this, my phone lights up with an ESPN notification that reads:

NBA: Chris Paul withdraws from Team USA consideration for 2016 Olympics- SI; “body tells me I could use the time.”

I rest my case.

So, LeBron, dearest, dearest LeBron,

Can you just do me one quick favor and STFU about this ‘super team’? If your goal is to win a championship for Cleveland, just do it already and then you can resume your silly discussions with the media.

9 more games left until the playoffs and then it’s time to get it done!

 

The Bachelor- Finale

Well here we are. Another finale that I never thought I’d live to see. I’m truly building up my tolerance to boring human beings, which I never thought I’d write as a sentence.

But then I remember I’m not part of this wretched live audience so I can end the day on a high note.

Oh and to top it all off they don’t even give Ben and the winner a chance to break up? They just have to go and get married right away because that’s what this drama-hungry audience demands?

Fine.

Who told Ben to wear skinny corduroys on a tropical island?

Lauren is first up to meet Ben’s parents.

Meanwhile his mother is trying not to vomit at the thought that her son loves two women.

Lauren’s pretty normal and not awkward at all in front of his parents. She does what any good interviewee is supposed to do. I would say she’s a valid candidate.

Side note—is Ben an only child? We need an attitude-filled sibling to be asking the hard-hitting questions in order for this to be interesting. Yes I realize I just said the show would only be exciting if an outside person, non-related to this competition would appear. Kill me.

JoJo’s up.

She’s shaking like a leaf. Like cool it girl.

But she’s earning points from her crying. That’s a true woman right there. Knowing when to use tears to her advantage 😉

Final dates have arrived.

Lauren: “He’s thinking about something and I don’t really know what.” REALLY BITCH.

Drink every time Ben says, “I don’t know.”

Lol at the Jamaican man screaming *probably* profanities to JoJo and Ben.

Like, think about it for a second. These islands are getting play because of this stupid show. There’s no way all civilians are welcoming. They’re thinking, get these white people off my island.

I’d bet my life on it.

Another thought- is there a behind-the-scenes bikini waxer that ABC provides? Anyone? Hello? That would be a necessity on my rider. Because they have to get riders at least, right?

So Ben and JoJo go into the bathroom to talk. Because that seems safe from the rest of the world?

Oooooh. Ben said he loved JoJo before he left. He didn’t say it to Lauren.

That’s my best effort at playing detective.

Neil Lane: “Seriously asshole, you made me fly down to Jamaica to waste my time in showing you engagement rings and you don’t even know who you’re picking?”

Then, Neil Lane retired from his contract with ABC.

And in a shocking turn of events, Ben chooses Chris Harrison.

That’d be an ending I’d be completely satisfied with and now I’m petitioning for the first season of #GayBachelor.

JoJo is thinking she should have gone back to her ex…I’d put money on it.

The live show gave it away. They flew out Lauren’s entire family and they only flew out JoJo’s parents because you know her brothers were not about to have that shit.

HE CALLS LAUREN’S DAD. DEAD. DEAD. BEN ACTUALLY IS LEGIT.

Name another 26 year-old that will do that.

Solidified with an all-out douche fist pump in the air, no doubt.

Also, JoJo is the new Bachelorette. No wonder she wasn’t pissed off on the live finale. Things are always easier when you get a chance at 25 pieces of fresh man meat.

The Bachelor- Episode 9

I’m counting down to the end of this godforsaken season.

And show.

Forever.

So that I can become a decent human being again.

Ben Higgins is in Jamaica, mon. And he’s reflecting…mon.

We get it, Ben. Cailia is smiley. What’s your thing? Speaking like you’re running for president, or?

Lauren doesn’t want to fall in love. Good choice coming on this show then.

JoJo. Yes, the gal is beautiful. And yes, she’s pretty. She’s cute. I don’t know how many other ways to say she’s good looking. I’m trying to lengthen this list.

And apparently when you’re in Jamaica, the only colors you’re allowed to wear are of the tropical sort.

