A day late because my priorities are in this order:
- Watch the Cavs get crushed and embarrassed by the Warriors
- Vanderpump Rules
- Ben Higgins
Apparently Olivia spent $40,000 on clothes before she came on the show. Have you ever heard of Sallie Mae? You must have. I’m sure you two are best friends right about now.
Lauren B., who says, “so,” and “really,” and “a lot,” A LOT.
She’s a flight attendant and guess what her date is? To fly in a plane! But guess who’s scared to fly in a plane? Lauren B., the flight attendant?!?!
Harrison Ford isn’t flying the plane, Lauren B., so relax.
Ben and Lauren B. fly on said plane for a bit and then land in a random field that bares one lonely hot tub. What’s with the hot tubs on this show? Is someone’s death wish scabies-by-hot tub? Ben asks the typical question of, “so, like, did you have fun on the plane?” Lauren B. answers, “I thought I’d be so much more scared than I was!” OMGYOUREAFLIGHTATTENDANT.
We get some little breaks on this terribly boring hot tub date to see what’s going on back at the Bachelor Mansion. Caila is crying, no hysterically crying, because she didn’t realize that breaking up with a real-life boyfriend for someone on television would be hard.
Rachel, Unemployed, is sad that she hasn’t gotten a date card.
Meanwhile, Ben and Lauren B. are now at dinner and I mean, they have normal conversation. I think I’d be friends with Lauren B. in real life unless she told me lies like she was scared to fly on planes.
Fine. But this will do nothing for women’s soccer and/or women’s sports in general. Thanks a lot, ABC.
The girls get split into two teams: dumb and dumber.
They start kickin some shins, and BEN IS ALL ABOUT IT. Like an overly-aggressive fan dad. I guess his future children won’t have to worry about whether Daddy will be at their sporting events cheering them on.
I’m secretly mad at myself for cheering for a team at this point. Obviously the team that Olivia is not on.
But I’m disappointed yet again.
Olivia’s team wins, which means they get to continue on to a cocktail hour. We find out Olivia has frightening toes, bad breath, cankles, questionable calves, and possible fake breasts. Shocking, yet pleasing.
Amber is on this date, unfortunately, and cannot stop talking to the camera people. She spends more time in a confessional and begging Bachelor producers to let her on all Bachelor-related shows, than actually talking to Ben. Kind of the point here, Amber.
Somehow she gets the rose on the group date though? My sanity is in question at this point. *NOTE: Was Lace tranquilized for this date, or?
Guess what. The date is to go on a plane again! (SPOILER, but later in the episode Ben talks about how two close family friends of his end up dying in a plane crash. Did he predict their death with these dates, OR?!?!)
Also, Jubilee is scared of heights but not war.
At the mansion, people are talking shit on how Jubilee seemed ungrateful to go on this date. Are girls not allowed to be sarcastic on this show? The point is not to just drool over Ben like a goddamn moron, Caila.
Jubilee is now my favorite because she calls Ben “white boy” and makes references to him being not-so-white in other places, if you’re getting my big penis reference.
Ben keeps saying Jubilee intrigues him which is a white boy’s way of saying he’s never been with a black woman before. This is obvious as we approach dinner and Ben is wearing a cardigan.
Date ends beautifully.
COCKTAIL HOUR/ROSE CEREMONY
Lauren H. needs to stop talking because she sounds like Tina Fey playing Sarah Palin.
Ben proceeds to tell the ladies about the tragic death of his two family friends.
And Olivia’s tragedy is that she’s the most insensitive human being on planet Earth.
LACE ELIMINATES HERSELF?! Did not see that one coming. And, we say bye bye to Shushanna and Jamie. Ben gives Olivia the last rose of the night and maybe he’s not such a nice guy after all.