The Bachelor- Finale

Well here we are. Another finale that I never thought I’d live to see. I’m truly building up my tolerance to boring human beings, which I never thought I’d write as a sentence.

But then I remember I’m not part of this wretched live audience so I can end the day on a high note.

Oh and to top it all off they don’t even give Ben and the winner a chance to break up? They just have to go and get married right away because that’s what this drama-hungry audience demands?

Fine.

Who told Ben to wear skinny corduroys on a tropical island?

Lauren is first up to meet Ben’s parents.

Meanwhile his mother is trying not to vomit at the thought that her son loves two women.

Lauren’s pretty normal and not awkward at all in front of his parents. She does what any good interviewee is supposed to do. I would say she’s a valid candidate.

Side note—is Ben an only child? We need an attitude-filled sibling to be asking the hard-hitting questions in order for this to be interesting. Yes I realize I just said the show would only be exciting if an outside person, non-related to this competition would appear. Kill me.

JoJo’s up.

She’s shaking like a leaf. Like cool it girl.

But she’s earning points from her crying. That’s a true woman right there. Knowing when to use tears to her advantage 😉

Final dates have arrived.

Lauren: “He’s thinking about something and I don’t really know what.” REALLY BITCH.

Drink every time Ben says, “I don’t know.”

Lol at the Jamaican man screaming *probably* profanities to JoJo and Ben.

Like, think about it for a second. These islands are getting play because of this stupid show. There’s no way all civilians are welcoming. They’re thinking, get these white people off my island.

I’d bet my life on it.

Another thought- is there a behind-the-scenes bikini waxer that ABC provides? Anyone? Hello? That would be a necessity on my rider. Because they have to get riders at least, right?

So Ben and JoJo go into the bathroom to talk. Because that seems safe from the rest of the world?

Oooooh. Ben said he loved JoJo before he left. He didn’t say it to Lauren.

That’s my best effort at playing detective.

Neil Lane: “Seriously asshole, you made me fly down to Jamaica to waste my time in showing you engagement rings and you don’t even know who you’re picking?”

Then, Neil Lane retired from his contract with ABC.

And in a shocking turn of events, Ben chooses Chris Harrison.

That’d be an ending I’d be completely satisfied with and now I’m petitioning for the first season of #GayBachelor.

JoJo is thinking she should have gone back to her ex…I’d put money on it.

The live show gave it away. They flew out Lauren’s entire family and they only flew out JoJo’s parents because you know her brothers were not about to have that shit.

HE CALLS LAUREN’S DAD. DEAD. DEAD. BEN ACTUALLY IS LEGIT.

Name another 26 year-old that will do that.

Solidified with an all-out douche fist pump in the air, no doubt.

Also, JoJo is the new Bachelorette. No wonder she wasn’t pissed off on the live finale. Things are always easier when you get a chance at 25 pieces of fresh man meat.

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The Bachelor- Episode 9

I’m counting down to the end of this godforsaken season.

And show.

Forever.

So that I can become a decent human being again.

Ben Higgins is in Jamaica, mon. And he’s reflecting…mon.

We get it, Ben. Cailia is smiley. What’s your thing? Speaking like you’re running for president, or?

Lauren doesn’t want to fall in love. Good choice coming on this show then.

JoJo. Yes, the gal is beautiful. And yes, she’s pretty. She’s cute. I don’t know how many other ways to say she’s good looking. I’m trying to lengthen this list.

And apparently when you’re in Jamaica, the only colors you’re allowed to wear are of the tropical sort.

Caila

Well this date is starting off awkwardly. Is it because they’re trying to respect the fact that actual Jamaicans raft down this river for transportation and they want to be sensitive or because they’ve run out of horrifyingly painful things to say to each other?

“It’s like I’m a 26 year-old man who’s like a little kid right now.”

Earth shattering.

“Meh. Life is so hard. I’m in Jamaica drinking out of a shaved coconut. Meh.” -Pretty much the gist of what Caila is saying.

Also I love how they can’t actually have quality time until the dinner that night. You JUST spent an entire raft ride and coconut-sipping session together offending the locals. Why couldn’t you talk then?

What do ya know? Caila is in a totally different mood at dinner. She obviously thought about that fantasy suite.

Side note: They’ve got to stop going to these tropical islands during the last few dates. The guys are ALWAYS sweating so uncontrollably. It’s not cute.

