The Bachelor- Episode 3

A day late because my priorities are in this order:

  1. Watch the Cavs get crushed and embarrassed by the Warriors
  2. Vanderpump Rules
  3. Ben Higgins

Apparently Olivia spent $40,000 on clothes before she came on the show. Have you ever heard of Sallie Mae? You must have. I’m sure you two are best friends right about now.

ONE-ON-ONE

Lauren B., who says, “so,” and “really,” and “a lot,” A LOT.

She’s a flight attendant and guess what her date is? To fly in a plane! But guess who’s scared to fly in a plane? Lauren B., the flight attendant?!?!

Harrison Ford isn’t flying the plane, Lauren B., so relax.

Ben and Lauren B. fly on said plane for a bit and then land in a random field that bares one lonely hot tub. What’s with the hot tubs on this show? Is someone’s death wish scabies-by-hot tub? Ben asks the typical question of, “so, like, did you have fun on the plane?” Lauren B. answers, “I thought I’d be so much more scared than I was!” OMGYOUREAFLIGHTATTENDANT.

We get some little breaks on this terribly boring hot tub date to see what’s going on back at the Bachelor Mansion. Caila is crying, no hysterically crying, because she didn’t realize that breaking up with a real-life boyfriend for someone on television would be hard.

Rachel, Unemployed, is sad that she hasn’t gotten a date card.

Meanwhile, Ben and Lauren B. are now at dinner and I mean, they have normal conversation. I think I’d be friends with Lauren B. in real life unless she told me lies like she was scared to fly on planes.

GROUP DATE

Soccer…

Fine. But this will do nothing for women’s soccer and/or women’s sports in general. Thanks a lot, ABC.

The girls get split into two teams: dumb and dumber.

They start kickin some shins, and BEN IS ALL ABOUT IT. Like an overly-aggressive fan dad. I guess his future children won’t have to worry about whether Daddy will be at their sporting events cheering them on.

I’m secretly mad at myself for cheering for a team at this point. Obviously the team that Olivia is not on.

But I’m disappointed yet again.

Olivia’s team wins, which means they get to continue on to a cocktail hour. We find out Olivia has frightening toes, bad breath, cankles, questionable calves, and possible fake breasts. Shocking, yet pleasing.

Amber is on this date, unfortunately, and cannot stop talking to the camera people. She spends more time in a confessional and begging Bachelor producers to let her on all Bachelor-related shows, than actually talking to Ben. Kind of the point here, Amber.

Somehow she gets the rose on the group date though? My sanity is in question at this point. *NOTE: Was Lace tranquilized for this date, or?

ONE-ON-ONE

Jubilee Girl!

Guess what. The date is to go on a plane again! (SPOILER, but later in the episode Ben talks about how two close family friends of his end up dying in a plane crash. Did he predict their death with these dates, OR?!?!)

Also, Jubilee is scared of heights but not war.

At the mansion, people are talking shit on how Jubilee seemed ungrateful to go on this date. Are girls not allowed to be sarcastic on this show? The point is not to just drool over Ben like a goddamn moron, Caila.

Jubilee is now my favorite because she calls Ben “white boy” and makes references to him being not-so-white in other places, if you’re getting my big penis reference.

Ben keeps saying Jubilee intrigues him which is a white boy’s way of saying he’s never been with a black woman before. This is obvious as we approach dinner and Ben is wearing a cardigan.

Date ends beautifully.

COCKTAIL HOUR/ROSE CEREMONY

Lauren H. needs to stop talking because she sounds like Tina Fey playing Sarah Palin.

Ben proceeds to tell the ladies about the tragic death of his two family friends.

And Olivia’s tragedy is that she’s the most insensitive human being on planet Earth.

LACE ELIMINATES HERSELF?! Did not see that one coming. And, we say bye bye to Shushanna and Jamie. Ben gives Olivia the last rose of the night and maybe he’s not such a nice guy after all.

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The Bachelor– Episode 2

Quick preview: I’m sure this was Ice Cube and Kevin Hart’s dream growing up in the hood, struggling to make ends meet: GET TO THE BACHELOR MANSION OR WE FAIL.

GROUP DATE

I like Lace’s hair and contouring skills and the list ends there. I’m shocked, myself. I normally love a good bitch on this show.

The first date is “let’s pretend to go back to high school.” Wow Ben, be a little more transparent. YOU MISS HIGH SCHOOL. WE GET IT.

Jubilee unfortunately partners with Lace on this nightmare of a group date and keeps calling her Lacey. Is that throwing shade or her just trying to make Lacey happen because Lace is stupid? Either way I like the effort.

Would Nell have won the basketball challenge? You betcha. Then I would have accidentally passed the ball into Becca and JoJo’s heads for placing Indiana horizontally on a map where Pennsylvania should be. GET A REAL JOB BECCA. Assistant Chiropractor? Just be honest and tell everyone your new real job: Instagram “model.”

What do ya know? Crazy dentist Mandi wins the entire group date challenge. She gets to wear Ben’s real letterman’s jacket as a prize……………

During the after-prom, Jennifer goes in for the major first kiss of the group date. Well actually Ben did, so he must really be in to her. Except I don’t get why.

Lace compliments Ben on making eye contact with her tonight. Yeah Lace, I’m sure Ben is going to make major eye contact with you. You called him out so hard on that last time that he’s going to burn lasers into your eyeballs for fear of his testicles being cut off by you. Logical reasoning in my book.