Caila

Well this date is starting off awkwardly. Is it because they’re trying to respect the fact that actual Jamaicans raft down this river for transportation and they want to be sensitive or because they’ve run out of horrifyingly painful things to say to each other?

“It’s like I’m a 26 year-old man who’s like a little kid right now.”

Earth shattering.

“Meh. Life is so hard. I’m in Jamaica drinking out of a shaved coconut. Meh.” -Pretty much the gist of what Caila is saying.

Also I love how they can’t actually have quality time until the dinner that night. You JUST spent an entire raft ride and coconut-sipping session together offending the locals. Why couldn’t you talk then?

What do ya know? Caila is in a totally different mood at dinner. She obviously thought about that fantasy suite.

Side note: They’ve got to stop going to these tropical islands during the last few dates. The guys are ALWAYS sweating so uncontrollably. It’s not cute.

One of these days I want the date card to actually be in a box and then have it be a, well you, know. A “date” in a box.

I have a feeling Caila won’t be so smiley when this show is over, even though their overnight when swimmingly.

Lauren

We can drop the B. now right?

We upgrade from a raft to a rowboat.

THEY GET TO RELEASE A NEST OF SEA TURTLES?

Okay, already Lauren is drumfing Caila’s date. 😉

“This is one of my dreams.”

DOUBT IT, LAUREN. DOUBT IT. Guarantee your imagination is not that creative that releasing a nest of sea turtles has been on your dream list.

Awkward white people at this local Jamaican concert.

Lauren tries playing it all coy and then of course accepts the fantasy suite. Like, why wouldn’t you? And then she eventually spits out that she loves him. I’ve never heard a more dead-voiced way of someone telling someone they love them.

AND BEN DROPS THE BIG KAHUNA BACK TO HER. Woah. A touch of excitement in this season, if you will.

But like, what if that all just happened and the sex was bad?

JoJo

In all realness though, I’d be pissed if I were Lauren. Like oh, you just told me you loved me but are about to go on a date with someone else. Why?

Helicopter. The best form of transportation we’ve seen thus far.

Um yeah, my bathing suit would have flown off jumping into that body of water. JoJo must have superglued that top onto her ta ta’s.

Ermagherd. JoJo loves Ben and BEN LOVES JOJO TOO.

Sorry, Caila. I could feel this one coming.

And the third fantasy suite is a charm.

The end is near…

Ugh, poor, smiley Caila.

She, um, decides to awkwardly surprise him the morning after, well, all of his morning-afters.

Chrissy Teigen can take all of my facial expressions from here:

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The Bachelor- Episode 8

Eight weeks in and I’m still writing. I belong on Survivor.

It’s time for home towns.

Amanda

Laguna Beach. I’d pick her just for the location.

I don’t know if they decided to film this at 5 a.m. because Ben looks like he just awoke from a long slumber. Not in a I Woke Up Like Dis way, either.

Mmmk. Her kids are adorable.

Kids are also “shy” a.k.a horribly terrified of Ben’s short shorts.

Amanda’s family is so boring that all I’m doing is wondering how much their house costs and what they do for a living. The least they could have done was offer poor Ben a beer. Sheesh.

Lauren B.

Portland, Oregon. Fine.

The hipsters in town are curiously questioning Ben’s blazer choice.

They do Portland things and Lauren is so nervous about him meeting her family.

THAT’S NEVER HAPPENED BEFORE ON HOME TOWNS. WEIRD.

Let’s talk shit about our sister/daughter and then scream with excitement when she comes in like a bunch of fake assholes. Ready, fam?

If I were Lauren’s sister and Ben started crying in front of me, I think (I know) I would laugh?

AND HE CRIES IN FRONT OF HER DAD? Tony Calanni would make an inappropriate joke and make him feel so awk he would regret ever coming on the show.

Lauren decides not to tell Ben she’s in love with him. So good times. The worst kind of regret is Bachelor regret. Right? Has to be. Hands down.