One of these days I want the date card to actually be in a box and then have it be a, well you, know. A “date” in a box.

I have a feeling Caila won’t be so smiley when this show is over, even though their overnight when swimmingly.

Lauren

We can drop the B. now right?

We upgrade from a raft to a rowboat.

THEY GET TO RELEASE A NEST OF SEA TURTLES?

Okay, already Lauren is drumfing Caila’s date. 😉

“This is one of my dreams.”

DOUBT IT, LAUREN. DOUBT IT. Guarantee your imagination is not that creative that releasing a nest of sea turtles has been on your dream list.

Awkward white people at this local Jamaican concert.

Lauren tries playing it all coy and then of course accepts the fantasy suite. Like, why wouldn’t you? And then she eventually spits out that she loves him. I’ve never heard a more dead-voiced way of someone telling someone they love them.

AND BEN DROPS THE BIG KAHUNA BACK TO HER. Woah. A touch of excitement in this season, if you will.

But like, what if that all just happened and the sex was bad?

JoJo

In all realness though, I’d be pissed if I were Lauren. Like oh, you just told me you loved me but are about to go on a date with someone else. Why?

Helicopter. The best form of transportation we’ve seen thus far.

Um yeah, my bathing suit would have flown off jumping into that body of water. JoJo must have superglued that top onto her ta ta’s.

Ermagherd. JoJo loves Ben and BEN LOVES JOJO TOO.

Sorry, Caila. I could feel this one coming.

And the third fantasy suite is a charm.

The end is near…

Ugh, poor, smiley Caila.

She, um, decides to awkwardly surprise him the morning after, well, all of his morning-afters.

Chrissy Teigen can take all of my facial expressions from here:

chrissy-teigen.jpg

 

 

 

The Bachelor- Episode 8

Eight weeks in and I’m still writing. I belong on Survivor.

It’s time for home towns.

Amanda

Laguna Beach. I’d pick her just for the location.

I don’t know if they decided to film this at 5 a.m. because Ben looks like he just awoke from a long slumber. Not in a I Woke Up Like Dis way, either.

Mmmk. Her kids are adorable.

Kids are also “shy” a.k.a horribly terrified of Ben’s short shorts.

Amanda’s family is so boring that all I’m doing is wondering how much their house costs and what they do for a living. The least they could have done was offer poor Ben a beer. Sheesh.

Lauren B.

Portland, Oregon. Fine.

The hipsters in town are curiously questioning Ben’s blazer choice.

They do Portland things and Lauren is so nervous about him meeting her family.

THAT’S NEVER HAPPENED BEFORE ON HOME TOWNS. WEIRD.

Let’s talk shit about our sister/daughter and then scream with excitement when she comes in like a bunch of fake assholes. Ready, fam?

If I were Lauren’s sister and Ben started crying in front of me, I think (I know) I would laugh?

AND HE CRIES IN FRONT OF HER DAD? Tony Calanni would make an inappropriate joke and make him feel so awk he would regret ever coming on the show.

Lauren decides not to tell Ben she’s in love with him. So good times. The worst kind of regret is Bachelor regret. Right? Has to be. Hands down.

No.

Caila

Wadddupppp Hudson, Ohio!

Look at how cute autumn does its thing in the CLE.

Not gonna lie. Thought the Step2 facility would look a little (a lot) more baller.

Wait. I take that back. These machines are baller.

Um hi. Now I want to build MY own toys.

What’s funny is that Caila’s dad looks really indifferent to Filipino cuisine.

Let me just say, God bless Caila’s mother and her grown ass woman braces and Caila’s dad and his grown ass man orange chinos.

Caila says she’s going to tell Ben she loves him and then… DOESN’T.

Chris Harrison didn’t lie when he said this was the most unpredictable, shocking season yet. [insert rolling eyes emoji]

JoJo

Dallas, Texas. Yee- freakin-haw.

Everyone has been so. damn. boring. so far.

Ummmmmmm. Until now. When JoJo gets a letter from her ex. With roses.

Solid stupid boy move. Don’t know what ya got ’til it’s gone.

Lol. I wish every guy reacted the way Ben did in these types of situations. Unless he’s lying, in which case, fine. You don’t want to look like an asshole on television.