Jubilee is so pretty I can’t even take it. Major girl crush.

Lace be interrupting errrrrryone in this group and I’m exhausted.

JoJo, after being brought to the roof: “I’ve never been this high in my life.” Poor choice of words, and you’re lying.

ONE-ON-ONE

Caila gets the first one on one- go Ohio!

SURPRISE! YOU’RE GOING ON A DATE WITH THE CAST OF THE SOMEHOW-SOMEONE-MANAGED-TO-CONVINCE-THEM-TO-MAKE-A-SEQUEL ,RIDE ALONG 2!

Ice Cube should have zero street cred left right?

And ABC should try and sponsor better movies right?

I wish I had more to say about this but it was just a normal, and dare I say, good date and not embarrassing? Good work, Caila. Thanks for being normal.

Except I have no idea who Amos Lee is?

GROUP DATE #2

The gang goes to a Love Lab. And no, that’s not the title of an It’s Always Sunny  episode, unfortunately enough.

The twins look confused. Which, I won’t dock them points for because what the hell is a Love Lab and who pays people to perform this job?

Is this man a real doctor? If so, can I punch him in the face because this whole thing is ridiculous?

Also can I just take a minute to say that at 22 and 23 I was not looking this put-together. I was still wearing Forever 21 bandage dresses and crying about graduating from college. Half of that is still true.

Olivia is getting cocky now but I’ll just let these stills from my magnificent DVR speak for themselves:

 

COCKTAIL HOUR

Amber is literally a moron. You were already on a season of this Godforsaken show and you know how it works so quit crying about not getting enough time with Ben. Go home. Or back to Bachelor in Paradise where you belong.

MAKING BARRETTES. BEN IS CRAFTING BARRETTES. WHO ARE YOU. ARE YOU WILLING TO BE CLONED.

Lace continues to get weirder upon sharing a story about how her brothers would pretend not to know her on the school bus as a child. I’m very embarrassed for her.

ROSE CEREMONY

Lace get the default ratings rose from ABC. Way to not stand up to peer pressure, Benjamin.

LB pulls Ben aside and tells him she’s from Oklahoma so she can’t handle this, obviously. Bye LB. Please figure out where your eyebrows went and get back to me.

Sam (the sour smelling one), Mandi the Dentist (shocked), and Jackie (the Gerontologist?!) don’t get a rose. Lesson of the episode: science don’t lie boo boo.

2016 Bachelor Premiere Recap

Back in action with my thoughts on the latest Bachelor season. It’s lookin’ like it’s going to be a doozy.

The day has finally arrived and Ben’s promo shoot looked awkward. Like, dude, you’re going to be handing out roses for a living. Look like a natural.

Well this is the side of Ben we didn’t see last season. The boy who lives in his high school glory days. Hard sigh.

These corn field scenarios are giving me nightmares of Chris Soules’ season.

Let’s get to the limos. And can I just say something? Sure you can, Nell. Twins is so overplayed. Like that’s the best thing ABC could have done for the season? TWINS? That’s more a disadvantage than an advantage. First of all, too hard to keep track of. Secondly, you honestly think he’ll choose one of them over the other? Child, bye.

Speaking of Chris Soules… WHY IS HE THERE? He was the ultimate Bachelor FAIL. Jason Mesnick… get off television and Sean Lowe… you get cornier with age. It’s not a good look.

Mandi the Dentist… “I would not date a guy with gingivitis.”
All men… “I would never date a dentist who looks like she’s about to cut my tongue out.”

Tiara is ready to find love now that she’s realized being away from her chickens for more than 10 days is possible. YIKES.

LIMO TIME.

Caila from Hudson, Ohio= hometown hero.

Jennifer “forgot” to say her name because it’s… Jennifer and because every other contestant on the show has a basic white girl name. Not my girl Jubilee though.

Lace is wearing lace and acting like an ass with that half-assed first kiss.

THE GIRL NOT SAYING HER NAME THE GIRL NOT SAYING HER NAME
who also said she was at an advantage because she got to stalk Ben on social media. I forget where she’s from, but it must be insane to be the only person with access to Instagram there.

“It’s not frightening. It’s normal.” Ben, to the person wearing the unicorn head. What kind of trips have you been on weed-wise over there in Colorado buddy?

Mandi is trying too hard to be the classic Ashley S. But there can only be ONE Mesa Verde, alien-hunting, onion-loving lady on the history of this show, Mandi. Get it through your rose, er, head.

LACE WITH THE STANK EYE. This girl’s a bitch, which normally I can appreciate but she’s taking her bad version of a Sarah Silverman face and act to the annoying level.

BREANNE. I’m done with you. In my culture if you destroy bread you die.

LB forgot her eyebrows at home, yeah?

Oh look, Becca and Amber are back… to remind everyone they were on a prior season in case anyone forgot, which we did? Still the same uninteresting chicks.

“We’re all emotional right now.” Lace, just talking about herself because she was literally the only one to get wasted and tear up.

Olivia gets the first impression rose and I actually like this chick aside from the fact that she smiles too much. And I love Buddy the Elf so you can see where I’m conflicted.

Rose ceremony.

Lace gets the final rose…
Then gets hardcore annoying as one would expect.

Ben needed to put this boo boo in check. Like excuse me, Lace, he chose Mandi before you tonight. Basically he chose someone who could have pulled his teeth out on national television over you.

So bye.

At least someone got a dental exam out of this night if nothing else.