No.

Caila

Wadddupppp Hudson, Ohio!

Look at how cute autumn does its thing in the CLE.

Not gonna lie. Thought the Step2 facility would look a little (a lot) more baller.

Wait. I take that back. These machines are baller.

Um hi. Now I want to build MY own toys.

What’s funny is that Caila’s dad looks really indifferent to Filipino cuisine.

Let me just say, God bless Caila’s mother and her grown ass woman braces and Caila’s dad and his grown ass man orange chinos.

Caila says she’s going to tell Ben she loves him and then… DOESN’T.

Chris Harrison didn’t lie when he said this was the most unpredictable, shocking season yet. [insert rolling eyes emoji]

JoJo

Dallas, Texas. Yee- freakin-haw.

Everyone has been so. damn. boring. so far.

Ummmmmmm. Until now. When JoJo gets a letter from her ex. With roses.

Solid stupid boy move. Don’t know what ya got ’til it’s gone.

Lol. I wish every guy reacted the way Ben did in these types of situations. Unless he’s lying, in which case, fine. You don’t want to look like an asshole on television.

Do all of these girls have rich families?! Is this why they can get away with just “leaving” work for months at a time?

Um obviously the good family genes only went to one sister…

JoJo’s brothers though… thumbs up.

Can JoJo’s mom have her own show? Please?

This home town couldn’t have gone any worse. Finally, a moment of realness on this stupid show.

ROSE CEREMONY

Hello to JoJo’s dress.

Bye to Caila’s dress.

We say for real bye to Amanda, which. Predictable.

The good news is that her kids won’t remember it. But like, this is what home videos are now, so. #MillennialsWhoHaveMillennials

 

 

 

 

 

The Bachelor- Episode 7

Sorry for the delay. I watched the idiotic GRAMMY’s last night. Dare I say The Bachelor is better television?

We’re in Ben’s hometown in Indiana. They’re making him drive around in an old pickup truck as if Indiana is in the middle of nowhere. And here comes the slow burn of all of Ben’s memories in the good ol’ city of Warsaw. Not to be confused with the capital of Poland.

His parents are listening to him go on and on about these girls wondering “where did we fail in raising this son of ours?”

Did anyone catch the moment where Caila tries to stop the speedboat Ben is driving in? If you missed it, be thankful.

ONE-ON-ONE

Lauren B.

Everyone is jealous that she got asked out in-person by Ben and not on a card, “like normal.”

Ben’s church is the size of a hotel so I question whether or not he’s a Scientologist.

Lauren looks terrified upon Ben suggesting they participate in activities at the youth center. Ben, meanwhile, is sweating from head to toe.

AND THEN PAUL GEORGE AND GEORGE HILL SHOW UP. Bye. I’d be dead and Lauren B. doesn’t appreciate a single second. She claims she’s star struck but her facial expression doesn’t change even for a second. I WOULD BE CRYING.

Ben and Lauren B. give us a total of zero voice inflections during their dinner conversation.

I think to myself, if I ever had to bring a guy to “my” local dive bar, would it be the memory and structure of what was once Wing Warehouse?

ONE-ON-ONE

JoJo. Let’s find love in the “windy city.” I hope this means they actually go to Chicago or does Ben think his city does it all?

Chicago confirmed.

JoJo says “Ben” like “Bin” and it’s not a cute southern trait IMO.

One of Ben’s favorite sports teams is the Chicago Cubs. I appreciate his ability to have taken in sports misery like a Cleveland fan.

“What is this?” -JoJo
“Oh, this is the scoreboard.” -Ben, stating the obvious.

Another dull ass conversation with the broken record, JoJo, about how scared she is and the other broken record, Ben, about how reassuring he is.

Bye.

GROUP DATE

Amanda, Caila, Becca.

They are driving boats, sort of.

Becca is confused by it, but what else is new?