Do all of these girls have rich families?! Is this why they can get away with just “leaving” work for months at a time?

Um obviously the good family genes only went to one sister…

JoJo’s brothers though… thumbs up.

Can JoJo’s mom have her own show? Please?

This home town couldn’t have gone any worse. Finally, a moment of realness on this stupid show.

ROSE CEREMONY

Hello to JoJo’s dress.

Bye to Caila’s dress.

We say for real bye to Amanda, which. Predictable.

The good news is that her kids won’t remember it. But like, this is what home videos are now, so. #MillennialsWhoHaveMillennials

 

 

 

 

 

The Bachelor- Episode 7

Sorry for the delay. I watched the idiotic GRAMMY’s last night. Dare I say The Bachelor is better television?

We’re in Ben’s hometown in Indiana. They’re making him drive around in an old pickup truck as if Indiana is in the middle of nowhere. And here comes the slow burn of all of Ben’s memories in the good ol’ city of Warsaw. Not to be confused with the capital of Poland.

His parents are listening to him go on and on about these girls wondering “where did we fail in raising this son of ours?”

Did anyone catch the moment where Caila tries to stop the speedboat Ben is driving in? If you missed it, be thankful.

ONE-ON-ONE

Lauren B.

Everyone is jealous that she got asked out in-person by Ben and not on a card, “like normal.”

Ben’s church is the size of a hotel so I question whether or not he’s a Scientologist.

Lauren looks terrified upon Ben suggesting they participate in activities at the youth center. Ben, meanwhile, is sweating from head to toe.

AND THEN PAUL GEORGE AND GEORGE HILL SHOW UP. Bye. I’d be dead and Lauren B. doesn’t appreciate a single second. She claims she’s star struck but her facial expression doesn’t change even for a second. I WOULD BE CRYING.

Ben and Lauren B. give us a total of zero voice inflections during their dinner conversation.

I think to myself, if I ever had to bring a guy to “my” local dive bar, would it be the memory and structure of what was once Wing Warehouse?

ONE-ON-ONE

JoJo. Let’s find love in the “windy city.” I hope this means they actually go to Chicago or does Ben think his city does it all?

Chicago confirmed.

JoJo says “Ben” like “Bin” and it’s not a cute southern trait IMO.

One of Ben’s favorite sports teams is the Chicago Cubs. I appreciate his ability to have taken in sports misery like a Cleveland fan.

“What is this?” -JoJo
“Oh, this is the scoreboard.” -Ben, stating the obvious.

Another dull ass conversation with the broken record, JoJo, about how scared she is and the other broken record, Ben, about how reassuring he is.

Bye.

GROUP DATE

Amanda, Caila, Becca.

They are driving boats, sort of.

Becca is confused by it, but what else is new?

And she also keeps complaining about how horrible these group dates are. WHY DID YOU EVER COME BACK TO THIS SHOW AND WHO LET YOU BACK ,YOU ANNOYING LOONEY TOON?!

Well I know who I’m not going to hire Caila to represent Cleveland any time soon. Damn, Gina, you could at least throw us a compliment.

Ben gives the group date rose to Amanda and they continue on to another date.

WAIT. Ben takes Amanda to McDonald’s because it’s a normal thing for him to do. Does anyone know how much I love McDonald’s? I consider a Big Mac it’s own group on the food pyramid. Damnit, Ben. You’re perfect.

I’m not going to lie. I hate how Amanda talks so I fast forwarded through the rest of their date. It looks like they finish off the night at a carnival. Fantastically stimulating.

ONE-ON-ONE

Emily, the twin.

Ben does not look like he cares about this date at all.

He takes her to meet his parents.

Which is working against Emily because she comes across as really stupid.

And guess what? He sends her home. I wonder if there’s a pool in Vegas (ironically enough her hometown) that I could have put money down on the fact that she wouldn’t win.

ROSE CEREMONY

Ben is crying.

Becca goes home. Thank God. And it goes without saying. DON’T COME BACK.

The Bachelor- Episode 6

In case you forgot (which I did), we’re left on a cliffhanger to see if Ben will revoke Olivia’s rose.

Girl-on-girl crime is all about getting, or not getting roses. Catch up Ben.

“I like reading books in my room and thinking.” -Olivia. Let’s focus on “thinking.” When you say “thinking” do you really mean “plotting?”