Eliminated:

Maegan with her stupid horse and ugly dress, Jessica with her DEB dress-lookin ass, Tiara (chickens), Breanne (asshole to gluten), Isabel (??), Laura (Red Velvet LOL), and Lauren R. (the one who didn’t say her name).

Judgement Day- Bachelor Contestants 2016

ABC must be playing a joke on us right, or they’re really desperate for ratings? My eyes do not deceive me when I see two former Bachelor contestants on Ben’s upcoming season, right?! Wrong. And I’m pissed.

Off we go.

1. Becca Tilley, 26

Becca-Tilley

She was the virgin on Chris Soules’ season who didn’t cry. In fact, she had zero emotions throughout the entire thing. When she got dumped as the runner-up, she didn’t even care. She just drove off in that awkward, velvet dress she was wearing and said fuck it, I’m just going to do this again next season. I’m sorry- but UNFAIR comes to mind. Pretty sure you had an opportunity to meet Ben off the show. If he didn’t want to marry you then, why would he want to marry you now? Child, please.

2. Amber James, 30

Amber-James

YET ANOTHER CONTESTANT FROM A PAST SEASON. I barely remember which one it was by the way, because she was that uninteresting so I won’t even bother yelling at her for ripping away some innocent girl’s chances of coming on this show.

3. Jami, 23

Jami

I’m hoping she pronounces her name like “Jamie” and not like “pajami.” I understand that’s not a real word, but this is also no way to spell a real name. Short “A”/ Long “A,” who can tell? However, great face.

4. Maegan, 30

Maegan

Her occupation is “cowgirl.” She’s from Texas. And how many of these have existed over the 20+ season Bachelor run? Ugh, get a new hobby.

5. Lace, 25

Lace

I’m sorry, “LACE” ?!?! Not Lacy, just Lace? As in “shoe?” She’s from Denver, which is where Ben lives which clearly means she hasn’t tried hard enough in the past. Also, she reminds me of Anne Hathaway and just no.

6. Shushanna, 27

Shushanna

Well ain’t that a mouthful. Supposedly she’s a mathematician. I didn’t even know that existed. Like, is that just someone who likes/is good at doing math? I’m better with words, so clearly this girl and I need to be friends so she can help a sista out.

7. Amanda S., 25

Amanda-S

From California? You don’t say! The effortless bleach blonde hair didn’t give it away. She’s cute. I’ll give her that. But I’m pretty sure I’ve seen her working at Hollister several times over the course of my life.

8. Jessica, 23

Jessica

Hard pass. What is this, amateur hour?

9. Joelle, aka “Jo Jo,” 24

Joelle-aka-Jo-Jo

She’s from Dallas, ya know, where a cutesy nickname like Jo Jo is written on your birth certificate in parentheses. Further thoughts: White pants are always a bad choice and the only Jo Jo I respect is this one.

10. Jubilee, 24

Jubilee

Why must you be a war veteran? There’s no way I’ll feel good about myself making fun of your stupid name now. I’ll have whatever you’re having for breakfast though, plus some of your extra sass thrown in, gurl.

11. Haley, 22

Haley

Stop. Her occupation listed is, “TWIN.” This better change come limo-stepping-out-of time. I’m hungry just looking at you, Haley. Mmmmbye.

12. Emily, 22

Emily

Oh you guessed it. TWIN #2. The first one is the prettier one. Oops, I said it. But she’s been a twin for 22 years. I’m sure she’s heard it before, settle down. I like that ABC thinks we’ll be less confused if they’re facing a different way in their headshots. *face palm*

13. Tiara, 26

Tiara

AS IN “TODDLERS AND?” Come onnnnn with these names. If Ben gets down on one knee at the end and proposes to TIARA, will he give her a crown instead of a ring? Also, if you weren’t already turned on, her occupation is CHICKEN ENTHUSIAST. Who lets these people on the show?!

14. Lauren Barr, aka “LB”

Lauren-Barr-aka-LB

AS IN “UNIT OF MEASUREMENT?!” I can’t help myself. I can’t stop going there with my mind. However, this chick LB is cute and goes for the deep v, which I can always appreciate in a woman. I can feel a sass a comin!

15. Caila, 23

 

Caila

Chicka chicka what, chicka reppin the CLE! Looks super cute, spunky, and does what Ben does. Wins for everyone.

16. Samantha, 26

Samantha

Alright, I see you, Samantha. But if you scrunch up your face like that when you smile, it leads me to believe you have an equally annoying facial expression and unattractive noise that leaves your mouth when you laugh. I hope I’m wrong.

17. Breanne, 30

Breanne

Photographs not-well. :/

18. Lauren H., 25

Lauren-H

While your hair is too big for your head, I can appreciate the Midwest roots and the Kindergarten teaching talents.

19. Isabel, aka “Izzy,” 24

Isabel-aka-Izzy

Is it just me or is Izzy looking to kick someone’s ass? Watch out Ben. You won’t be able to get away with wearing girly wool sweaters around this one, this season.

20. Jacqueline, aka “Jackie,” 23

Jacqueline-aka-Jackie

Why don’t people just stick to their nicknames on this show? Last time I checked you didn’t need to provide your official name and social security to the viewers at home. Enough of this “aka” nonsense. Jackie’s got a cute little nerd vibe to her, which you can never have too much of on a show like this.

21. Olivia, 23

Olivia

Does not look like a natural blonde to me. Anyone else sensing she’s hiding something?