And she also keeps complaining about how horrible these group dates are. WHY DID YOU EVER COME BACK TO THIS SHOW AND WHO LET YOU BACK ,YOU ANNOYING LOONEY TOON?!

Well I know who I’m not going to hire Caila to represent Cleveland any time soon. Damn, Gina, you could at least throw us a compliment.

Ben gives the group date rose to Amanda and they continue on to another date.

WAIT. Ben takes Amanda to McDonald’s because it’s a normal thing for him to do. Does anyone know how much I love McDonald’s? I consider a Big Mac it’s own group on the food pyramid. Damnit, Ben. You’re perfect.

I’m not going to lie. I hate how Amanda talks so I fast forwarded through the rest of their date. It looks like they finish off the night at a carnival. Fantastically stimulating.

ONE-ON-ONE

Emily, the twin.

Ben does not look like he cares about this date at all.

He takes her to meet his parents.

Which is working against Emily because she comes across as really stupid.

And guess what? He sends her home. I wonder if there’s a pool in Vegas (ironically enough her hometown) that I could have put money down on the fact that she wouldn’t win.

ROSE CEREMONY

Ben is crying.

Becca goes home. Thank God. And it goes without saying. DON’T COME BACK.

The Bachelor- Episode 6

In case you forgot (which I did), we’re left on a cliffhanger to see if Ben will revoke Olivia’s rose.

Girl-on-girl crime is all about getting, or not getting roses. Catch up Ben.

“I like reading books in my room and thinking.” -Olivia. Let’s focus on “thinking.” When you say “thinking” do you really mean “plotting?”

To sum it up: Olivia stays.

I hate when rose ceremonies happen at the beginning of the show. It really leaves a glooming feeling on the rest of the- HAHA yeah right. It’s great. At least we know the upcoming two hours of misery will be without one desperate fool in the mix.

The moment Emily the Twin breaks away from Hailey the Twin it’s as if someone told her to stand for something. I’ll tell you what- she needs to cool it and stop talking because we know nothing about her except that she’s from Vegas and IS A TWIN.

Jennifer goes home. I don’t really care. Also- we’re the same age and she makes me look like I’m 12 so.

Can a Brunette Survive Up in This Bitch is the new name of the show.

Now they venture to the Bahamas. *Thinks back to 2012 Spring Break and sighs*

ONE-ON-ONE

Caila (again).

The date card says “reel” instead of “real” and collectively we figure out: OH MY GOD THERE’S FISHING IN THE BAHAMAS. #Islands

Leah (who we see from time to time) is upset because she hasn’t come within 500 feet of Ben since arriving. I feel you girl.

One of Ben’s favorite activities is deep sea fishing? I didn’t know that could take place in Denver or Indiana.

Leah, back at the hotel, is still visibly upset while we flip back and forth to watching Caila reel in giant fish. It’s not like you’ll run into him anywhere after this… wait. You’re from Denver too, jk lolz. Go out with some dignity girl, come on.

Well now Caila is being confusing, all still while smiling, so that’s uncomfortable. She feels like she loves him but cant completely fall in love. I get it, but will the millions of bafoons watching this show get it?

Olivia calls Emily young upon learning that they are the two going on the two-on-one date this week. They’re the same age for all y’all mathematicians out there.

It ends well for Caila. Her being confusing is somehow more attractive to Ben. *ALL OTHER MEN ON THIS EARTH, TAKE NOTES*

GROUP DATE

The date is to chill on a boat, T-pain and Lonely Island style.

Jk it’s Ben’s other pretend favorite activity– feeding pigs in paradiiiisseeee!

Lauren B. refers to a group of pigs as a clan, so that’s wrong.

Ben loves her though. Her and her oddly-shaped bathing suit bottom.

Becca, with all that peanut butter on the roof of her mouth is talking. It must be sooooo hard to be on this show twice.

Leah then tries throwing Lauren B. under the bus for no reason at all. Nice try and then she’s lying about it on national television. The Women Tell All won’t be fun for you, I’m thinking.

