The NBA Finals (Pinch Me)

It’s true that when I look at the Warriors bench, I see assistant coach and former Cavalier Luke Walton, and I’m reminded of the heartbreaking last five seasons we had to endure.

Who knew Luke Walton could symbolize so much?

I’m not worried about this upcoming series in the NBA Finals (…she said so humbly). When LeBron was in Cleveland the first go-round, everyone was so sure he’d bring a championship to this city. I was one of those people. I wish I could rewind the clock 8 years and punch my 17 year-old self in the face for even thinking that was possible. Being swept by the Spurs in 2007 confirmed how crazy it was for all of us to think the Cavs were on that level, then.

Aside from a few of those guys on that roster that hold a special place in my heart: a young and gritty Anderson Varejao; my favorite Cav of all-time, Zydrunas Ilgauskas (don’t even try to make me change my mind on that one); Boobie Gibson before he married Keyshia Cole and ruined his life; and pre-Fat Albert Damon Jones…

…THE REST OF OUR ROSTER SUCKED.

Can you remember something phenomenal Scot (with one “T”) Pollard ever did? All you’re picturing is a white guy with a ridiculous mohawk, if you have any memory of him at all, right?

Should have been suspended from the league, indefinitely.

Larry Hughes had a tear drop tattoo. That was fun in 2007.

Donyell Marshall was considered one of our best three-point shooters. A scrawny Steph Curry at age 19 would have been laughing at us, even then.

The difference now?

We have all of the right pieces to put together the puzzle. Here’s a fun, little then-and-now for you that sort of made me throw up in my mouth (BECAUSE WE BELIEVED “THE THENS” WERE AMAZING AT ONE POINT IN TIME, OMG):

Our starting point guard:
Then: Eric Snow
Now: Kyrie Irving 

Our starting shooting guard:
Then: Larry Hughes
Now: Iman Shumpert

Our starting small forward:
Then: LeBron James
Now: LeBron James treated with a hyperbolic chamber, and maybe a few other things 😉

Our starting power forward:
Then: Drew Gooden (that pubic patch on his head, SMH)
Now: Tristan Thompson

The agony.

Our starting center:
Then: Z (actually good)
Now: Moz

The face of an angel.

And don’t even get me started on the bench we had then versus now.

So could you see how I’m not worried for this upcoming series? Of course I’m hopeful– I’m a Cleveland sports fan. Golden State is a tough team and it won’t be easy, but we’ve overcome so much this season already. I’m ready to cry tears of joy (again). I’m ready to lose my voice screaming at my television every second of every game (again). But damnit, I’m more than ready to be in Downtown Cleveland celebrating with the rest of this city, watching a championship parade go by.

Let’s go Cavs! #AllinCLE

The Bachelorette– Episode 2

Two words. One badass bitch: Amy Schumer. Basically, the show can’t be bad if she’s on it. I love her, which is odd considering I despise most female comedians, but Amy is a different story.

We swing over to Britt’s post-traumatic experience of not being chosen as The Bachelorette in her hotel room, where Brady comes to surprise her and date her. Aw hey, look. Britt’s crying. These two are actually kind of cute, but hopefully this is the last time we see Britt this season, right?

FIRST GROUP DATE

Boxing. Easily more excited about these fools boxing each other than everyone in the world collectively was for the Pacquiao/Mayweather fight. Frankly, this show needs more fighting. You can tell none of these guys have ever fought before when their jaws drop at the sight of Laila Ali. I get that she’s a pro boxer and her dad is the world’s greatest, Muhammad Ali, and she could easily kick all of their asses, but come on guys. Quit making it so obvious.

Black Pitbull (Kupah) is taking the group date way too seriously.

All this shirtless-ness is making it really easy to judge chest hair and nipples all at once. Unfortunately nothing crazy to report here.

To refer back to the Pacquiao/Mayweather fight one last time, these guys are hitting each other harder. For the record. Just saying. GOD WHAT A HORRIBLE FIGHT THAT WAS, RIGHT? So mad I saw a second of it.

I digress.

After we find out Tanner has a vagina and it’s been confirmed that Ben looks incredible (understatement) without a shirt on, Jared who was hit way too hard is able to make a cute appearance at post-group date drinks. His and Kaitlyn’s kiss was super hot. Go Jared.

ONE-ON-ONE

Clint. Just really hate that name. But thankfully, he’s super cute.

The date is underwater photography which sounds pruney and makeup-runny, but it’s ABC and we’ve got to throw new ideas out there every season so I’ll roll with it.

Clint’s dimples are deemed unfair to anyone looking at him. He’s also way too smart and has a good sense of humor. He could be growing on me. But instead of Clint, I kinda just want to call him Simon or something and call it a day. Stay tuned– I could be playing around with his new name.