22. Rachel, 23

Rachel

Unemployed and behind-the-times in thinking that super thin eyebrows are a thing. They’re not, and find a damn job.

23. Lauren B., 25

Lauren-B

So many Laurens. A flight attendant who looks like she has no idea where any destination is on a map. Not impressed.

24. Leah, 25

Leah

Brow game strong. From Denver. Event Planner. That’s about all I got for Leah.

25. Jennifer, 25

Jennifer

Cold vamp vibes all around from Jennifer. Also looks like she’s never taken a posed photo in her life. I definitely do not trust people from Florida who don’t have a tan, either. Sorry Jennifer, you lose.

26. Laura, 24

Laura

This top makes her look like she’s wearing a chain skirt knights used to wear under their suit of armor. Too much? Don’t care.

27. Lauren R., 26

Lauren-R

So SO many Laurens. Have fun with that one, Ben. She’s a math teacher, but I’m thinking we find out she used to be a porn star and then somehow fell back on math. It’s the cruel imagination I have that I never apologize for.

28. Amanda K., aka “Mandi,” 28

Amanda-K-aka-Mandi

A dentist who smiles like that? No way. A dentist who goes by Mandi? Definitely no way. Also- what is this large gap between her boobs? I recommend bangs. Poor Mandi needs a re-do.

There you have it, folks. Let the countdown to January 4 begin! 

 

Completely Unbelievable People Stories Part 1

Everyone loves a good people story, right? I wish every day came with a people story worthy of sharing. For those of you who aren’t sure what a “people story” is, it’s a story that comes from witnessing the strangest, most ridiculous behaviors of people in the real world and telling it with the most judgmental tone you’ve ever had the nerve of working up. This weekend was a true people story weekend. I just couldn’t resist sharing.

Friday, November 6: Quicken Loans Arena

First Cavs game of the season for me so I was high on life. Shoutout to Kelly for allowing mother and I access to her law firm’s suite. We had a blast with everyone there and the Cavs won, but the real show started when our suite neighbors got to their seats. Stuffy men in suits, who so clearly take shit like this for granted, were on their phones the entire time. Oh wait, my mistake. One of them was on his phone the entire time UNTIL HE STARTED PICKING HIS NOSE LIKE THE HOLY GRAIL WAS HOUSED IN HIS NOSTRILS. Not only was this guy going after the mother of all boogs, he was rolling them in his fingers and FLICKING THEM. The most hilarious part of this was that, um hello, the suite windows are indeed, windows, meaning transparent. It was so hard for all of us not to just stare at this guy so shamelessly being disgusting. The man in front of him was asleep (yes, at a Cavs game) and was seemingly just target practice. I can’t help but laugh thinking about it. *Booger Picker was also wearing a wedding ring, so if this sounds like your husband, FIGURE THAT SHIT OUT PLEASE.

Saturday, November 7: Express

First clothing exchange of the day. It really got Angela (my mother) heated up, which is always fun to witness. My mom had used coupons on her previous purchase of two sweaters and was told earlier that week that if she exchanged them for size, she wouldn’t lose the coupons. Girl at the register that day must not have been aware of said policy and was now an innocent victim of the Calanni evil eyes. First time she tries exchanging the sweaters, all hell breaks loose because she can’t seem to figure out how to re-apply the coupons. Manager comes over, explains how to do it, and we’re ready to just exchange the damn sweaters and get out of there. On try #2, the girl tries telling my mother that she owes a difference. You’re probably asking yourself, if it’s an even exchange, why would your poor mother owe a difference? BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T. Girl looks confused again. Third time’s a charm and the sweaters are exchanged. Angela walks away happy and I am so glad I don’t work in retail anymore.

Saturday, November 7: COSTCO

I have to just blanket statement this story with, I already hate you if you go to the grocery store unprepared. Grocery lists have existed since cavemen could write on rocks, okay? USE THEM. I was at the Costo at Avon Commons this past Saturday with my mom, who knows her way around Costco like it’s nobody’s business. You sort of expect the grocery store to be a nightmare on the weekends because kids aren’t in school and most everyone does their grocery shopping on Saturdays and Sundays, but when I say that this Saturday was out-of-control, I mean it was “Dollar Rolling Johnny” out-of-control. Like, you think it might be an okay idea, but in-turn you end up asking yourself, “what the hell am I getting myself into?”

I accompanied my mother to Costco for one sole reason– the free samples. She was on a mission to get a bouquet of flowers and lettuce (just let her be, it’s the way she works). We grab a gigantic grocery cart from the outside of the store (why, I don’t know because again, flowers and lettuce) and make our way into the zoo that is Costco. It must be convenient to have five children all under the age of 10 because they can fit inside the giant grocery carts, but that’s not the point, guys. It makes your carts harder to push and in-turn, you’re moving so much slower. I said out loud, almost immediately upon walking in, “I feel like I’m in the Walking Dead, except all of the zombies are driving gigantic grocery carts full of children directly at me.” I love children. But I don’t love children in grocery carts.

So, we’re making our way down the necessary aisles, stopping at each free sample station, naturally. The first Sample Lady was definitely feeling some type of way about all the commotion going on because when I reached for the sample (some nasty vanilla protein mix drink, immediately regretted), she started WHISPERING the description of the sample as I was walking away. I’m sorry, but I didn’t snatch a sample so I could converse with you, Sample Lady. And I can’t hear you because you’re whispering like that Asian girl from Pitch Perfect and you’re making me feel rude because I’m completely ignoring you describe vanilla protein powder as I’m sprinting away, trying to dodge massive grocery carts coming in every direction. Here’s the best part about this people story. PEOPLE LEAVING SAID GIGANTIC GROCERY CARTS in the middle of the store while they go fetch samples. Some man literally congratulated another man out loud for his proper maneuvering skills with a cart. That’s not something to be proud of– that’s just called being a normal ass human at the grocery store!