After the group date, Leah isn’t finished and goes on a fun secret mission to further her lie. BEN HAS HAD ENOUGH. Bye, Leah.

TWO-ON-ONE

With twin and satan. I thought of that one all by myself.

Satan proclaims her love for Ben. Ugh.

And twin says a lot of short phrases.

BEN SENDS OLIVIA HOME. OMG. He takes her away with a rose and then doesn’t give it to her. OUCH. And then she has to watch them boat away while she gets devoured by waves and we never see her again… major plot twist ABC.

Straight to the rose ceremony. Thank goodness.

He calls Becca’s name first. A lady says “yes” when accepting a rose, Becca. Not “yeah,” like a hillbilly.

We say goodbye to Lauren H. and her strong Midwestern accent.

We also get a preview to the rest of the season where it appears Ben sends the person home he actually wants to end up with. I knew you were a true guy’s guy at heart, Ben. It was only a matter of time.

 

 

 

The Bachelor- Episode 5

Disappointed this trip to Mexico didn’t involve hunting for El Chapo because I guarantee Olivia would have found that fool long before Sean Penn.

I digress.

“Mexico City is a great place to fall in love,” says Ben, who gets paid to say that by ABC, and who mustn’t forget that falling in love isn’t cute if you drink the water.

There’s a lot of mumbo jumbo at the beginning of this episode but Olivia says something funny: “He doesn’t validate people the way he validates me.” Pretty sure there’s a different between forcing someone to validate you and just letting it happen naturally, but hey, what do I know?

ONE-ON-ONE

Amanda. The mom with the glass-shattering voice.

Ben thinks it will be cute to wake up the girls before he takes Amanda on their date. This ends in us learning that Lauren H. sleeps with a retainer and alas, so does Ben.

Amanda, on the other hand, was either told by producers to look beautiful upon waking up or she’s foolish for sleeping in makeup. You’re a mother of two daughters, Amanda. Set a good example please.

Amanda and Ben go hot air ballooning. Big whoop.

If he gets sick of her voice does he just jump, or…?

Then they go on a picnic in an open field in Mexico. I would not want to be caught dead in an open field in Mexico. What kind of budget did ABC have this year?

Amanda says “like” more times than any mom should and the date is over.

GROUP DATE

Jubilee is not representing her name well, as she states she’s not very good at competing with girls for Ben’s love. Hello, Jubilee, and welcome to what is THE BACHELOR.

The girls start off taking Spanish class and then they head to a market where they will be cooking said Spanish ingredients they just learned how to say.

In case anyone didn’t know what a market was, JoJo explains it as “a place where you can buy all kinds of foods.” Riveting, JoJo. Riveting.

Plot twist– Olivia partners up with Ben like they’re about to embark on Noah’s Ark and Ben couldn’t look more terrified.

If Ben is really giving Olivia mint because her breath is rank, I applaud him for days to come.

At this point, we learn 90% of the girls are terrible cooks and that Lauren B. really seems like the front-runner. In a shocking turn of events, Ben eliminates Jubilee because she just can’t shake her ‘tude. No worries though, Ben. Her entire family died in Haiti, but other girls here are visibly shaken by their willingness to come on a show and be emotional. #Empathy

JoJo, who continues to play the strategy of stupidity, interrupts Ben as he’s trying to explain to the ladies why Jubilee left. He never finishes. #ThatsWhatSheSaid

Olivia also gets the group date rose which is a shocker to anyone who knows her, personally and on reality television.

ONE-ON-ONE

Lauren H. and her goddamn Midwestern accent that goes too far.

They get to shop at the place where El Chapo bought his infamous capture blouse and then wait. It’s MEXICAN FASHION WEEK SO THEY GET TO WALK IN THE SHOW. Must be really important if they let Bachelor contestants participate.

This date bores me.

COCKTAIL PARTY

Olivia continues to prove herself as an asshole, through and through when she calls Amanda a ‘teen mom.’