To sum it up: Olivia stays.

I hate when rose ceremonies happen at the beginning of the show. It really leaves a glooming feeling on the rest of the- HAHA yeah right. It’s great. At least we know the upcoming two hours of misery will be without one desperate fool in the mix.

The moment Emily the Twin breaks away from Hailey the Twin it’s as if someone told her to stand for something. I’ll tell you what- she needs to cool it and stop talking because we know nothing about her except that she’s from Vegas and IS A TWIN.

Jennifer goes home. I don’t really care. Also- we’re the same age and she makes me look like I’m 12 so.

Can a Brunette Survive Up in This Bitch is the new name of the show.

Now they venture to the Bahamas. *Thinks back to 2012 Spring Break and sighs*

ONE-ON-ONE

Caila (again).

The date card says “reel” instead of “real” and collectively we figure out: OH MY GOD THERE’S FISHING IN THE BAHAMAS. #Islands

Leah (who we see from time to time) is upset because she hasn’t come within 500 feet of Ben since arriving. I feel you girl.

One of Ben’s favorite activities is deep sea fishing? I didn’t know that could take place in Denver or Indiana.

Leah, back at the hotel, is still visibly upset while we flip back and forth to watching Caila reel in giant fish. It’s not like you’ll run into him anywhere after this… wait. You’re from Denver too, jk lolz. Go out with some dignity girl, come on.

Well now Caila is being confusing, all still while smiling, so that’s uncomfortable. She feels like she loves him but cant completely fall in love. I get it, but will the millions of bafoons watching this show get it?

Olivia calls Emily young upon learning that they are the two going on the two-on-one date this week. They’re the same age for all y’all mathematicians out there.

It ends well for Caila. Her being confusing is somehow more attractive to Ben. *ALL OTHER MEN ON THIS EARTH, TAKE NOTES*

GROUP DATE

The date is to chill on a boat, T-pain and Lonely Island style.

Jk it’s Ben’s other pretend favorite activity– feeding pigs in paradiiiisseeee!

Lauren B. refers to a group of pigs as a clan, so that’s wrong.

Ben loves her though. Her and her oddly-shaped bathing suit bottom.

Becca, with all that peanut butter on the roof of her mouth is talking. It must be sooooo hard to be on this show twice.

Leah then tries throwing Lauren B. under the bus for no reason at all. Nice try and then she’s lying about it on national television. The Women Tell All won’t be fun for you, I’m thinking.

After the group date, Leah isn’t finished and goes on a fun secret mission to further her lie. BEN HAS HAD ENOUGH. Bye, Leah.

TWO-ON-ONE

With twin and satan. I thought of that one all by myself.

Satan proclaims her love for Ben. Ugh.

And twin says a lot of short phrases.

BEN SENDS OLIVIA HOME. OMG. He takes her away with a rose and then doesn’t give it to her. OUCH. And then she has to watch them boat away while she gets devoured by waves and we never see her again… major plot twist ABC.

Straight to the rose ceremony. Thank goodness.

He calls Becca’s name first. A lady says “yes” when accepting a rose, Becca. Not “yeah,” like a hillbilly.

We say goodbye to Lauren H. and her strong Midwestern accent.

We also get a preview to the rest of the season where it appears Ben sends the person home he actually wants to end up with. I knew you were a true guy’s guy at heart, Ben. It was only a matter of time.

 

 

 

The Bachelor- Episode 5

Disappointed this trip to Mexico didn’t involve hunting for El Chapo because I guarantee Olivia would have found that fool long before Sean Penn.

I digress.

“Mexico City is a great place to fall in love,” says Ben, who gets paid to say that by ABC, and who mustn’t forget that falling in love isn’t cute if you drink the water.

There’s a lot of mumbo jumbo at the beginning of this episode but Olivia says something funny: “He doesn’t validate people the way he validates me.” Pretty sure there’s a different between forcing someone to validate you and just letting it happen naturally, but hey, what do I know?

ONE-ON-ONE

Amanda. The mom with the glass-shattering voice.

Ben thinks it will be cute to wake up the girls before he takes Amanda on their date. This ends in us learning that Lauren H. sleeps with a retainer and alas, so does Ben.

Amanda, on the other hand, was either told by producers to look beautiful upon waking up or she’s foolish for sleeping in makeup. You’re a mother of two daughters, Amanda. Set a good example please.