Mom and I couldn’t handle it anymore. The flowers were not up to Angela Calanni standard, the samples weren’t even worth the trip, and it made me appreciate the last time we had gone to Costco together when some man (and I’m not exaggerating) rounded the corner of an aisle only to let loose the most wet, disgusting belch, right as my mother and I were also rounding the corner.

Saturday, November 7: KOHL’S

What does one do if they’re at Avon Commons on a Saturday and haven’t killed themselves yet? Attempt to do more shopping. Mom and I headed to Kohl’s after Costco because we must have been in the mood to be tortured. All we were trying to do was exchange some sweatpants. Same pants. Just needed a different size. We head to customer service, or as I fondly reminisce about it, hell. Lady rings up the pants as more expensive than they actually were. Mom goes, “no,” and she rings a lady out on the floor to go check the price. Lady says the price customer service is giving us is the right price.

Because I love proving people wrong, I went to go look for myself. Low and behold, the price of the pants was the price my mom said it was because, oh, we SAW THE SIGN WITH OUR ACTUAL EYEBALLS. I was feeling feisty enough to even take a picture and bring it back to customer service. I love being right as much as my mother loves a smooth retail transaction, and while the situation was incredibly irritating, we came out with a victory. Because I measure victories in making other people feel stupid.

People, right?

Let it Be Heard: Females Who Love Sports

Want to know what really gets me going? What really grinds my gears? An unforgettable moment in sports– be it one play, an entire game, a series, what have you. I love it. I live for it.

I was the first child, grandchild, niece in my family. It stayed that way for 3 years until my brother came along, but by the time he gained any kind of coordination I was 20. Just kidding, I was probably 7 or 8. Now, he’s over 6-feet tall and can unfortunately beat me in driveway basketball, but it took him a solid 15 years to get there. THAT’S NEITHER HERE NOR THERE. You see, from my mom and dad, to my aunt and uncles, I was the first one they could train (real loose term) to become an athlete. From the time I could stand, I was doing my best to dunk on the Little Tikes basketball hoop I was gifted before any male offspring came around. From the moment I could run, I was playing backyard baseball, learning to throw a spiral, and perfecting my jumpshot. My Aunt Josie had season tickets to the Indians in the mid 90’s and she’d take me to a game every chance she got. As I got older my passion for basketball was more outstanding than the rest, but sports (and Cleveland sports) were my ish; my first love; the peanut butter to my jelly; the mayonnaise to my french fries (trust me).

After a while, it became less about playing. I had a great jumper (still do), but I knew it was never going to take me anywhere. My overall love for the game of basketball and other sports never faltered because of that, though. It just made my appreciation for athletes much stronger.

I’m not going to sugarcoat it. As much as I love sports, being a woman who loves sports has a lot of negativity that comes with it. I love, and at the same time hate, when I’ve joined in on a conversation (between dudes) that’s going on around me about sports and I get that look of shock like “wow, you really know what you’re talking about.” It makes me feel good to know what I said was respected, but the fact that it was ever doubted in the first place is incredibly annoying. Like, because I have a vagina I’m automatically not expected to know anything about sports, right? Thanks, sorority chicks from Arizona who made it even worse, last week. Next time I look like an idiot, I’ll be sure to follow-up by donating to a charity and somehow snag a TV spot on Ellen. #SMH

I copied every exact facial reaction in my life from the queen, Erin Andrews.
I copied every exact facial reaction in my life from the queen, Erin Andrews.

And then, there’s the objectivity and complete ignorance that comes out of people’s mouths every day about women in sports and women in sports media. Some scenarios for you:

On Tuesday night, Jessica Mendoza made history when she called the Astros-Yankees playoff game. She became the first woman to call a nationally-televised game. This past August, she was also the first woman to be in the booth at an ESPN MLB broadcast of a Diamondbacks-Cardinals game. You go, Jessica Mendoza. But of course, the arrogant assholes on social media came out saying things like, “Someone give this girl a softball game to commentate instead” and “How can she have any insight into the game of baseball?” Listen up, jerks. How can YOU have any insight into the game of baseball? Tell me about that time you played in a Major League game. How was it? Must not have been so great if you’re pissing on other people’s success from your couch.

Remember that time a male reporter told Serena to smile?
Remember that time a male reporter told Serena to smile?

NEXT UP

The ragging on Doris Burke, and all other female sideline reporters has got.to.stop. Why don’t you try interviewing Gregg Popovich. Let his cold, sarcastic stare feed into your soul for the longest minute on television and see what it feels like. I also bet you can interview Richard Sherman’s shrieking hyena self and Marshawn Lynch’s less-than-thrilled responses with the best of ’em, huh? You know that all of these women aren’t *just* sideline reporters, right? They’re exceptionally talented journalists, many of whom hold leadership roles behind the scenes. Live T.V. is hard. When Ronda Rousey co-hosted SportsCenter last night, sure it was awkward, but try telling that to her face. Chances are you won’t like what happens to your face after that. These ladies have gone through a lot to be where they are. Appreciate, don’t discriminate.