Which turns out to be funny because Emily the twin starts getting really worked up about it. She wasn’t even involved in the conversation and she starts hysterically crying. Come to think of it, has Olivia ever even spoken to Emily?

We end the episode with a  To be continued… because Ben pretends like he’s going to take Olivia’s rose away when the girls confront him about her.

NOTHING LIKE BACHELOR SUSPENSE.

The Bachelor- Episode 4

Bear with me on this one. It was not the most eventful episode. In fact it made me question ever watching the show again. But that would mean that I’d be lying to myself.

Vegas Baby!

Waiting for Leslie Chow to come out and kill some bitches. If you don’t know who Leslie Chow is, shame on you, bittchhheesssss.

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ONE-ON-ONE

JoJo. Still haven’t forgiven you for your lack of geographical skills, so. I also question from time to time whether JoJo should give bangs a try.

[The twins are stoked that they’re from Vegas, yet no one seems to care.]

Wait. Ben and JoJo get to go on a helicopter?! GET OUT OF TOWN. This only happens every episode.

Cue the weirdest scenario ever. The helicopter blows away the champagne table and then JoJo and Ben start kissing behind it? Not really romantic considering your faces could have just gotten tore up, but hey. Get the moments in where you can.

Ben staring at JoJo on this date is making my neck hurt.

Then they gawk at fireworks… lol. Like what was this date?

GROUP DATE

Mental note: Amber really loves that jean jacket.

Oh Christ, these girls have to do a talent show.

“Ladies, raise your hand if you have a talent.”

No hands risen.

The twins Irish dance. So good for them.

Jubilee plays the cello. Real and wonderful.

We have jugglers, hula hoopers, belly dancers, chickens…

…And then Olivia. Who thinks this is a strip show. I feel really super embarrassed for this chick. Like her master plan was to dance terribly? She might have ruined these miserable talent show group dates for seasons to come.

Then she goes and has a panic attack. What happens in Vegas, stays on my DVR Olivia. Duh.

It’s okay Olivia. It’s not like you have fugly toes or cankles or anything…

These stills on Olivia just biting her finger make me want to throw up. And your romper tonight sucks, boo boo. I AM ANTI-OLIVIA, PEOPLE.

And here she comes creeping in to interrupt more conversations because she talks herself in insecure circles. Ben smells the stage 5-ness.

Lauren B. gets the group date rose and Olivia is one second away from ripping off her maternity romper.

ONE-ON-ONE

Becca. Who I still don’t get the hype on. She talks like she has peanut butter on the roof of her mouth. Name that movie. 😉

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A wedding dress arrives before she goes on the date. Everyone is jealous.

Jubilee starts throwing shade at Becca’s virginity which makes my day because this episode sucks so far.

They’re gonna marry people in Vegas! Which is actually pretty baller.

But I’d be pissed to look back on this memory, tarnished by the Bachelor franchise that has so beautifully ruined all of our lives.

Ben then takes Becca to the famous neon museum and she’s confused. I mean… kill me now. This is starting to be the longest two hours of my life.

Then in a crazy turn of events, Ben takes the unbearable twins on a two-on-one date. Is it possible they both get eliminated or is Santa still “off” until the next holiday season?

He takes them home. Literally. To their mom. Ha, and hopefully leaves them there.

Haley has pictures of her and her ex-boyfriend in her bedroom so that’s awkward.

Needless to say, she gets eliminated.

COCKTAIL PARTY/ROSE CEREMONY

There goes Olivia again. Oy to the vey.

Now I feel sorry for those who have to watch her on the news.

She dropped the L word, too, oh snap!

WERE YOU NOT YOURSELF THIS WEEK OLIVIA IT DIDN’T SOUND CLEAR.

Goodbye to Amber and Rachel, but once again Olivia gets the last rose. Interesting Ben, interesting.

Amber proceeds to go and cry in the unlit area of pool chairs which is sad and hilarious. Please learn your lesson and never come on a Bachelor-related show again, Amber.