Amanda and Ben go hot air ballooning. Big whoop.

If he gets sick of her voice does he just jump, or…?

Then they go on a picnic in an open field in Mexico. I would not want to be caught dead in an open field in Mexico. What kind of budget did ABC have this year?

Amanda says “like” more times than any mom should and the date is over.

GROUP DATE

Jubilee is not representing her name well, as she states she’s not very good at competing with girls for Ben’s love. Hello, Jubilee, and welcome to what is THE BACHELOR.

The girls start off taking Spanish class and then they head to a market where they will be cooking said Spanish ingredients they just learned how to say.

In case anyone didn’t know what a market was, JoJo explains it as “a place where you can buy all kinds of foods.” Riveting, JoJo. Riveting.

Plot twist– Olivia partners up with Ben like they’re about to embark on Noah’s Ark and Ben couldn’t look more terrified.

If Ben is really giving Olivia mint because her breath is rank, I applaud him for days to come.

At this point, we learn 90% of the girls are terrible cooks and that Lauren B. really seems like the front-runner. In a shocking turn of events, Ben eliminates Jubilee because she just can’t shake her ‘tude. No worries though, Ben. Her entire family died in Haiti, but other girls here are visibly shaken by their willingness to come on a show and be emotional. #Empathy

JoJo, who continues to play the strategy of stupidity, interrupts Ben as he’s trying to explain to the ladies why Jubilee left. He never finishes. #ThatsWhatSheSaid

Olivia also gets the group date rose which is a shocker to anyone who knows her, personally and on reality television.

ONE-ON-ONE

Lauren H. and her goddamn Midwestern accent that goes too far.

They get to shop at the place where El Chapo bought his infamous capture blouse and then wait. It’s MEXICAN FASHION WEEK SO THEY GET TO WALK IN THE SHOW. Must be really important if they let Bachelor contestants participate.

This date bores me.

COCKTAIL PARTY

Olivia continues to prove herself as an asshole, through and through when she calls Amanda a ‘teen mom.’

Which turns out to be funny because Emily the twin starts getting really worked up about it. She wasn’t even involved in the conversation and she starts hysterically crying. Come to think of it, has Olivia ever even spoken to Emily?

We end the episode with a  To be continued… because Ben pretends like he’s going to take Olivia’s rose away when the girls confront him about her.

NOTHING LIKE BACHELOR SUSPENSE.

The Bachelor- Episode 4

Bear with me on this one. It was not the most eventful episode. In fact it made me question ever watching the show again. But that would mean that I’d be lying to myself.

Vegas Baby!

Waiting for Leslie Chow to come out and kill some bitches. If you don’t know who Leslie Chow is, shame on you, bittchhheesssss.

giphy

ONE-ON-ONE

JoJo. Still haven’t forgiven you for your lack of geographical skills, so. I also question from time to time whether JoJo should give bangs a try.

[The twins are stoked that they’re from Vegas, yet no one seems to care.]

Wait. Ben and JoJo get to go on a helicopter?! GET OUT OF TOWN. This only happens every episode.

Cue the weirdest scenario ever. The helicopter blows away the champagne table and then JoJo and Ben start kissing behind it? Not really romantic considering your faces could have just gotten tore up, but hey. Get the moments in where you can.

Ben staring at JoJo on this date is making my neck hurt.

Then they gawk at fireworks… lol. Like what was this date?

GROUP DATE

Mental note: Amber really loves that jean jacket.

Oh Christ, these girls have to do a talent show.

“Ladies, raise your hand if you have a talent.”

No hands risen.

The twins Irish dance. So good for them.

Jubilee plays the cello. Real and wonderful.

We have jugglers, hula hoopers, belly dancers, chickens…

…And then Olivia. Who thinks this is a strip show. I feel really super embarrassed for this chick. Like her master plan was to dance terribly? She might have ruined these miserable talent show group dates for seasons to come.

Then she goes and has a panic attack. What happens in Vegas, stays on my DVR Olivia. Duh.

It’s okay Olivia. It’s not like you have fugly toes or cankles or anything…

These stills on Olivia just biting her finger make me want to throw up. And your romper tonight sucks, boo boo. I AM ANTI-OLIVIA, PEOPLE.