Like, this is how we feel when you start ignoring our sports comments.
Like, this is how we feel when you start ignoring our sports comments.

TO SUM IT UP

I’ll let Katie Nolan take it from here. She sums up my point quite beautifully:

Have I mentioned that I love being a sports fan? Those who know me best know I live and die by the Cleveland Cavaliers. Some of my idols? Sage Steele, Lindsay Czarniak, Cari Champion, Hannah Storm, Rachel Nichols, Michelle Beadle, Erin Andrews, the list goes on. I kindly suggest that the next time a female starts talking about sports, don’t look at her like she’s from outer space. It’s better than treating her like a “princess.” Trust me.

Nell’s 2015-16 NBA Power Rankings

Obviously, this is the next best power ranking behind ESPN.

1. Golden State Warriors

This is strictly by default. Many hard feelings.

2. Cleveland Cavaliers

My pride and joy with one of my oldest friends back at it– Mo Williams. Now, Kyrie can relax a little and in the case Delly’s tray isn’t fully-loaded this year, we can have a veteran point guard take over.

3. San Antonio Spurs

Was considering putting them at #2 due to the newly-acquired LaMarcus Aldridge, but I’m not a realistic human being and because it never matters where you rank the Spurs; there’s always a decent chance going into the season that they’ll win the championship.

4. Oklahoma City Thunder

I can feel it. Kevin Durant and Russell Westbrook ain’t playin’ around this year. All the weird bandwagon Thunder fans that live outside of Oklahoma City can come together again and cheer for them. I promise it will be better this time.

5. Houston Rockets

Everyone’s acting like Ty Lawson is an all-star point guard. He’s not even close. However, the Beard and his team are super deep once again. Yes, Dwight. I said “the BEARD and his team.” Not yours.

6. Los Angeles Clippers

ESPN has them at #4 which I laughed at for a solid minute. I don’t care that Paul Pierce played and won a championship with Doc Rivers before. The additions of Josh Smith and Lance Stephenson really don’t make sense to me, either. I just don’t see anyone on that team gelling. Wonder if DeAndre will change his mind…again.

7. New Orleans Pelicans

Yep, I said it.

8. Memphis Grizzlies

The Grizzlies always start the season on such a high note, that by the time they’re still a good team in the middle of the season, it’s so boring to watch. Then, by the time they get to the playoffs, half of them are hurt and even more boring to watch. Like, they acquired Matt Barnes. Yes, the same Matt Barnes who thought he dated Rihanna.

9. Milwaukee Bucks

ESPN has the Bucks at #12, but I don’t agree. Jabari Parker, the addition of Greg Monroe, and coach not player, Jason Kidd. It’s all you need really. Their biggest mistake was getting rid of Brandon Knight last season, but they warrant a top 10 spot in my book.

10. Miami

It pains me to put this team in the 10 spot, but I’d rather put the Heat here than the Raptors. Bosh is back, D Wade is back, no fans are back. Wait, what.

11. Toronto Raptors

TBT to the time I was runnin’ through the 6 w…atching Jonas Valanciunas MURDER LEBRON JAMES. God, I hate the Raptors.

12. Atlanta Hawks

They lost DeMarre Carroll. And they’ll never EVER have that incredible record again. Mark my words.

13. Chicago Bulls

I’d take an orbital fracture to Derrick Rose’s face any day before another leg injury. This was ESPN’s breaking news yesterday as if the world as we knew it was coming to an end. But in all fairness, why can’t this shit happen to Joakim Noah or something? Geez.

14. Boston Celtics

I’ll be waiting for you Kelly Olynyk. Watch your back.

15. Washington Wizards

Raise your hand if you’re bored of the John Wall/Bradley Beal backcourt. Word.

16. Dallas Mavericks

Losing Monta Ellis was a huge blow. Worse than the blow Mark Cuban got by DeAndre Jordan. Want to see a really weird German lunchmeat Dirk Nowitzki commercial though?

17. Utah Jazz

They looked better last year? Idk, I probably pay attention to the Jazz the least of any team.

18. Detroit Pistons

Let’s take bets on Andre Drummond’s free throw percentage this year.

19. Phoenix Suns

When one of your players out loud says he wants to be traded, that’s a little cold especially since his twin also plays for the same team. What it do, Markieff? No one should overlook the addition of Henry Sims, either, if you know what’s good for you.

20. Indiana Pacers

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’nuff said.

21. Charlotte Hornets

If Tyler Hansbrough is on a team, you know they’re going to be good. Haha, jk, lol, lmfao, rotfl.

22. Sacramento Kings

The Kentucky Wildcat frontcourt should at least be entertaining to watch, right?Oh snap, and Rajon Rondo. Lots of Wildcats in the building.

23. New York Knicks

I’m being very generous here. I’m only doing this for my love of European, lanky, tall white guys. I’m doing this for Z, pretty much.

24. Portland Trailblazers

Somebody wake me when the Blazers are good again.

25. Minnesota Timberwolves

Karl-Anthony Towns is my bid for Rookie of the Year, so that has to count for something, right?

26. Orlando Magic

I got nothing.

27. Los Angeles Lakers

Aw, remember when Larry Nance Jr. called Kobe a rapist? Sweet, sweet memories that should play out beautifully on the court this year. In all seriousness, though. I love Kobe. Knocking on all kinds of wood (not meant to be dirty) that he stays healthy all-year long.

28. Brooklyn Nets

Deron Williams will go down in history as the most overrated point guard of all time.