What’s great is that the cameras are flipping back to the house during the one-on-one and Tony is taking a stance on something pointless and doing it in such an annoying manner that I’m giggling.

NEXT GROUP DATE

Stand-up comedy. ABC usually hits us with one of these, and I love it. Nothing better than a guy who thinks he’s hilarious looking like a total turd on stage. All Tony would really have to do is stand there. #boomroasted

It’s not horrible, but then before Tony goes on he says this legendary line: “I’m so excited I hope I don’t gag.”

Is that a natural reaction to being excited? I almost spit my drink out at the television. Whatever, Tony. Do you (just don’t ever say that again).

Justin the Fitness Trainer is falling directly into his stereotype and Wreck-it is hardcore working the lady game. The guy says, “well i’ll be.” GENTLEMAN IF I EVER SAW ONE.

At the cocktail party, Black Pitbull tries playing the race card for filling a “spot on the roster” but really gets put in his place when Kaitlyn is all like, “no you’re just strange and I can’t stop thinking of Pitbull when I look at you.” Just kidding, she didn’t say that, but she could have been thinking it. After all, we’re one and the same. She sends Black Pitbull home, upon which we’re left with a TO BE CONTINUED because this guy just won’t stop talking.

I hope the suspense is worth it next week.

The Bachelorette– Episode 1A & 1B

PART 1

It was a smashing good time reliving all of Kaitlyn and Britt’s incredibly uncomfortable moments on The Bachelor, now let’s move on. The only reason you’d be on #TeamBritt this season is if you didn’t watch the previous Bachelor. If you did watch and still are on #TeamBritt then you’re the kind of person who doesn’t say “God bless you,” when someone sneezes right next to you.

Keen spray tans, ladies.

Man intros. YES

-Jonathan is the cutest dad ever and could be a dad model. Model. But he’s #TeamBritt? Your son may disown you later.

-Wreck-it Ralph is suppppper southern. But much cuter when he speaks versus his glamour shot I commented on last week.

-Josh man with big eyebrows and not one, but two tat sleeves is a lawyer. Odd. Oh but wait hes also a male dancer. FOH ASSHOLE.

-Brady, who is Jimmy Fallon’s ugly twin is a little too down to earth for me and he’s #TeamBritt, so it just goes to show how shallow these dudes are.

-Chris Soules, I mean, farmer Joshua, is from Arlington, I mean some small town in Idaho, and OH MY GOD WHY DID THEY PUT CHRIS’ STUNT DOUBLE ON THIS SHOW?!

-Yep. Ian’s hot. I know he’s telling a sad story right now, but mainly I’m distracted by his face. Good job, Ian. And he’s so #TeamKaitlyn that I’m outloud saying “thank you” because if you don’t remember, Kailtyn is me. I am Kaitlyn.

-This man at the lighthouse dresses like he’s headed to a communion after-party. Jared, his name is Jared.

-Tony (hahahahaha) specializes in flexibility therapy AKA SEX and said I love you to a plant, so.

-Ben was my wildcard and it’s been decided he’s hot and sensitive and thank God I didn’t go to college with this guy because it woulda went down.

Time for limo entrances!

-Britt describes the experience as organic, which, no.

-BEN H. THE SOFTWARE SALESMAN IS SEXYYYYYYY. I really underestimated your basic salesman look.

-Jonathan is dressed like Kanye West circa that time he wouldn’t stop wearing maroon.

 

-I’m going to take this moment while Jared is saying something stupid to say, fuck you ABC. This concept sucks and don’t ever do it again.

-Kupah is Pitbull’s black twin.

 

-Wreck-it Ralph, whose real name is Joe (but I prefer and will continue with Ralph) is getting cuter.

-Justin the fitness trainer sucked helium out of a balloon to say hello. That’s new.

-Shawn gives hot hugs to Britt but it seems but throws us a curveball with telling Kaitlyn he pretty much loves her. Yes.

-Kaitlyn, this is totally a Nell move with the sneak attack hello to the guys that are already inside. I like your shit. It don’t stank.

-Tony must have been punched on the way here when he told someone he was a healer and a flexibility specialist, hence the black eye.

-Ryan be drunk. There’s always gotta be one, boo. Always gotta be one.

-Asshole dresser from my previous blog is driving in water. Apparently called a hot tub car, which is stupid. But I feel bad that Drunk Ryan is telling him he sucks and that I called him an asshole dresser. Even though he is.

-Chris the dentist in a cupcake (ironic) and is confident and isn’t afraid to look like a wiener.

-MENTAL NOTE: If there was something I was unsure of before, it’s hot to be a smartass. Thanks, random 25 gentlemen on television for confirming.

-SIDE THOUGHT: Do you think there’s a better chance that 100% of these guys voted in a room for two bachelorettes but not 100% of them voted for the president of this country? Because I do.