And here she comes creeping in to interrupt more conversations because she talks herself in insecure circles. Ben smells the stage 5-ness.

Lauren B. gets the group date rose and Olivia is one second away from ripping off her maternity romper.

ONE-ON-ONE

Becca. Who I still don’t get the hype on. She talks like she has peanut butter on the roof of her mouth. Name that movie. 😉

giphy-1

A wedding dress arrives before she goes on the date. Everyone is jealous.

Jubilee starts throwing shade at Becca’s virginity which makes my day because this episode sucks so far.

They’re gonna marry people in Vegas! Which is actually pretty baller.

But I’d be pissed to look back on this memory, tarnished by the Bachelor franchise that has so beautifully ruined all of our lives.

Ben then takes Becca to the famous neon museum and she’s confused. I mean… kill me now. This is starting to be the longest two hours of my life.

Then in a crazy turn of events, Ben takes the unbearable twins on a two-on-one date. Is it possible they both get eliminated or is Santa still “off” until the next holiday season?

He takes them home. Literally. To their mom. Ha, and hopefully leaves them there.

Haley has pictures of her and her ex-boyfriend in her bedroom so that’s awkward.

Needless to say, she gets eliminated.

COCKTAIL PARTY/ROSE CEREMONY

There goes Olivia again. Oy to the vey.

Now I feel sorry for those who have to watch her on the news.

She dropped the L word, too, oh snap!

WERE YOU NOT YOURSELF THIS WEEK OLIVIA IT DIDN’T SOUND CLEAR.

Goodbye to Amber and Rachel, but once again Olivia gets the last rose. Interesting Ben, interesting.

Amber proceeds to go and cry in the unlit area of pool chairs which is sad and hilarious. Please learn your lesson and never come on a Bachelor-related show again, Amber.

 

The Bachelor- Episode 3

A day late because my priorities are in this order:

  1. Watch the Cavs get crushed and embarrassed by the Warriors
  2. Vanderpump Rules
  3. Ben Higgins

Apparently Olivia spent $40,000 on clothes before she came on the show. Have you ever heard of Sallie Mae? You must have. I’m sure you two are best friends right about now.

ONE-ON-ONE

Lauren B., who says, “so,” and “really,” and “a lot,” A LOT.

She’s a flight attendant and guess what her date is? To fly in a plane! But guess who’s scared to fly in a plane? Lauren B., the flight attendant?!?!

Harrison Ford isn’t flying the plane, Lauren B., so relax.

Ben and Lauren B. fly on said plane for a bit and then land in a random field that bares one lonely hot tub. What’s with the hot tubs on this show? Is someone’s death wish scabies-by-hot tub? Ben asks the typical question of, “so, like, did you have fun on the plane?” Lauren B. answers, “I thought I’d be so much more scared than I was!” OMGYOUREAFLIGHTATTENDANT.

We get some little breaks on this terribly boring hot tub date to see what’s going on back at the Bachelor Mansion. Caila is crying, no hysterically crying, because she didn’t realize that breaking up with a real-life boyfriend for someone on television would be hard.

Rachel, Unemployed, is sad that she hasn’t gotten a date card.

Meanwhile, Ben and Lauren B. are now at dinner and I mean, they have normal conversation. I think I’d be friends with Lauren B. in real life unless she told me lies like she was scared to fly on planes.

GROUP DATE

Soccer…

Fine. But this will do nothing for women’s soccer and/or women’s sports in general. Thanks a lot, ABC.

The girls get split into two teams: dumb and dumber.

They start kickin some shins, and BEN IS ALL ABOUT IT. Like an overly-aggressive fan dad. I guess his future children won’t have to worry about whether Daddy will be at their sporting events cheering them on.

I’m secretly mad at myself for cheering for a team at this point. Obviously the team that Olivia is not on.

But I’m disappointed yet again.

Olivia’s team wins, which means they get to continue on to a cocktail hour. We find out Olivia has frightening toes, bad breath, cankles, questionable calves, and possible fake breasts. Shocking, yet pleasing.

Amber is on this date, unfortunately, and cannot stop talking to the camera people. She spends more time in a confessional and begging Bachelor producers to let her on all Bachelor-related shows, than actually talking to Ben. Kind of the point here, Amber.

Somehow she gets the rose on the group date though? My sanity is in question at this point. *NOTE: Was Lace tranquilized for this date, or?