*Just got word that Deron Williams doesn’t even play for the Nets anymore. He plays for the Mavericks. Shows how much I care and that Mark Cuban doesn’t know how to replace point guards. That is all.*

29. Denver Nuggets

Excited to watch Emmanual Mudiay play, aaaand that’s about it.

30. Philadelphia 76’ers

If the world wants a true Cinderella story, it would go like this: The Pope just came to Philadelphia and the 76’ers make the 8 seed in the playoffs. Coincidence? I think not.

Where Boy Bands Go When They Die

There’s only one place where you’ll see herds of girls (and the occasional boy) of all ages walking ferociously together as if they were zombies who have found where the living are hiding out and need nourishment pronto– a stadium or arena where a boy band is performing live.

I recently experienced this as I attended the One Direction concert in Cleveland just a few nights ago. Custom-made t-shirts, light-up signs that would blind an ordinary human if looked at too closely, temporary (at least I hope) tattoos that matched the body art of band members to a tee, and vocal warm-ups, because the screaming and singing that happens at these things will shatter ear drums. I’m guilty of only the vocal warm-ups because, well, I’m 25 and needed some shred of dignity to be left knowing that I was among the older demographic at this concert.

The show itself was remarkable; One Direction can certainly put on an entertaining, spunky, comedic, flawless performance. Everyone in the stadium could feel the ominous “elephant in the room” so to speak, however. Just a few days before One Direction came to Cleveland to perform, it was announced that the band would be taking a “one-year hiatus” once their fifth album is released. No tour for it, no promotion, nothing.

Rumors have been swirling ever since.

So, I asked myself a very important question after I finally regained my voice yesterday: Where do boy bands go when they die?

And who’s responsible for the upkeep of Chris Kirkpatrick’s hair?

A convincing face, but sorry Mr. Kirkpatrick, you didn't make the cut. Your look wasn't professional enough.
A convincing face, but sorry Mr. Kirkpatrick, you didn’t make the cut. Your look wasn’t professional enough.

I grew up in THE boy band generation. I’m not ashamed of it and in fact, I am kind of obsessed with it. Other generations may try to be like, “hey- we had The Beatles” or “NKOTB was like, the ultimate boy band.” Oh really? Try having to choose between Backstreet Boys, *NSYNC (wtf was the asterisk ever for?), 98 Degrees (if you were into the less popular, older guy thing), O-TOWN (yeah, don’t think I forgot, Diddy), AND One Direction. Don’t even try to prove me wrong on this one. I’m far too dedicated and have way too much time on my hands.

I imagine where dissolved and lost boy bands go is a curious place; one where velour jumpsuits line a never-ending closet and where waterfalls flow with hair gel. Ex-band members don’t walk places; they moonwalk poorly. Off in a distant meadow, those who still can’t accept their fate try to sing scales and scat, only to fall on deaf ears.

There’s a bell off in the distance that rings the tone of AJ McLean’s voice every time a new heart is broken by the dissolution of a boy band. In that same area is a screen to the real world, the world where some members didn’t die. It’s a sad and pathetic sight to see Howie Dorough and every member of O-TOWN and half of 98 Degrees cry in desperation every time Justin Timberlake wakes even more popular than the day before and where Zayn Malik’s withering stare makes passersby crumble to the ground.

The death of body rolling as we know, AJ.
The death of body rolling as we know, AJ.

In Boy Band Purgatory, failed band members get 50 cents every time a group of people my age play their music on a Throwback Thursday. Kevin Richardson whispers to Ashley Parker Angel in that incredibly deep voice of his, “A.P.A., get a load of this– Nick [Carter] just got selected to be on Dancing With the Stars.” Angel replies, “Damn, Kev. At least your members are still getting a glimpse of the spotlight. Jacob lost his damn mind and starting dreading everyone’s hair over in the meadow.”

Hi, I'm Jacob. Please let me dread your locks.
Hi, I’m Jacob. Please let me dread your locks.

Am I sad that One Direction is supposedly “breaking up?” YOU BET YOUR GODDAMN ASS I AM. Who else is going to tell me what makes me beautiful? I’m holding out hope for them, which yes, I agree is foolish and I need to let it go. But one thing a boy band generation gal like me will tell you, is that we don’t give up. We persevere and pretend as best we can to like some band members when they go solo and then wish the others best as they make their way to Boy Band Purgatory.

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Not ‘Doing’ Social Media the Right Way? ‘Shake it Off’ & Learn from Taylor Swift

What can’t Taylor Swift do? Music aside, she is an incredible role model for children (and adults), she cares about others, she dons Calvin Harris on her right arm, and to top it all off, she KILLS it on social media.

Many businesses, even individuals, go day-to-day not knowing whether they’re ‘doing’ social media right. I would tell you to follow my own personal model of social media-ing because I like to think I do it just as good as Tay, except. She has over 62 million followers and I’m a questionable role model at best.

Here are five ways in which your organization or personal brand can improve on social media, as effortlessly taught by the red-lipped ‘Queen of Pop’ (sorry Britney) herself.

1. Leave no room for ‘Bad Blood’ in your social media interactions.

I guess you wouldn’t call Taylor Swift’s social media followers ‘customers,’ per se, but they definitely are buying into her brand, musically and personally. She responds to tweets at a pretty often rate for someone with over 62 million followers, and she gives those responses what they deserve. As an organization, it’s IMPERATIVE that you respond to current or potential customers in a timely fashion or else people will forget about you and think you don’t care about them. If Taylor can respond to any of her 62 mil, I’m pretty sure you can respond to your 1 mil. I’m talking to you, Pizza Hut. People don’t forget.