-ANOTHER SIDE THOUGHT: I love that the guys are saying that they’re Pro-Kaitlyn or Pro-Britt as if the ladies are two laws that should be passed.

-FAVE MOMENT: When Kaitlyn gets asked about her bird tattoos. By the way, she’s right. Be a gentleman and ask what tattoos mean before you judge, yo!

-Ryan, you’re drunk. Go home. Or for a swim? Anyone who’s friends with this human in real life sucks as much as he does.

PART 2

The suspense was too much to handle on Monday night, so we had to get thrown into a third hour of this two Bachelorette nonsense on Tuesday, too. Here’s how it went down:

Well we all know who Jonathan would choose given there’s a fire and he can only save Kaitlyn or Britt but who did the majority choose?

KAITLYN!!!!!!!!!

-I mean, duh. And lucky for all you blog readers it’s Kaitlyn because if it was Britt I would not be a happy camper or might not even watch the show this season (lol jk).

-I’m also campaigning for Chris Harrison to be the next Bachelor, right?

-That steel rose? Incredible. I had goosebumps. Good job, Joshua.

-Tony why don’t you shhhh and heal yourself?

-Chris coming in hottttt with the first kiss of the evening.

-Shawn for kiss #2, also hot.

-First dramatic rose ceremony: Brady takes Kaitlyn away. Dun dunnnnn dunnnnnn. Admits he wants to go find Britt and bye Brady but hey you seem ballsy so you go glen coco.

-Was so relieved male dancer idiot went home

AND DIED AT THE PREVIEWS FOR THE REST OF THE SEASON.

Nick Viall, really dude? I was all for you during Andi’s season, but like, go away or something. And sex. There’s sex, which there’s ALWAYS sex, but this time, it’s outloud said that there’s SEX.

Can’t wait 🙂

The Poor Suckers Have Been Revealed!

The new, and might I reiterate, lamest ever beginning to a Bachelorette season ever, premieres this Monday!

I know what you’re thinking. Nell, how could you possibly be blogging about something so foolish when the Cavs are in the middle of a heated playoff series with the Bulls?

My answer to you is: lay off me.
I’m obviously not an idiot. Of course I know the Cavs are playing. I’ve saved every emotional penny into my fictional, mental Cavs piggy bank. This blog is simply a distraction from the thoughts that consume me most throughout the day.

Now, to judging the contestants that have just been revealed. This is going to be good.

Chris

Hello, did you just step out of Cristiano Ronaldo’s closet and/or are you his twin?

Justin

Is a fitness trainer, and looks like a fitness trainer. Booooring.

Joe

Whatever Wreck-it-Ralph’s tagline is, this should also be Joe’s. The resemblance is uncanny.

Ryan B.

I believe that is a FitBit on his right wrist. Eliminate immediately.

Shawn E.

lol. this guy is an amateur sex coach (which isn’t a real thing) who dresses like that (an asshole).

Josh A.

His hands look gigantic for his body. Which could come in “HANDY” later.

Daniel

I hate white collared dress shirts when the actual dress shirt is not white. But he’s a fashion designer so what the fuck do I know, right?

Ryan M.

I’m thinking he just takes bad pictures. But his dimples have tons of potential.

Bradley

Had zero thoughts about this person. Sorry.

Ian

Matt Kemp-esque with a lesser hairline. I ain’t mad at it.

Jonathan

We’ve got a bad boy in our midst. Who is from Detroit. Bad boy, Detroit. See, I can’t go long without a basketball reference.

Clint

Say it with your chest?

Ben H.

Um. Looks like a software salesman. Oh wait, he is.

JJ

Another guy potentially wearing a fitbit or some sort of athletic bracelet in this promo? Ugh…

Josh S.

My what giant eyebrows and little eyes you have, my dear.

David

That’s what I’m talking ’bout. Although he poses a concerned smile, I’m digging his look the most so far.

Tanner

Or is it more tan? Name jokes, people.

Kupah

Would only be thinking about Mario Kart every time he was near. Koopa Troopa, Koopa shells, duh.

Shawn B.

Another personal trainer. Another bore.

Jared

All I’ll say is…not my type.

Ben Z.

Another fitness coach, are you serious?! Although he looks like he just farted and can’t stop giggling about, he’s cute. I’ll give this one the benefit of the doubt.

Brady

Don’t you know only high-fashion NBA players are allowed to wear too-long t’s, Brady? And you look way older than 33.

Corey

AND YOU LOOK WAY OLDER THAN 30.

Cory

Says he’s from Texas, so hopefully an accent can make you hotter.

Tony

Guys are still rocking this haircut, huh? The moment he tucks a strand behind an ear, we’re done. WE’RE DONE, TONY.

Which of these chumps looks most promising to you?!

#TeamKaitlyn