ONE-ON-ONE

Jubilee Girl!

Guess what. The date is to go on a plane again! (SPOILER, but later in the episode Ben talks about how two close family friends of his end up dying in a plane crash. Did he predict their death with these dates, OR?!?!)

Also, Jubilee is scared of heights but not war.

At the mansion, people are talking shit on how Jubilee seemed ungrateful to go on this date. Are girls not allowed to be sarcastic on this show? The point is not to just drool over Ben like a goddamn moron, Caila.

Jubilee is now my favorite because she calls Ben “white boy” and makes references to him being not-so-white in other places, if you’re getting my big penis reference.

Ben keeps saying Jubilee intrigues him which is a white boy’s way of saying he’s never been with a black woman before. This is obvious as we approach dinner and Ben is wearing a cardigan.

Date ends beautifully.

COCKTAIL HOUR/ROSE CEREMONY

Lauren H. needs to stop talking because she sounds like Tina Fey playing Sarah Palin.

Ben proceeds to tell the ladies about the tragic death of his two family friends.

And Olivia’s tragedy is that she’s the most insensitive human being on planet Earth.

LACE ELIMINATES HERSELF?! Did not see that one coming. And, we say bye bye to Shushanna and Jamie. Ben gives Olivia the last rose of the night and maybe he’s not such a nice guy after all.

The Bachelor– Episode 2

Quick preview: I’m sure this was Ice Cube and Kevin Hart’s dream growing up in the hood, struggling to make ends meet: GET TO THE BACHELOR MANSION OR WE FAIL.

GROUP DATE

I like Lace’s hair and contouring skills and the list ends there. I’m shocked, myself. I normally love a good bitch on this show.

The first date is “let’s pretend to go back to high school.” Wow Ben, be a little more transparent. YOU MISS HIGH SCHOOL. WE GET IT.

Jubilee unfortunately partners with Lace on this nightmare of a group date and keeps calling her Lacey. Is that throwing shade or her just trying to make Lacey happen because Lace is stupid? Either way I like the effort.

Would Nell have won the basketball challenge? You betcha. Then I would have accidentally passed the ball into Becca and JoJo’s heads for placing Indiana horizontally on a map where Pennsylvania should be. GET A REAL JOB BECCA. Assistant Chiropractor? Just be honest and tell everyone your new real job: Instagram “model.”

What do ya know? Crazy dentist Mandi wins the entire group date challenge. She gets to wear Ben’s real letterman’s jacket as a prize……………

During the after-prom, Jennifer goes in for the major first kiss of the group date. Well actually Ben did, so he must really be in to her. Except I don’t get why.

Lace compliments Ben on making eye contact with her tonight. Yeah Lace, I’m sure Ben is going to make major eye contact with you. You called him out so hard on that last time that he’s going to burn lasers into your eyeballs for fear of his testicles being cut off by you. Logical reasoning in my book.

Jubilee is so pretty I can’t even take it. Major girl crush.

Lace be interrupting errrrrryone in this group and I’m exhausted.

JoJo, after being brought to the roof: “I’ve never been this high in my life.” Poor choice of words, and you’re lying.

ONE-ON-ONE

Caila gets the first one on one- go Ohio!

SURPRISE! YOU’RE GOING ON A DATE WITH THE CAST OF THE SOMEHOW-SOMEONE-MANAGED-TO-CONVINCE-THEM-TO-MAKE-A-SEQUEL ,RIDE ALONG 2!

Ice Cube should have zero street cred left right?

And ABC should try and sponsor better movies right?

I wish I had more to say about this but it was just a normal, and dare I say, good date and not embarrassing? Good work, Caila. Thanks for being normal.

Except I have no idea who Amos Lee is?

GROUP DATE #2

The gang goes to a Love Lab. And no, that’s not the title of an It’s Always Sunny  episode, unfortunately enough.

The twins look confused. Which, I won’t dock them points for because what the hell is a Love Lab and who pays people to perform this job?

Is this man a real doctor? If so, can I punch him in the face because this whole thing is ridiculous?

Also can I just take a minute to say that at 22 and 23 I was not looking this put-together. I was still wearing Forever 21 bandage dresses and crying about graduating from college. Half of that is still true.