2. Everyone has ‘A Place in This World.’ Interact authentically.

As a brand, don’t just favorite a tweet someone mentions you in, unless there’s absolutely no way to respond. If a follower mentions you, it’s because they care enough to earn a response (whether they’re tweet is positive or negative). One of Taylor Swift’s followers reached out to the pop singer to share that her mother had passed away from cancer. Swift, who shared earlier this year that her own mother had been diagnosed with cancer, reached out and made this fan a priority. She even donated $50,000 to a fan who was diagnosed with cancer herself. I’m not saying go tell Taylor Swift you or someone you know has cancer in order to get a response. But when someone reaches out to your brand, make them feel important and that their issues matter.

3. ‘Jump Then Fall.’ Be true to who you are, even if your followers don’t always agree.

Chances are, your followers will respect your brand more if it sticks to what it knows and takes a firm stance. People may unfollow you, but those who stick with you, will respect you even more. Taylor did just this when she publicly announced she didn’t want her music on Spotify or Apple Music (although now that’s changed). She stood up for her peers in the music industry, and got A LOT of flack for it. Girl knows what she wants though, so all the respect to her.

4. ‘You’re Not Sorry’ is never an excuse. Always address and admit your wrongs on social media.

Recently, Taylor Swift got into it with Nicki Minaj on Twitter. While entertaining to the general public, Taylor Swift was quick to apologize and make things right. As a business, people will think you’re just trying to sweep negativity under the rug. We all make mistakes. Address it in one all-encompassing post on every social media channel you have, and move on. If I tell you your pizza was too saucy, PIZZA HUT, I expect a formal, public apology. Free breadsticks next time, ANYTHING.

5. Do it with ‘Style.’

No one knows how to keep it classy like you, Taylor. Donald Trump could learn a thing or hundred from you. As a brand, try not to offend people. I’m not kidding when I say you can look at every tweet on Donald Trump’s profile, then do the exact opposite. Empower everyone (especially the ladies)!

The Bachelorette– Finale

I really enjoy this teaser scene when Kaitlyn tells her family Nick and Shawn hate each other and they gasp as if she just told her family Nick and Shawn are gay together.

Ugh, I try and forget each finale that we do this “live” thing.

We leave Utah (which apparently was just neutral ground for everyone???) and head back to…Los Angeles? No tropical island in the budget this season, ABC? So many question marks.

Nick is the first victim of Kaitlyn’s family.

Before Nick finds out Kaitlyn told her family they had sex: “I’m not really nervous.”

ace-ventura-laugh-o

After Nick finds out Kaitlyn told her family they had sex: “Now I’m worried.”

Maybe you would have thought twice before you offered up your penis Nicholas.

The family is sitting on the world’s closest-to-the-floor couches ever.

Nick, tell us about your last serious relationship. “My last serious relationship was with the last Bachelorette because my life is not real.”

NICK CRYING IS MAKING ME SO UNCOMFORTABLE THAT I’M CRYING.

Shawn’s turn.

He is being way more of a man than Nick. AND HE DIDN’T EVEN HAVE TO CRY.

SISTER AIN’T AFRAID TO SAY SHE’S #TEAMSHAWN.
I AIN’T AFRAID TO SAY HER HAIR COLOR NEEDS TO GO.

Last Dates

Nick and Kaitlyn are so boring on this boat that the only thing I’m thinking of is a nautical themed pashmina afghan.

**I’m not sorry that the song is now stuck in your head**

So many stripes on this evening’s date.

Nick: “I have a gift. It’s in my bedroom.” FACE PALM
Okay, the gift was cute. But don’t tell anyone I said that.

Welp. This date with Shawn is going awkwardly.

The voice, Kaitlyn. Listen to Shawn’s velvety chocolatey voice and everything will be okay.

Shawn’s gift was cuter. The end. A MEMORY JAR?! Come on. So good. I’m sure Nick thought of something similar BUT WAIT YOU CAN’T PUT SEX IN A MEMORY JAR.

Proposal Day

Nick’s first mistake of the proposal day was not waking up without a shirt and not going outside shirtless and not drinking out of a mug shirtless.

Neil Lane does not care about your life story, Nick. He is here because ABC paid him a fat wad.

I actually kind of like that the proposal is back at the Bachelor Mansion. Takes you back to your roots, you know? Like instead of riding off into the sunset on elephants. I’m looking at you, Sean and Catherine.

NICK’S FAMILY IN THE FRONT ROW OF THE LIVE SHOW. BELLA THIS SHOW IS NOT AGE APPROPRIATE FOR YOU AND I DON’T CARE HOW MANY TIMES YOUR BROTHER HAS BEEN ON IT.

Nick is first which always means elimination…
Right? RIGHT?!

He just flipped the motha fuckin switch on a bitch. It’s like that scene in Wedding Crashers:

I knew it folks…

THE SNAPCHAT DON’T LIE!! Great work, Shawn.

Back to the awkward live show…

NICK’S FAMILY IN THE FRONT ROW NOT APPLAUDING.

Nick uses the word “right” as a filler and it’s infuriating, right? 😉

Nick, Shawn. Shawn, Nick.

What do ya say, Nick? Who’s up for the next season of The Bachelorette? I know who. NOT YOU.