Olivia is getting cocky now but I’ll just let these stills from my magnificent DVR speak for themselves:

 

COCKTAIL HOUR

Amber is literally a moron. You were already on a season of this Godforsaken show and you know how it works so quit crying about not getting enough time with Ben. Go home. Or back to Bachelor in Paradise where you belong.

MAKING BARRETTES. BEN IS CRAFTING BARRETTES. WHO ARE YOU. ARE YOU WILLING TO BE CLONED.

Lace continues to get weirder upon sharing a story about how her brothers would pretend not to know her on the school bus as a child. I’m very embarrassed for her.

ROSE CEREMONY

Lace get the default ratings rose from ABC. Way to not stand up to peer pressure, Benjamin.

LB pulls Ben aside and tells him she’s from Oklahoma so she can’t handle this, obviously. Bye LB. Please figure out where your eyebrows went and get back to me.

Sam (the sour smelling one), Mandi the Dentist (shocked), and Jackie (the Gerontologist?!) don’t get a rose. Lesson of the episode: science don’t lie boo boo.

2016 Bachelor Premiere Recap

Back in action with my thoughts on the latest Bachelor season. It’s lookin’ like it’s going to be a doozy.

The day has finally arrived and Ben’s promo shoot looked awkward. Like, dude, you’re going to be handing out roses for a living. Look like a natural.

Well this is the side of Ben we didn’t see last season. The boy who lives in his high school glory days. Hard sigh.

These corn field scenarios are giving me nightmares of Chris Soules’ season.

Let’s get to the limos. And can I just say something? Sure you can, Nell. Twins is so overplayed. Like that’s the best thing ABC could have done for the season? TWINS? That’s more a disadvantage than an advantage. First of all, too hard to keep track of. Secondly, you honestly think he’ll choose one of them over the other? Child, bye.

Speaking of Chris Soules… WHY IS HE THERE? He was the ultimate Bachelor FAIL. Jason Mesnick… get off television and Sean Lowe… you get cornier with age. It’s not a good look.

Mandi the Dentist… “I would not date a guy with gingivitis.”
All men… “I would never date a dentist who looks like she’s about to cut my tongue out.”

Tiara is ready to find love now that she’s realized being away from her chickens for more than 10 days is possible. YIKES.

LIMO TIME.

Caila from Hudson, Ohio= hometown hero.

Jennifer “forgot” to say her name because it’s… Jennifer and because every other contestant on the show has a basic white girl name. Not my girl Jubilee though.

Lace is wearing lace and acting like an ass with that half-assed first kiss.

THE GIRL NOT SAYING HER NAME THE GIRL NOT SAYING HER NAME
who also said she was at an advantage because she got to stalk Ben on social media. I forget where she’s from, but it must be insane to be the only person with access to Instagram there.

“It’s not frightening. It’s normal.” Ben, to the person wearing the unicorn head. What kind of trips have you been on weed-wise over there in Colorado buddy?

Mandi is trying too hard to be the classic Ashley S. But there can only be ONE Mesa Verde, alien-hunting, onion-loving lady on the history of this show, Mandi. Get it through your rose, er, head.

LACE WITH THE STANK EYE. This girl’s a bitch, which normally I can appreciate but she’s taking her bad version of a Sarah Silverman face and act to the annoying level.

BREANNE. I’m done with you. In my culture if you destroy bread you die.

LB forgot her eyebrows at home, yeah?

Oh look, Becca and Amber are back… to remind everyone they were on a prior season in case anyone forgot, which we did? Still the same uninteresting chicks.

“We’re all emotional right now.” Lace, just talking about herself because she was literally the only one to get wasted and tear up.

Olivia gets the first impression rose and I actually like this chick aside from the fact that she smiles too much. And I love Buddy the Elf so you can see where I’m conflicted.

Rose ceremony.

Lace gets the final rose…
Then gets hardcore annoying as one would expect.

Ben needed to put this boo boo in check. Like excuse me, Lace, he chose Mandi before you tonight. Basically he chose someone who could have pulled his teeth out on national television over you.

So bye.

At least someone got a dental exam out of this night if nothing else.

Eliminated:

Maegan with her stupid horse and ugly dress, Jessica with her DEB dress-lookin ass, Tiara (chickens), Breanne (asshole to gluten), Isabel (??), Laura (Red Velvet LOL), and Lauren R. (the one who didn’t say her name).